BPDFamily.com

I know my rs is over but I admittedly still long to hear from my ex.  It's crushing to be so completely erased from his life.  I was thinking about his tonight, what would I want to hear from him?  What would I want him to say to me?

In my case I would want him to say he was sorry.  That he knew I wasn't the awful person he accused me of being.  That he knew I loved him.  That he regretted everything that happened and he was sorry to have lost me.  That he really did love me and I was important to him.  That I was not so easily replaced. 

What would you want to hear? 

You were enough for me and I wasnt enough for you.  I acknowledge our faults and my role in the dynamic of our relationship. 

I would want to hear The Truth. Whatever it really is. No lies this time.

I would want to hear that he is getting the right kind of help, that he acknowledges how his bad decisions affected me and ruined our relationship and that he understands and regrets my pain.  I would like to hear that he appreciates the help I tried to give him and that he would do what it takes to get better.  I will not be hearing these things.  I would also like for him to publicly profess these things on Facebook in the same way he publicly humiliated me on there.

Easy (WOW! It must be Wednesday Night Ultimate Fantasy Time! LOL!)

I would want to be told who she cheated on me with and when.

I would want her to admit to all the lies to her parents about me, her new hero, her therapist.

Apologize for not being supportive to me when my Mother was dying.

... .basically admit to all the big stuff and then apologize to me for ALL of it.

The cool thing is... .until she does exactly that, I will never talk to her for any reason and that keeps me safe from more abuse. |iiii  |iiii  |iiii

We all know NONE of this will ever happen, right?

WOW - Em, I have to say - your question has given me an aha in my own journey.

I don't want to hear anything - nothing at all.  My life is different, I have moved on, I have grieved, there is absolutely nothing my ex could say to help me at all.  I don't even think that I have thought of this question in so long, that I didn't realize it was gone... .thank you

It has taken time and I have shed a lot of tears, but there is nothing - no key my ex has - that could make me any more whole or happy than I am right now.

Em - you matter even without him; honestly, you do.

At this point I don't want to hear from her at all. During the first month after the breakup I wanted her to say she is sorry for hurting me and that she would get help now. The call never came.

I'd like to hear that she has been getting help, and has been getting better at building a stable life for her kids, but I'd like to hear it from somebody else since i wouldn't believe it from her.

This is a good post. I'm shocked to find that I'm with Seeking Balance on this one. Just a month or 2 ago I'd have had a whole scenario that would have made my heart hurt with longing to hear, but now i think i'd rather never hear from her again.

Found out today she didn't file her taxes (again) so her government money will be gone (again) which when she was getting she was barely breaking even every month. I suspect she'll be evicted soon. Wonder if she'll contact. Doubt she will. Hope she doesn't. Either way I'm more than done holding out a shred of hope that she'll be anything but a trainwreck for the rest of her life.

Hi Em. I would want to hear I am sorry.  Sorry for all I took from you when you only were caring and kind to me.  I would want to hear acknowledgment of all that he did from day one and why he did all those things to me for absolutely no reason. My logic mind knows this could never happen but taking ownership of the ways we hurt others is how people move on.  I did track him down a few times after he abandoned me and politely asked if we could just talk for a few moments.  You see, I was desperate for closure.  Having none.  As I talked about our r/s and said I was so truly confused about what happened, I sighted some very specific examples of splitting in lay man terms.  I asked him why he did that to me.  Why he would want to keep hurting my heart when all I did was care for him.  His answer came after what appeared like a concentrated effort to find the thought.  His answer on both occasions " because I wanted to."

Im with the others here.  I no longer want or hope to see him to hear anything.  There was never going to be closure from him.  I had to do all that work all by myself while recovering from the trauma.  I'm not giving any part of that over to him. 

Years ago I was in your spot. My H left me for another girl (yes girl) and just completely vanished form my life. I was desperate for him to return to me, to love me, to want me….all of that…I didn’t understand what or why this was happening. He had just been professing his undying love for me, like the day before all hell broke loose. Long story short he came back and I accepted him back. He said he was sorry, he said he loved me, he said that I was the best thing to ever happen to him….all the things I wanted to hear he said them.

I felt powerful, I felt loved, I felt desired….and he beat himself up for all his horrible behavior towards me and our little family…words are only words. Actions are required to make those words meaningful. That action never followed through. I accepted what was given, like a happy puppy just happy to have that attention again…his attention…but…now, years later….it’s meaningless.

