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I am deep in the process of journaling, reading, and working with my therapist, trying to get to the bottom of all this.  Recently, I've had a realization while looking at my childhood.  My BPDm's behavior when I was a child was mostly dumping all her emotional baggage on me, while not helping me with or listening to my emotions, some physical abuse, and accusing me of lying frequently.  Blowups and silent treatment were reserved for others- my dad, extended family, etc... .  Unless I am blocking it out, my experiences with blowups, silent treatment, horrible name calling, etc... .didn't start until I left for college.  For example, when she found out I had sex (sorry for the personal details), she called me a whore and every other name she could think of, said I would die from AIDS and humiliate her, and didn't talk to me for days.  It has carried on getting worse and worse since then.  I am now 39, and while the frequency seems to have gone down some (I think because I have been reacting to her differently), the intensity has increased.  Now she is blaming my husband, saying I've "been weird" ever since we got together.

My theory is that I was such a good child/teenager, I was basically just an extension of her.  I never once drank, broke curfew, did drugs, nothing.  Never had any serious boyfriends until college.  Never did anything typical "teenager" fun.  I got out of school at 12:30 my senior year, ate lunch with her everyday, and spent the afternoon with her until time to get my brother from school.  I think I never gave her an opportunity to get that angry, because I was basically behaving exactly like she wanted.  My brother, on the other hand, was a fairly rebellious teenager, and they had insane, extreme fights where she would tell him she wished he'd never been born, etc... .  I never got that until I left home.  When I left home, I did change my worldview, behavior, and demeanor fairly noticeably.  Not that I went totally crazy, mind you, but I am a theatre person.  We're not "normal".  I have always maintained a high level of contact and integration with her, however, talking to her several times a day and being very involved.  And now, as I try to take control of my anxieties and issues, it threatens her even more. 

Has anyone else experienced this? 

Hi littlebirdcline,

Thanks for sharing these insights! I find your post very interesting and can relate to several things you've mentioned. Looking back at my childhood with my uBPD mom I also realized her behavior changed as I got older and more independent. As I grew older and more independent she became more and more controlling. When I was just a little kid it was much easier for her to control me and prevent me from doing the things I wanted to do but this was much harder for her when I was a teenager. And that's when I really started to experience her mean sadistic side and explosive BPD rages. When I was 18 and started college I for the first time witnessed her turn into a fullblown witch. I had seen flashes of this side of her before but this time was like nothing I had experienced before with her. She was totally out of control and then again when I look back I also realize she still had a certain degree of control because she was fully focused on verbally hurting me as much as she could but as soon as my sister stepped into the room my mother just stopped. But a little later when my sister wasn't there the Witch reappeared. Based from the stories I've read from other people on here, many BPD parents struggle with the moment their kids go to college. Probably because they see this as a huge step towards independence and that threatens the hold they wanna have on us. Many people with BPD also have huge abandonment issues and that also can be a factor contributing to their explosive and erratic behavior when their kids go to college.

Hi littlebirdcline

firstly I think it's great that you are exploring the things that have affected you by the writing and talking and therapy. it's hard work at times and i confess I shy back form it.

My experience was that my uBPDm was actually at her worst when I was around 10. I am sure now that it was because I entered puberty and suddenly very suddenly had marked body changes. She was very uncomfortable with my starting menstruation (sorry if that's crude!) She was also quite threatened by me wanting a bra (my teacher had remarked to me that I should talk to her about it so I'm guessing others realised it was time. She didn't agree.)

The worst physical abuse occurred around that time but abated when i was 12 and she gave birth to my younger sister.

If I do the maths, my brother (with whom she has always had a volatile and strained r'ship) was 'breaking away' and hanging out with friends.

Me, well like you I was compliant. I was also preemptive "Here's your tea Mum - I know you like a cup of tea after work. Here's your crossword. Here's your ... etc Now tell me all about everything about you" I was obedient and applied at school and wore the clothes she picked for me and didn't go to places she didn't want me to or hang around with girls she didn't like.

