BPDFamily.com

When I first came to this site 6 months ago, it was a revelation to finally understand what has been transpiring for so many years.

I enthusiastically shared my understandings with my uBPDw.

She un-enthusiastically responded with a massive sustained attack :-)

It has lasted for 6 months of separation, compounded by the abandonment fears.

I have finally given up trying to get her diagnosed, and after 17 divorce threats (yes I am counting, and I am aiming for 30 LOL), she seems to be calming down a bit.

She is still behaving like a professional victim, and uses every opportunity to bait me.

After all of these threats, and lawyers and rages and separation, she is making noises towards reconciliation, even asking a friend to mediate. but still maintaining that I have to earn her trust again after all I've done, and have alot of work to do. She has been progressing through 4 years of therapy, and although I have heard from her therapist that she does understand her role in the abusive dynamic, she hasn't as yet acknowledged any role in this, to me.

Why would I go back to this? Has anyone here been to this stage and then tried to make it work?

Hmmmmm... .

Well, actually, yes. My husband and I were separated (but not legally) for about 3 months many years ago, after he refused to give up an affair that lasted more than 2 years. He moved in with his girlfriend actually    during 2 of those months. And, weirdly enough, we survived this breach of our marriage and celebrated our 40th Anniversary in the early part of this year  *)

Can this be done? Yeah. Is it easy? No. Does the "offending" spouse need to own up to their part in the breach? Yes. And strangely enough (well, it felt strange to me   ), does the aggrieved spouse need to also own up to their part in the breach? Yes. As difficult as it is for the spouse who has been the victim so to speak, we all need to figure out what we are doing that should be changed. And then the breach can be repaired.

The book I read that made all the difference for me regarding this was Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56458.0;all), and I highly recommend it to anyone with a troubled marriage. I'm not saying that we can "learn" our way out of an abusive or destructive relationship; there are times that a reconciliation just can't be in the cards. But, if you love your wife and want to make it work, this book (along with all the information in the links to the right-hand side of this page) is a great start. At least it was for me... .

First, I'm uncomfortable with someone diagnosing their SO with a mental illness.  The vast majority of us aren't mental health professionals.  On the odd chance you are one, I doubt that you have the emotional distance to do a diagnosis properly.  Fall back and leave that stuff to the pros.

That said, it can work.  The major question is if both sides of up to their issues that lead them to this point and if they are willing to work on them.  I am reticent to say no without knowing both people involved, but I'm not going to pretend that it's easy.

My take is the diagnosing part is hard... .but identifying the behavior is fairly straightforward.  The tools work for the behaviors.

The Family T that we are involved with has focused more on tools and behaviors that diagnosis.  Because it is the behavior change that makes the big difference.

I was a bit stuck on getting an aaahhhh haaa moment... .it really didn't happen.  But... .behavior change has and is happening... .and I'm very please.

We have both owned parts that we have done wrong and are actively planning a reunification.

It's a process of introspection into ourselves, our family... .and our r/s.