He did the bare minimum to be here with me, I accepted the bare minimum to keep him here with me. It’s not nearly enough. I think he tried for a time…but it didn’t last. That effort was short lived and we’ve slowly come full circle and we’re right back where we were then. The biggest difference now is that I’m better educated, I understand things more, I know myself better than I did before.

Today I honestly believe that I should have never accepted him back in my life…never… but there’s no do overs, not going back…all we have is form this moment forward…and with every step we take we’re moving forward towards the future. We have to know where we want to go so we can be able to take the path that will lead us there. It’s very-very important to know yourself, maybe the most important thing in the world.

The original question was what would I want to hear from him? Nothing. I want to SEE from him…things that he has proven he’s incapable of doing. And maybe ‘incapable’ is the wrong sentiment, maybe it’s more like Unwilling to do.

Ah yes, ultimate fantasy time :)

1)" I am sorry. I am sorry for everything I have said and done to you. I am sorry that I lied and distorted the truth. I am sorry that I continually criticised and belittled you and broke down your defenses. I am sorry I tortured you emotionally. I am sorry I was so cold and distant when I wasn't able to communicate my pain to you. I am sorry for hurting you. The horrible things I said, were my illness speaking. I did not mean them. I did mean it when I said I would always love you, that I think of you every day and that I am so happy with you.

2) I take responsibilty for things not working out. I may not be able to be in a relationship with you, but I own up to my own shortcomings, part of which is  my personality disorder.

3) I thank you for trying to help me and for making me understand myself better. I know that I have problems and I will take your advice and talk to someone and try to figure out how I can help myself.


4) I recognize that I need help, and I will stop torturing and abusing the women I start relationships with.

I want my wife to just admit that her mental illness is the cause of a lot of problems... .I mean it takes two, of course... .but she won't even acknowledge that she perceives the world in a really distorted way!

I've asked myself this question recently.  I've visualized how I would respond if we were to sit and talk.  In the visual exercise, I imagine him sharing the truth with me, separating fact from fiction, and taking responsibility.  He speaks and I listen. I don't have any questions for him. I don't have much to add to the dialog.  I thank him, wish him well, and take what he has shared with me with a grain of salt. As he leaves and I prepare to shut the door, I know that I don't wish to see him again.

There's nothing that I want to hear from him.

What would I want to hear from her?

Absolutely NOTHING! Because I wouldn't believe a DAM THING that comes out of her pathological, uncontrollable LYING MOUTH   Even if she would manage to own up to all of her improprieties and SICK lies about me I would be questioning her MOTIVES. She would be confessing to me because she needed something from me.

I can't let my guard down even in a HYPOTHETICAL... .NC is NC even in FANTASY LAND!

I know I sound harsh and jaded but I need to live in reality. 20yrs of living in the BPD FOG will do that to a person.

What I would like to SEE Is her going to a serious well trained Therapist that specializes in BPD so she can get the help she needs. I don't want to HEAR IT but SEE IT She's lied about this too.

Good thread!

Sincerely... .MWC *)

I wouldn't want to hear ever again from my exBPDgf.  She was a lying, manipulative, selfish person.  I hope she gets help but I wouldn't want to hear from her again.  I have forgiven myself for caring for her so much while she did the minimum during our relationship. 

I agree with those who say that they wouldn't want to hear a thing from their exes. Not a single word that comes out of his mouth isn't motivated by some selfish, manipulative horror show that is designed to serve his own interests, either in the short term or in the long term.

But ... .

If he could communicate with me more effectively about our child, that would be great. No strings, no BS, just an honest update about our kid, and how he's raising our kid. That's it.

Until he has a proven track record of consistent, reliable, stable, decent, genuine behavior, I won't believe a thing he says. Even if he cries, even if he begs, even if he somehow managed to give me the moon. I won't buy it.

While looking me in the eyes acknowledge all the hurtful things she's done and appologize from the heart

For years and years I wanted to hear from her that she's sorry, that she understands, that she remembers and values the times we had together.

But I have come to understand that it is pointless. I have even got to hear some of those things from her only to have her take them back later. Or only to discover that she didn't remember saying it on a later occasion.

Everything in their world is temporary and fleeting. You could have them say anything but it means very little because their statements are just manifestations of what they are currently feeling.

