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Title: Confused hubby Post by: hubbyloveswife on July 21, 2014, 07:33:59 PM Hi I am a 43 yr old husband and my wife is 40. .I have known her for the past 15 yrs and have been married for 10. We don't have kids as she has had 5 miscarriages . We live in India and I hope this forum is open to people from my region .
My wife was diagnosed with BPD around 5 yrs back. She is going for therapy voluntarily and there has been improvement more in terms of the regular suicidal thoughts, cutting etc etc . But hardly any improvement in our relationship . The typical love/ hate periods continue . Sometimes for extremely silly reasons and sometimes I assume for valid reasons . Most of the time I am unable to figure out what did I do so wrong that would evoke a response like that . Although on an intellectual level I know it's her BPD but on an emotional level I am still finding it difficult to reconcile with the extreme anger phase . She continuously puts me down on our sex life and as a result is almost 5 yrs since we had sex . It's more to do with my withdrawal than her . And I hear about it almost every day . I go with her to her therapist once a week. She goes alone to the same therapist once a week. After her miscarriages I had decided after 40 not to try having kids because of the health risks for the child as well as the psychological affects of having a parent old enough to be a grandparent . But during our sessions with the therapists somehow I got sucked into exploring the possibility of having a child through surrogacy . I have my own business and financial implications are not an issue . The doctor who apparently is the best in assisted pregnancy has assured us that most medical parameters are conducive to try through a surrogate mother . I have my doubts mainly in my wife's ability to be a parent . We both love kids and she is fantastic with them . But bringing up a child in an atmosphere where the mother is always angry with the father for some perceived fault of his is scaring me . Also the fact that her regular ups and downs will scar the child for life also scares me . Any logical discussion on this with her ends nowhere . She ridicules me for my fears and always gives examples of others who have had children after miscarriages and who are older than me etc etc . I am so confused that I need help and advice . As much as I want a child, bringing a child into this atmosphere according to me is criminal. I read a post here which indicated the risks . But alternatively the therapist and the surrogacy doctor seem to think otherwise . I don't want to regret later on any decision that I make . If we go ahead the risks are there . If we don't I know she will screw my happiness for the rest of my life . Please give me your thoughts/ advice on this . Title: Re: Confused hubby Post by: formflier on July 22, 2014, 11:17:21 AM Hi I am a 43 yr old husband and my wife is 40. .I have known her for the past 15 yrs and have been married for 10. We don't have kids as she has had 5 miscarriages . We live in India and I hope this forum is open to people from my region . My wife was diagnosed with BPD around 5 yrs back. She is going for therapy voluntarily and there has been improvement more in terms of the regular suicidal thoughts, cutting etc etc . But hardly any improvement in our relationship . The typical love/ hate periods continue . Sometimes for extremely silly reasons and sometimes I assume for valid reasons . Most of the time I am unable to figure out what did I do so wrong that would evoke a response like that . Although on an intellectual level I know it's her BPD but on an emotional level I am still finding it difficult to reconcile with the extreme anger phase . She continuously puts me down on our sex life and as a result is almost 5 yrs since we had sex . It's more to do with my withdrawal than her . And I hear about it almost every day . I go with her to her therapist once a week. She goes alone to the same therapist once a week. After her miscarriages I had decided after 40 not to try having kids because of the health risks for the child as well as the psychological affects of having a parent old enough to be a grandparent . But during our sessions with the therapists somehow I got sucked into exploring the possibility of having a child through surrogacy . I have my own business and financial implications are not an issue . The doctor who apparently is the best in assisted pregnancy has assured us that most medical parameters are conducive to try through a surrogate mother . I have my doubts mainly in my wife's ability to be a parent . We both love kids and she is fantastic with them . But bringing up a child in an atmosphere where the mother is always angry with the father for some perceived fault of his is scaring me . Also the fact that her regular ups and downs will scar the child for life also scares me . Any logical discussion on this with her ends nowhere . She ridicules me for my fears and always gives examples of others who have had children after miscarriages and who are older than me etc etc . I am so confused that I need help and advice . As much as I want a child, bringing a child into this atmosphere according to me is criminal. I read a post here which indicated the risks . But alternatively the therapist and the surrogacy doctor seem to think otherwise . I don't want to regret later on any decision that I make . If we go ahead the risks are there . If we don't I know she will screw my happiness for the rest of my life . Please give me your thoughts/ advice on this . Hubbyloveswife, I'm glad you made it over to the staying board. |iiii I think you'll find this to be a place where you can work through the situations that you have brought up. You are in the right place! What i would like you to start thinking about is that you are going to learn some things about yourself... .and your behaviors... .and about your wife... and hers. After you have learned those we will help you come up with some strategies to improve your relationship. One concept to think of. You have the power to change your r/s (relationship). You don't have to talk your wife into anything. The way you behave... .especially if that is different that the past will change the dynamics of the relationship. Many people in r/s with pwBPD get "stuck" in patterns of behavior that are unhealthy for all involved. We'll help you get unstuck. Ready for your first homework assignment? :) Look over on the right side of the web page. There are "the lessons". They are all good... .but I would like you to focus on Tools: communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190 Please read that and post some of your reactions... .and any insight you think you may have gained. |