BPDFamily.com

Reading my journal from when I first met him and as it went on - I was SO spot on without knowing what it was called!

"He is extremely confused and says crazy sh#t to me. He said we are good friends,  confidants,  and why can't we leave it at that? WHAAT? He said he doesn't want to be scrutinized by me. He said 'you want  more than I can give you, and to be honest, you are putting more into this than what I see.' He can't even function because he is so broke, but there is always money for a party. How do you become intimate conversationally with someone,  know their soul,  and then shut it off like a faucet? He panics/avoids/runs from closeness with me. He wants freedom, is a broke a*#, is dictatorial at times and likes to lecture, is becoming reclusive, puts me last and lets me know it." And the wonderful line - Wow, do I ever write anything good about this man? I so had it all correct! Just didn't know it had a name!

Wow Topknot. This is one of those moments when I have to say "were you dating my ex?"

I've had those conversations. Oof. They are/were SO CONFUSING. (Before knowing about BPD.)

Was the "friends/confidantes/leave it at that" discussion before you were intimate?

Boy ... .I do feel bad for them. At arm's length hearing about someone else's ex partner saying such things, it's so obvious how scared they are. But. As a friend of mine pointed out about my ex, "yes he is scared. But he doesn't realize that's what's going on. He believes the surface story his defenses produce about how there's something wrong with you or there's some intractable outside reason why things cannot work out."

I just had a moment where I got angry and a bunch of early memories flooded back.  Remembering a bunch of red flags early on. Like you I saw them. But my own narcissism and the trauma bonding blinded me.  If we really think about it they showed red flags they probably even warned us.  How foolish I was.  I don't blame myself.  The truama bond is such a powerful thing.  I remember before the trauma bond and I definately would have walked away the way she treated me later on.  The trauma bonding changes everything but it was my own narcissism that sealed the bond. I have no shame in it the narcissistic belief that love prevails that my love was good enough this time that her feeling my love would be internalized and give her the strength hers had given me. 

I feel you, its so confusing ... .Even tho I was her soulmate and she loved me more than anything, she often prioritized me last, and was so ice cold some times when i tried to reach out to her. And she always said she needed her freedom, and i gave her freedom, but it was never good enough.

The bond you had, at least for me, the very strong bond managed to ignore all red flags, because "poor her" she was damaged by a horrible childhood, so that pretty much made me ignore all red flags, and just lived in the hope of "fixing" her (with help of T), and she always gave me hope too by saying how wonderful the future will become and how much she "owed" me for being with her when she needed me at the most. Then she got better (from her anxiety) and dumped me a day she woke up feeling she didn't love me anymore.