The past is subject to revisionism due and future plans are changed daily, all due to current mood.

It's like dealing with a drunk. They want to kiss and make up and if you don't comply then they can turn nasty on you at the blink of an eye.

Nothing, zilch, zero, nadda….!

BS emitted from her mouth during the relationship so why are things going to different after a relationship.

It would all be total BS, I could see it now, her sat there, all sweetness and light, asking question after question about what I'd been up to etc etc, she would never be able to say sorry, fact. She cannot discuss emotions, feelings, hell, she only cried once in our relationship in front of me.

I want to hear nothing from her, she is not worthy of my time, simples!

NOTHING she's a liar, cheater, manipulator, who will get exactly what she deserves. I won't even listen to a single thing she has to say because it's all lies. Every single word is a lie.

It would be nice if she accepted that she played a part in my ending up in hospital after one screaming episode (public) from her too far... . 

But she wouldn't do that.  Far too hard to look at reality, the successful, healthy and happy man I was before her... .and the lonely, depressed and miserable person I became with her. 

A year on, away from the BPD 'hell' and entirely NC, I owe my life to a handful of people who got me out of there.  She'd deny it ever got that bad... .  I think she was getting her hair and nails done when I was in hospital using mummy's money as usual...  

I'd liken to hear a 'sorry'... .then I'd probably laugh.  She wasn't sorry at all.  Couldn't care less. 

A great question,

I would want her to be accountable for her words and actions and hear a genuine apology because I believe it's deserved.

I have drawn a line here for myself. I don't wan't her back and I will remain completely NC.

However, if she was to do the above and I had the sense it was humble and genuine, I may then consider a degree of LC.

Until this happens, she is banned from my life. Simple, the biggest thing that I got from this experience is that I never ever have to accept the unacceptable again.

I am certainly not going to hold my breath waiting for her amend.

I'm envious of those of you who would like to hear nothing.  I hope I can get there someday.  I'd also like to hear the "truth".  As in what the hell happened?  After all the crap we went through what made you change your mind seemingly overnight? 

Then I remembered something.  Everything I said I wanted to hear from him?  I did hear it.  I [/i]heard it all after the first break up when he was trying to put it back together.    It was what he had to say at the time to get what he needed at the time.  It didn't mean anything.  In fact he pretty much told me it didn't mean anything after this break up.  So why do I want to hear it again?  Guess I don't want to hear it.  I want him to feel it.

Hi Emelie Emelie,

I am with you. I wish I cold want to hear nothing, but I still wish I could get that closure. In fact I want it so badly I am even still considering a re-engagement, although I am fully aware that it would not give me the answers and apologies I want so badly.

  Sorry the last part got copied into your post... .


I too wish I could hear the truth. What the hell happened when you lashed out in the most vicious way possible? If only he could say something like "I was so afraid of becoming attached, I was so resentful of all your success and jealous of everything you have and I don't, so I couldn't help myself and had to vilify you" Ah, that would bring some sweet relief. I know that will never happen.

And, like your ex, mine also came crying, literally got on his knees, asking to give him one more chance, he was just "so angry" when he said those things and didn't mean it, and he "hates that he loves me", but will always do so, and said he cannot be without me. At that time I had to leave, to go to work and I said so and also that I was in such shock, that I needed time to think about it. His face went blank, all sorrow and despair seemingly erased, and he walked out the door. Giving me time to think about it was unacceptable.

ST from him now, after a brief recycle. I have to admit, right now I don't want to hear nothing, I want to hear anything  cry

Posted on: Today at 09:14:15 PM Posted by: Emelie Emelie

I want to read from her that she appreciated the 25+ years together, the fathering of her children, the life of luxury and that she now realizes she is disordered and in serious therapy and that she takes responsibility for destroying the best thing that ever happened to her. Truly a fantasy scenario if there ever was one: she'd willingly be burned at the stake before saying any of that. If she did I'd fall down dead! Guess I'm going to live after all.

Fantastic thread.

In the past, my ex was always very good at apologizing for "being stupid" as she put it. A lot of people on here always talk about how their former S.O. was totally incapable of understanding their role in relationship problems, and in my situation that never happened. She never danced around subjects and took the blame when she messed up. I honestly believe these apologies were genuine; she was too specific in what she said and directly addressed issues that she herself caused without skewing the story at all, whereas 99% of people on here report child-like denial with their pwBPD. I think that's what gave me hope that her disorder was something she could work through.