I also called her most days and stayed overnight at her house often. i did housework there and picked my sister up from school etc

I became my sister's mother around 3 days after she was born - doing night time bottle feeds (the old fashioned way - with a stove and a pot of water!) nappy changes, had her sleeping in my room from day 3 etc I think that calmed Mum as well as now she was provided with someone else to depend on her. her entire self identity is wrapped up in being a mother.

Anyway, I agree with Kwamina - the signs of growing independence seem to trigger the abandonment response and produce an ugly effect. My mother was also a real problem when I moved out of home - tried to sabotage it and lever me with the FOG. Also when I got married. She was appeased when i 'gave her grandchildren' (wtw? I thought they were MINE?)

I guess for mothers with BPD that the entire "Baby-mother" attachment issue becomes unbearable when they see their 'baby' stop needing them and they are suddenly back where they were when their own mother 'abandoned' them or whatever it was that gave them BPD?

It sounds like the name calling and fearmongering from your mum may have been some type of projection? Wahtever it was you certainly didn't deserve that and I hope you know that. No normal mother would do that, I'm sure

Very interesting thread

Ziggiddy

Hi littlebirdcline! I was nodding along with your post - so much of what you mentioned has been true for me as well, and I was actually just thinking about this a bit this week, how bad things have been with my uBPDm since I've become an adult, and since I've been doing things that she associates with adulthood. I get a lot of punishment for asserting any kind of independence to this day, and I'm in my 30s.

My mom reacted very much like yours did when she found out I had had sex for the first time. She cussed me out for a good long while - I was ruining the family, I would be addicted to sex forever because I had it once (that one still puzzles me!), I was a slut, I was a whore, it wasn't that great of a thing anyway. It's one of the first rages that I can remember where she just laid into me with the intention of hurting me. I'm more sorry than I can express that this happened to you, too. :-( No mom should do that to her child.

She didn't rage when I went to college, but I think that she still felt like I was pretty dependent on her at that point. The first summer that I didn't come home from school to live at my parents' house, though, she had a big rage - she cleaned out everything from my room (except the actual furniture) and put it in the basement. The first time I went home to visit, it was a nasty shock to find my bedroom as empty and bare as a hotel room. I never discussed it with her (I had no idea how to deal with this kind of behavior back then, so I avoided/appeased a lot) and I didn't even know that she hadn't thrown away all of my things until a few years later when my parents moved out of that house. 

Along the lines of what Ziggiddy posted, other big rages occurred during my wedding planning, at the wedding itself, and when my child was born. My mom would wait until I was alone and go on these extended rants about how awful my DH is - she tried to gaslight me into believing that he's controlling and bad for me, that I'm "different" when I'm with him (yeah, I'm happy when I'm with him and I'm miserable and guarded when I'm with her), and all kinds of other nonsense. She's said some unbelievably hurtful things at these times, things that I was expected to swallow without acknowledgement. It's gotten pretty bad since I've become a mother, maybe because my adultness can't be hidden from her whenever my kid is around. I took a vacation with my DH and my kid for my birthday and she gave me the silent treatment for about three months. Her actions have destroyed a lot of the relationship that I once though might be possible with her, but at least now that I have more info about BPD, I can see that there is an explanation for some of this behavior... .it seemed totally perplexing and random until I started reading up on NPD and BPD.

I was in denial for a long time and it took an embarrassingly long while for me to get away from thinking that I could fix or manage these rages if only I acted a little nicer, a little better, avoided a topic, or made sure to cater to a particular need of hers. Needless to say, that didn't work. I went LC with her after a big family blowout a last year, and I pick and choose what to discuss with her very carefully. I don't take care of her emotions for her anymore (I used to be the family fixer and accepted a lot of other people's feelings as my own) and she's definitely not pleased about that. But I've gotten some therapy and I'm finally focusing on treating myself like a grown-up and trying to make my way out of the FOG. It's hard work, but I'm definitely finding it to be worthwhile.

I wish you all the best on your healing journey, and thanks so much for posting about this.