BPDFamily.com

after the break up i was not acknowledging that i might have FOO. my r\s did not last long (i did not tolerate abuse) but i have found that i have been grieving this break up longer than usual. my therapist denied any codependency\foo\rescuer... .etc. I was very skeptical. I began to notice my parent's behavior towards me and oh God ! My mom is very over protective and did not let me establish boundaries with her while growing up. My dad has been emotionally neglecting me since ever. These were confirmed by recent events and interactions. I do not trust the therapist's words anymore. I have PTSD and have been having panic attacks for 3 months. The panic attacks started to vanish 5 or 6 days ago. Last few weeks the attacks only get to me during exercising, it was subsiding step by step.


Last night, i have dreamed about my ex. I do not really remember much but the interaction was negative. in the same dream and after my ex disappeared my dad appeared. My dad is a heart patient. He has had 2 heart attacks before and hospitalized. I dreamed that he was having an attack and i was talking to him and telling him that i will take him to the hospital. he said there is no time and he gave me that look and died. i was terrified and woke up from this nightmare disturbed. Now i know who is my punitive parent. Now i know from where do my fear of abandonment originate.

Today, i had a fight with my sister cause she has crossed a boundary (i live with my family and i am unemployed, still get pocket money from my parents). my dad took her side and he said "you are just a dog and do not worth anything." I said "yes please remind me how much i am worthless ? that i do not have any benefit to anyone ? that i do not deserve any love. yes continue please." his answer was "do not project your psychological issues on me. deal with them yourself." I got a panic attack just after this fight.

yes my dad is abusive. he emotionally and verbally and sometimes physically (when i was young) abuses me. he is my punitive parent. He brought me up feeling worthless. he made me confuse "love" with punishment. thats why i grieved my abusive ex for long.


i am done with this. I am establishing boundaries with him. I do not feel anything to my dad anymore. I will not expect anything from him anymore. I am going to parent myself. No bull___ will be tolerated from now on. When i get my own job he is not hearing from me that frequent anymore.

I am not at the cut them out, I believe exploring their dynamic and what you see as normal their will show you why you accepted tjat behaviour from your ex.  

I am doing this with myself atm.  Trying to get me, I come up with 4 or 5 different answer that are all wrong and also all have some truth.  

Their is no one size fits all black and white solution is what I am learning. 

yes true. what i can identify with right now. i was normalized to:

1- silent treatment

2- they will not ask for a favor from as they are angry at me : not felt need then you have no value.

3- verbal abuse : you are worthless comments

4- bury your feelings. do not express it. do not express anger at your dad. it is not acceptable.

5- He still thinks he can control me as a person cause i am still financially dependent on him.

6- they try to subtly choose for me regarding career, marriage and life arrangements.


I am not going to cut them off. but i will keep them to the minimum. some kind of boundaries. its too late to change the dynamics now. it has been like this for 26 years. i have to parent myself in a good way now. I believe that the way you are treated as a child by your parents is the way you treat yourself in adulthood. two days ago, i started reading a book about being negative (yes i am generally and hard on myself too). remember that this book has nothing to do with BPD. in chapter 2, it is mentioned that if you feel you are always negative in your life it is probably something you learned during your childhood from your parents   I am beginning to realize that my parents are abusive folie