These apologies stopped when I became concerned about virtually all of her behavior and messaged what I thought was a close friend of hers, asking for help - it ended up being her secret underage online lesbian "fiancee" that had never even met my ex IRL. Just by walking into this, I was instantly painted black. There wasn't even a traditional "breakup message", just terrible grammar, immense hatred, and legal threats. I still had some of my clothes at her house, and it was obvious I wasn't getting those back, although in her ranting she did admit she wore my stuff a few times and eventually threw it all out.

I started my own smear campaign against her to get my side of the story out first, and it was pretty successful. Her dad became aggravated over this and demanded me to take everything down or else face "legal action". I said I'd comply if she apologized to me. Haven't received any letters telling me to prepare for court, haven't received any phone calls from police accusing me of "cyberbullying" or something else ridiculous, and still haven't received an apology.

An apology is all I really want, and she seemed to have been capable of it in the past; it's not unreasonable to want one now. Pictures don't do her justice, but sleeping with her again or just trying to spend a few hours with her to smooth things over and say everything that needed to be said would be a mistake.

I thought I "loved" the abandoned child mode of my ex.  I thought I loved the mirroring.   These were just projections of my false self.   But I did genuinely love her desire to be good.  Her desire to be whole. Her desire to be loved and to love. And I loved her courage to wake up every morning and face her terror and continue to try and reach her goals with little to no understanding of how to achieve them.

But, courage wasn't enough and she simply is not capable of accomplishing any of those desires.  

And I didn't help her at all.  In fact I enabled her disorder at the cost of both of us. And sadly, she said so many things that were either lies or beyond her capacity to honor that anything that comes out of her mouth to me has no value.

Therefore now, the only thing I'd like to hear/see is that maybe, just maybe... .she might have found the tiniest spark of self awareness such that she might have the tiniest hope of experiencing the grace and the joys of being human.

But I sincerely don't think there is any real hope.  It just doesn't happen.  Her limited relief will be that of a three-year old on the merry go round while it covers up the nightmare of the terror of her abusive and dangerous childhood.  And she will never know, empathy, sacrifice, selflessness, love, connection, joy or grace.  All she will have is the occasional highs that cover the pain and the zombie-like existence of feeding on the souls of others.  

Wow... .very profound and so accurate.  I am so sad for these people.

Honestly

At this point it's doesn't matter. She got angry I was stuck in my illusion I projected onto her and she felt engulfed by it. No one to blame we both had equal parts in it.

I guess that once I heal that me and her can be friends.

All her bad behavior was just her trying to break the illusion. My own pride kept me stuck In it.

I honestly think I can be friends with her one day.

I am also one of those who don't want to hear anything further from my BPDex.  In fact, I received an ever so normal sounding email yesterday, to thank me for sending him a copy of the divorce papers, and a whole apologetic message about being sorry about the way he spoke to me, and that he understands it must have been difficult for me to live with him.  That he thanks me for the "wonderful" times we shared (my recollection of the 11 months we shared is quite different, and there was really not a single time I can say was truly "wonderful".

I realise that he has a really profound personality problem, rooted in his childhood abuse and parental neglect, being sexually violated and exploited at a young age, etc.  I realise that people who have been so damaged, don't suddenly change overnight. So anything that he says to me now is still under question.  If he had to contact me in a few years to come and say that he had spent the past years in therapy and that he wants to apologise for the pain I suffered during and after our 11 month marriage, then perhaps I would be more inclined to take it seriously.  Whether I would want to revisit a hopefully closed chapter in my life, would be another story.

BLIM... .hate to burst your fantasy bubble... .but we know, understand and can engage in "friendships".

We are mature adults, that understand the concepts of "contribution" and "boundaries".

An untreated pwBPD can do none of that. None.

... .so as far as any kind of meaningful friendship IMHO, a pwBPD is simply not capable of it, in any way.

You are probably right but I think I could be capable again. I was afraid of her for a while.  The thing is I don't need a mirror anymore so it might not be so appealing.  In the last 72 hours I detached finally.

Blim,

WHY WHY WHY WHY

You ask how us with kids do it.  Because we have to

  Why make a choice to engage. 

I have learnt a lot through this about those around me, friends and family particulary. 

