BPDFamily.com

Hi Family,

Going over some stuff that happened in my marriage, I wonder if anyone else has had this experience.

We'd fight. Usually he'd snap over some delusion (I was five minutes late, so he accused me of having an affair, for instance   ), and once I had managed to calm him down with logic and reason (this could take hours or even days), he'd have no further outlet for his anger, so suddenly, he'd get incredibly CLUMSY.

Accidentally shoving me, spilling hot drinks on me, destroying my things, accidentally hitting me, accidentally stepping on me, etc. ... .

While pregnant, he "accidentally" slammed my head between a metal door and the frame. I snapped and threatened to call the cops.

Anyone else experience these "accidents"?

Soon, he won't bother to pretend it's an accident. Leave before that happens. Wish I did.

 

Although I would normally not voice a "get out" choice here on the boards - I would say that whenever your physical safety is in question you have to make some very very hard decisions.  No one "accidentally" slams your head in a door frame.  What you describe are not accidents or even being clumsy.  What you deserve in your life (we all do) is people who PURPOSEFULLY treat you the way you should be treated.

My heart goes out to anyone who has been physically abused in any way, shape or form.  Self preservation... .there is nothing wrong with that.  |iiii

Already out, ShelbyRay. But yes, I agree that it wouldn't have been an "accident" much longer.

Thank god you got away. We make excuses for them, forgive them immediately for it, and why? We all know they'd never forgive us.

I have rage issues of my own, and would always direct it inwards after 4 hours of incessant arguing. I just reach a point where I feel like the only thing I can do is punch a wall or slap my own face. She would often try and calm me down, grab my hands, stop me. But then she said that I hit her on one of those occasions and it just never happened. She always justified her abuse with that. That I hit her too.

She did cut my face open with car keys once. Through them full force right at my face. May have been an accident, but I don't know what she was trying to hit if it wasnt me. I pulled my hands back from my face to see her right in front of me screaming and pointing and shoved her in defense. Naturally the story goes that I knocked her to the ground, the keys detail seemingly disappeared. When I asked her about later she said "you deserved it" or "I don't care." It was all justified to her.

I don't know why but I forgave her immediately. I do think sometimes they can't control it, but i also doubt they're ever willing to work on it.

The stories are different but the advice is always the same -run as fast and as far away.

God, housman, that sounds awful.

It's messed up what they reduce us to. I always considered myself to be level-headed, smart, observant, self-assured, confident ... .Never a "battered woman" (or any variation on that).

When it happened, I think I kept my mouth shut less out of forgiveness and more out of shame. I mean, educated professional women like myself weren't supposed to be "battered", now were we?

I guess at first it was easier to believe it was all an accident. A coincidence. A clumsy, human moment (or several in a row) on his part.

But it got worse.

And this isn't to say that I think spousal abuse is only for people lacking a certain level of education. On the contrary, if anything I think there's less pressure to keep up a certain appearance when you don't have to impress the pants off of esteemed colleagues and the like.

If anything, I think those of us with more to lose (in terms of being shamed) have an even bigger reason to lie about the abuse.

I could never tell anyone. How could I? I was supposed to be the smart woman, the intelligent one ... .everyone I knew held this belief that only stupid people stayed in relationships like that.

But I knew better. Even before I had met him, I knew this wasn't the case.

But I had to play along with the belief system, because I couldn't take any more invalidation. Not from him, and certainly not from my colleagues, friends and family.

Kind of feels free to be here. To be able to talk about this stuff.