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After having a crying episode that lasted for three days I went to my doctor and was referred to a Psychologist.  My appointment was today and it went well.  I was very honest and I liked her.  After sharing details about my exbf (his official diagnosis is BPD with paranoid Schizophrenia and PTSD) she said that those people never get better and even if they manage their lives with medication and therapy it is never stable for long and life with them would always be miserable.  I believe that based on what I have read here and intellectually I get it.  But my heart won't hear of it.  My heart keeps screaming that I love him.  Are these people just disposable?  Are there people in this world who just have no hope?  No wonder they have suicidal tendencies.  Why wouldn't they?  Even professionals have no hope for them.  I know I need to focus on myself and if he wants to get better it is up to him and he has to commit to serious therapy.  I know.  I really do.  But it sucks!  Why can't you just fall in love with someone and stick with them and everything will work out?  I would have done anything for him.  Well, anything except subject my son to his rages.  I'm sure we will address this at some point in therapy.  Meanwhile, I have to ponder it until next week.  These are just my random evening thoughts.   

Hey Karma - I'm glad it went well with your Psychologist.  I heard the same thing from my doctor and my therapist.  Even with therapy they typically don't get much better.  It's a very tough pill to swallow.  Because we do love them.  And it's heartbreakingly sad.  Hang in there. 

Hey K:

I'm glad that you're open to seeing a T.  I know it helped me.  By being open minded to suggestions from a professional who could objectively see me, I was able to trust the feed back and make improvements in my thought process, perspective, and actions.  

But it's all very hard to understand and accept.  Especially because at times my exgfwBPD seemed so lucid, understanding and adult.  And she really at those moments wanted to be an adult and was sincere in her promises to be an adult,

But she does not have the capacity.

It's like a person with Down's Syndrome.  No matter how much we love, and how much we try, and how much therapy... .and although they might to a certain degree understand that they are different, and they might want to change... .nothing of substance ever really changes for them.    And there's a lot of data now that says it is because of how their brains and hormonal systems developed.  A study came out today talking about how abused children develop totally messed up genes that trigger the flight or fight response.  And certain areas of the brain don't develop in pwBPD.  The defect is at the cellular and neurological level.  It's not a simply a character flaw.  It's a defect in the manufacturing.

A car built without Freon may be able to run pretty good at times, but it will never be able to give you relief from the daytime heat of the Arizona desert.  

 

But it take time to accept this fact.  And, knowing this fact doesn't really change the fact that we loved certain aspects of our exes.  And knowing doesn't ease the pain.  

But it can ease some of the suffering of our inability to let go and detach.  It's not personal.  Similar to a car without a/c that won't cool you in Arizona, it's not personal.  It just is.