MUM

A bit of Narcissism and I'm fairly sure BPD, especially 10-15 years ago. 

DAD

Codependant / very passive

BEST MATE

Normal (after lots of therapy himself that he only recently admitted to)

BEST MATES MUM

Alcoholic + BPD

BOSS AT WORK

Total NPD

OLD BOSS

Total NPD

FIRST GIRLFRIEND

BPD + Substance abuse / addiction. 

A GOOD FEMALE FRIEND OF MINE

BPD (2 exbfs going through court with her, stalking + domestic violence - she blames them for it all)

ANOTHER WORK MATE AND HIS NEW GF

BPD + NPD match made in heaven

I have all of these people that I can identify behaviours in that are totally off the scale.  I accept my mum she has calmed down alot.  I have trouble seeing when she abuses my dad verbally as it triggers me understanding it.  I accept my beat mates mum, she has finally quit drinking.  I accept my first GF she is long gone out of my life.  I accept my boss because I have to, using I believe statements etc sets him off.  I am ready for his BS and know what to expect.  Friend that is NPD with new BPD gf.  I am enjoying observing that and learning from it. 

Why choose to expose yourself to someone that has done that harm to you on a personal level.  As friends be aware of them, as bloody friends after destroying you WHY choose that. 

Cam you accept it or is your narcissistic self telling your your able to and better than her BS.  Believe me the little bit of pride that has been built back up can get ripped down mighty fast.   

Hold onto it, cherish it and don't put it at risk because you don't have to.  Radically accept that she is toxic and only harm can come from trying to be friends. 

Amen. Aussie JJ's right. Those of us with kids have no choice.

Very good point. I have no inclinations now but I think I will get to a point where I don't think I would internalize her crap and if she treated me any way I didn't want I would set a boundary or just plan walk away.  I think a part of it is a fantasy of me walking away from her feeling like I escaped and smiling rather than hating myself for being hurt and feeling like a coward scuttling away.

Even us with kids have a choice. I am in EXTREME LC with my uBPDXW. I also have Extreme boundaries (no texting,no phone calls, only emails on a limited basis and she's not allowed at my house) put up for my sanity. I adhere to these boundaries so I'm not exposed to her crazy world. I am luckier than most with kids because I have primary custody.

MFC *)

I want to hear her own up and be responsible.

No gaslighting.

No psychological speech.

No defensiveness.

Just ... .yes, I did that and it's how it was.

An apology might be nice ... .at least an apology for what happened.

Not an apology from her feeling guilty and like a punished child. Which is what normally would happen.

I'd just like her to own it without the guilt, shaming, drama, acting out, around and around bulljunk.

I'd like her to say, yes I did say I hate you and leave ... .and not give a million different explanations for it.

I'd like her to apologize for hurting me and all the false accusations of cheating ... .without her saying that a joke I made once was the premise for all the accusations. (seriously ... .a joke is justification for 9 months of accusations?)

I'd like her to apologize for saying I'm not a man. I am a man. I manned up and left her ass after being torn down one too many times.

I'd like her to apologize for accusing me of lying, manipulation and hiding things.

And the truth is, she never will.

She feels bad because I responded like any sane person would do, I left.

She feels punished, and refuses to acknowledge the larger picture. I'm not punishing her.

I was dying.

I wish she would acknowledge and take responsibility and apologize for her behavior and how it demolished me emotionally, undermined my self esteem, and left me feeling broken.

I wish she would apologize for accusing me of faking being sick when I was having severe chest pains and was so frightened and anxious that I was certain, if I stayed, I would have had a heart attack.

She never will.



So ... .what do I REALLY want to hear from her?

Not everyone has primary custody, and in my case, with a 2 yr old, I NEED to have some kind of communcation established, since the little one can't really tell me what's going on, and the ex is a neglectful, difficult person prone to rages.

I set very strict limits with him as well. No entry into the house, limited communication, etc. ... .but sometimes on the advice of my laywer I have to discuss other issues.

I would like to further limit contact but it would come at the cost of my child's welfare, which I refuse to do.

Just saying, not everyone has as much choice as you do. I wish more than anything that things were set in stone for me, on the legal front, but they're not. Until then, my choices are limited.

Well, what you do is still maintaining a fantasy bond with her that can be regained in the future, when you're "healed" and worthy for her attention.