BPDFamily.com

We broke up in Oct 2013 but reconciled for three months from Feb 2014 - May 2014.

We have a 2 year old son so I have to have some form of contact/ communication. She is very abusive and will go from offering me dinner when dropping off one day to painting me completely black two days later.

She picks fights for fun.

I've had sex since the break up but we had sex with each other a month ago. She for one day went back to idealisation.

She has had sex with a man in the last three weeks a couple of times. It turns out she was communicating with him during our relationship and saw him for the first time the DAY BEFORE we got back together.



I know the relationship is toxic, I know she will never change, I know she will devalue the new relationship before long. How do I get over her fully? 

I hurts me to think of her with another man

Hello, londonD &  *welcome*

Are the two of you married? Separated? Divorced? Separated partners to each other? You say you broke up in October 2013, but reconciled from February 2014 to May 2014? So, does that mean you've been separated for 2 months, but actually had a bit of a reunion a month ago? With a 2 year-old son, you are correct that you will need to be in communication with her, regardless of the state of your union, for a long time. Have you checked out the links to the right-hand side of this page? Before you can make anything better, you much stop making it worse, and The Lessons will help you navigate that relationship in a way that would beneficial for that communication, as well as for your son.

How long had you two been together? What are you hoping for with this relationship? I know you are asking how to get over her fully, and there is a Message Board on this site for that. But, if you are thinking that you would like to try to make this work, then the links to the right side of this page would help you in that endeavor. The Undecided Board: Staying or Leaving (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0) also has links to the right-hand side of the page that could help you figure out the pros and cons of disengaging from her or trying to make things work out. What is the outcome you are most interested in, londonD? Reading the information I mentioned above, could really help you with that decision, I think... .

Can you tell us more of your situation, so we can help you better?   

Hi Rapt Reader

We are currently separated. Correct we reconciled for three months but I went back to the way it was previously. My ex is almost definitely BPD, I've read extensively, one article titled "early warning signs BPD" matches our first date exactly, playing the victim, sex very early etc etc.

We've been separated for two months, we had sex and spent the days as a family a month ago. It was lovely and the way we should be but it was idealisation. She has been seeing someone for the last three weeks which is very painful but its not serious.

We were together for 3.5 years but knew each other for two years before becoming an item. The arguments were too often, too heated and too many things have been said and done for us to reconcile. I know deep down that it will never work and I'll be back on these boards in six months.

I've been speaking to a therapist and I'm a narcissist. That's why we were so attracted to each other and why things were so intense. Because of the fact I'm a narcissist I'm finding it very difficult to let go, the thought of her in a relationship/ having sex with another man is killing me, it drives me mad.

I fell in love with a woman, who was pregnant within four months of our relationship beginning (trapped). The hard thing is that this woman never existed. The person I loved was fake, it's this person I'm mourning.

I'm three days NC, I've been communicating with her father to arrange access of my son. She is also going away for a month to work in a hospital in Africa (med student), this may be a good thing for me so I don't have to see her.

The problem I have is letting go, moving on and the thought of her entering a relationship with another man. She is messaging multiple men trying to replace me aggressively.

Sorry to read about your stuff 

I think you will find more people alike on the Undecided or Leaving boards.

The people here have no intent or experience with fully moving on or detaching... .

Best of luck there   

Thanks for filling us in with the rest of the information, londonD. It sounds like this traumatic relationship was really confusing and painful for you, and getting over it will take some time. Understanding what we have been through - our true reality - is very hard. So much is not as it seems. This is because our understanding of what has happened is based on our view of the relationship. Our partner's view was very different. Our senior members on [L3] Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with Borderline Personality (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0) can help you understand the 10 common misconceptions that most of us struggle with as we disengage and look at ways to deal with them.

Like ziniztar, I would like to encourage you to check out that Board, and while there make sure to check out every link to the right-hand side of that page. The information will help you understand and deal with your disengagement from your Ex, and when you read the threads from the other members of that Board you will no doubt see yourself and your own situation. You also can post there and get specific insights and advice on your questions and feelings.

A good start would be with this Article: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf) and this one: Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves). Please head on over to the Leaving/Disengaging Board for more information; this one (the Staying Board) is for people who are actively working on making their love relationship work, and the support and advice is geared to those ends. The Leaving Board would really give you what you are looking for, londonD. I wish you well, and hope that the pain and sadness are alleviated for you soon