BPDFamily.com

Background:

My UstbxBPDW wants a divorce. I do not.

Situation:

She recently emailed me regarding the business of divorce, (i.e. insurance and updating facebook). In my response email, answered her question regarding the insurance (told her to email me the receipt so I could pay my half) and said... .

As you know, I don't want the divorce, but you have been unwavering in your desire for it. As such, I want to finish this ASAP so that I can move on. It seems that the lingering things are paperwork and exchange of media. With this complete, we can get our own insurance and thereby take care of that as well. Of course, email me the receipt for Kaiser so that I may pay my share until we get it replaced. Is there any reason this can't be taken care of by the 11th?

During this time I also sent an email to our joint friends explaining that she may have told them that I cheated on her, something that is absolutely not true and something I needed to correct.

Question:

This was 3 weeks ago and she hasn't responded, not even with the receipt for our insurance so I can pay my half. What am I to think of this? On one side I hate how it gives me hope that she won't want the divorce (which I recognize is as crazy in it's likeliness as it is something that I should actually want). On the more likely side, I wonder if she's preparing a legal battle that I should try to prepare for? My question is what do you think is going on? Should I do anything?

What I think is, she is either consciously playing mind-games with you - knowing you will stay focused on her if she doesn't communicate with you - or she is focused on something or someone else and just doesn't care enough to do you the courtesy of responding.

Why not take this opportunity to take a step away from the relationship, emotionally?

Focus on other, more positive aspects of your life - family, friends, work, interests, exercise, whatever.

Work on your own emotional health and happiness.  Become stronger in every way.

There is plenty of time to finish the divorce process, and it doesn't have to require any direct communication with your stbX.

Do you have a lawyer that can handle the communication?

As an aside... .on a practical note contact your insurance company directly to make your half of the payment if you didn't already   

Well, court will proceed with a divorce as long as one person wants it, the only question is how long it will take.  As for legal ramifications for saying you don't want a divorce, it could be twisted into a claim that you're a controller and want her to stay controlled.  It's not likely to happen here but it's a potential risk.  So while you can say you're not the one seeking a divorce, you can state you won't obstruct it.

It's not surprising about the timing, that this occurred a week after she got her car, she may feel you owe it to her or she deserves it.  If you are the signer or co-signer, be aware that unless it gets refinanced or sold then you may be held financially liable despite a family court order stating otherwise.

It could be an object-constancy thing. BPD sufferers don't experience apartness the same way we do. When someone isn't physically present, that person kinda doesn't exist. A lot of BPD sufferers are also very impulsive. She might struggle with follow-through, even if the consequences impact her. You might want to check to see if your insurance is all squared away, like Panda said.

It sounds like you don't have kids or property. What kind of legal battle could happen?

Thanks for your fine responses.

Today is the 3 month anniversary of when she abruptly said she was leaving. In that time I have focused on healing, and done a pretty good job at it considering. She still has yet to respond, it being 3 weeks since I sent the email at the beginning of this post.

The main reason I want to be done with this is to move on. Much of what I've read is that the clock starts ticking when the divorce papers are actually signed. I can see truth in that, as I still hold out hope that she may not yet want the divorce, although every other action she has done has said differently. I expect it's a much more selfish reason, such as wanting to be able to say she was married a little over a year or more, rather than 9 months, before calling it quits. Also, perhaps she is hoping that I push it at this point, so that she can confirm to herself and others that I'm abandoning her rather than the other way around.

Regarding possible legal battles that could happen:

* It is correct that we don't have kids, or much in the terms of assets

* I've tentatively agreed to take the car as I'm moving to a place where it is much more useful than where we had a home.

* One fear I have is that she's waiting for me to get a job (I was laid off 5 weeks before she left), and then will try to get alimony as she is starting her own small business and I'm sure money is an issue for her.

Talk to a lawyer, or somebody at the court house, and find out the process for getting a divorce if the other party won't sign the papers.  It will be a little more complicated but there is a process that will get the job done.  Take notes so you know the right steps, and get started.

If she wants to cooperate, great, it will be easier.  But if she decides not to cooperate you can still get the divorce done.

It will take time, likely more than you expect, since she will probably obstruct the process, even if only by inaction as she's already done.

You don't have to retain a lawyer, at least not at this point in time while you're gathering information.  Get a few legal consultations from some family law attorneys.

Questions for court or lawyers, while emphasizing this is a very short marriage:

• Does she benefit by delaying a divorce filing past the first anniversary?



• Is there any risk of spousal support (for either spouse) during the divorce?



• Is there any risk of alimony after the final decree?

She can't stop a divorce, but she certainly can slow it down.  If you are proactive and have a strategy, you can keep the delays to a minimum.

In some states, being married under a year means no alimony, no spousal support.

Your biggest problem is probably going to be getting her to sign documents and do things in a timely way, meanwhile blaming you and getting angry as though you are the problem, while also getting something out of the negative engagement... .