BPDFamily.com

I haven't told my wife "I think you have BPD" but I managed to get her therapist to suggest to her some psychological testing to determine what might get found out.

I'm not even sure what kind of tests they will administer but I think this is a step in the right direction.

My wife seems on board with the idea of testing, she's aware of the issues she has and just said to me: "I'd rather know what's going on that not know."

Stay tuned.

excellent news batavia! she sounds like a fully willing participant in the process. that's essential.

OK... .this is really good news.

Who will be doing the testing?

Since you suspect BPD... .I would make sure the person testing knows this.

In fact... probably good to ask them to do appropriate testing to "rule out" BPD. 

MMPI is a good test to ask for that gives lots of information.

Hopefully the psychologist will spend several sessions talking to your wife as well. 

While the tests are great... .they have to be put in context... .that is where multiple interviews help.

Also make sure you go to medical doctor.  Express concerns about mental health... .and make sure they do blood testing and physical tests to "rule out" a non-mental cause.

Lots here to do... .and one reason I'm putting lots out there is that while you have a wife that is willing to get tested... .make sure you get the real story. 

Last:  make sure the people testing have heard about her behaviors from you.   That will help put things in context.

Thoughts on my suggestions?

Hello republik_van_batavia,

As the others have said, that is great news! It must feel so frustrating to feel so isolated in this situation, and many of us have been in the same place. It takes great commitment to stay with a BPD partner, but you are trying to do that with your wife.

We have a great wealth of information on BPD which can perhaps help you understand what may be going on with her. A core fear of abandonment lies at the heart of a BPD sufferer. Add to that emotional dysregulation and perhaps a mood disorder such as chronic depression, and it is so much to deal with for those of us not afflicted with the disorder. Your anger is understandable, yet we can become unwitting triggers for their own worst fears. We also need support, and being the targets of inappropriate anger outbursts, withdrawal and silent treatment, and even dissociation from reality in some cases can be maddening. pwBPD (people with BPD) also suffer from a core sense of shame, born long ago in their childhoods. "I'm a bad person, undeserving of love." In a lot of cases, the more we show that love, the more it can trigger their shame, often resulting in denial, and in a lot of cases projection of their issues onto us.

I congratulate you on having the control to not throw a diagnosis in her face. I made that mistake once, and mine admitted later it scared the crap out of her. I came here... .got support, and understood. She later self diagnosed herself with some type of attachment disorder. I was silent by that point. She abandoned her therapy, diagnosed two years previously with depression. There was no testing performed.

She moved out 5 months ago. Using the communication tools I learned here, however, has helped me to be more empathetic with her as a co parent of our two young children. The communication tools, developed by experts in treating the disorder, have helped me keep conflict to a minimum. I also learned to set clear boundaries in a non-triggering way with her, which protects me.

Please take a look at the lessons on the staying board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0). I think they can be of great help to you in a number of ways. Also, it would be great to join and post to that board, as senior members there can best support you.

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0)

Take Care, republik_van_batavia, and I hope you stick around!

Turkish

Thanks for all the support everyone.  I'm not sure about the details of the testing as my wife's therapist is setting it up.  The therapist knows that I suspect BPD but my wife does not.  So I don't know how this will all play out in terms of what will be tested.