BPDFamily.com

I notice on this website that several people noted how their BPD would show compassion or interest for their cat or an injured bird, but not so much for people. Recently Rolf Harris, a children’s entertainer was sentenced to 8 years for child sex crimes . This Australian man was in Australia’s 100 most trusted people. He was lauded as a national treasure and had been decorated by the Queen of England. Again this man was an expert on empathy; his latter days were hosting animal rescue type programs for kids, as he was so good at showing cuddly care towards little animals. The lawyers  in his trial were able to expose a dark narcissistic side (takes one to know one). He is believed to have a personality disorder.

Strikes me that showing a caring empathetic side to animals, is an easy starting point in faking empathy. Animals’ aren’t going to notice you’re faking, humans might. I can't remember a kind or self less act from my uBPDm that didn't have a clear benefit to her. My uBPDm use to say she loved people and talk about it, but can’t think of a single time she demonstrated this. She would argue against a generous offer from my Dad, then in front of us present this as her act of kindness.

My other question would be, my BPD has been bragging about gifting my kids money, but again no action. She also uses it to control by saying “Right I’d better change my will then.” As my kids are young, they expect it any day now, and my BPD says it’s in her will.  Am I right to assume, that my kids will be disappoint? At what age can you explain BPD to kids? Thankfully we have a good income, but my kids being very young have already spent this gift. Considering my BPD assumes we’re going to look after her in her old age (not). I expect she’ll be changing her will like she changes her cloths (once a week). Anyway, have you seen love and empathy faked ? Do you think my BPD is leading my kids up the garden path, I mean what benefit is there to her once she’s gone ?

Hi HappyChappy! I think that you're right to suspect that your BPD's promises regarding the will may not come through. Even if she doesn't actually change it frequently, it seems like she's using it as a form of manipulation or a mind game. My recommendation would be to try to encourage your kids to see it as something nice that might happen someday as a happy surprise, but maybe try to detach them from the expectation that this gift is definite or happening soon, if that's at all possible.

My uBPDm does fake love and empathy sometimes and it's really disconcerting to watch. My cousin (who was partially raised by my mom due to her own mom's BPD-related instability) is filling my mom's golden child role, and she gets most of the love and support that my mom expresses. I'm not sure how sincere it is, as it's wrapped up in complicated competitive sibling stuff with my uBPD aunt, and I think that they would probably all find themselves clashing frequently if they lived near each other. But my uBPDm can certainly be super-duper charming with strangers, and people who don't know her intimately frequently think she's great.  

Yep. Uh huh. Yes. And it's in weird spurts - very inconsistent. When my MIL left town to go live with her sister halfway across the country, she had her two elderly cats put down unceremoniously (despite her plaintive emails to us that we "take care of the innocent animals, they've never done anyone wrong" when she was threatening suicide two weeks prior to her departure) and then when we were cleaning out the house (my husband's house; his parents had been living there), we found one of MIL's parakeets in the freezer with a note asking us to bury it and sing hymns over it. What the heck. As for the examples of how she did this with people... .I don't feel like getting that heated up tonight!


aaaaaaaaaah okay I'll bite with one story. When MIL said she was going to kill herself, and we ended up at the house with her and two policemen (who she bluntly declared too young and too nonChristian to know anything), and after she decided she wanted DH and me to take her to the hospital (in retrospect, we should have put her in a cab... . ), she delayed packing her things and came out asking me what my birthstone was. ? Then returned from her room with an old semiprecious ring of hers, saying she wanted me to have it, to remember her by, as she loved me, her new DIL, so very much, and since she probably was not going to live much longer.

BULLCRAP. I almost laughed in her face. But it was more important in the moment to get her in the car and to the psych facility, while she still wanted to go. So I simply would not take the ring and told her she could give it to me at Christmas if she still wanted me to have it then.

Isn't it just finchfeather. I found Tony Blair and Bush disconcerting (often read both are very narcisstic). When they spoke about weapons of mass destruction, it reminded me of trying to find my scissors. The only difference being, I know I have scissors.

claudiaduffy A frozen parakeet in the fridge ! That's an invetive put down. What next, waking up to a budgies severed head on your pillow ?  :)

Claudiaduffy: we SERIOUSLY need to exchange emails. My mil sounds like yours- maybe they were seperated at birth?

Yes, they fake empathy.  My mil will batt her eyelashes and act all coyish when shes on the hunt for whatever it is she wants at that moment. Dont give her what she wants? Watch the claws and teeth emerge, its SCARY. And when that doesnt work, its back to the eyelashes except this time SHE is the victim and YOU are a monster for not meeting her demands.

On the topic of faked suicide threats, my mil just recently pulled one night before last, got many of her children and their spouses upset and worried, then shrugged it off like it was nothing.

meanwhile, my husband (her son) sends her a text msg saying "I love you, mom" to which she never even responds. Only time she ever freaking cares or pretends to care is when SHE wants something or gets something out of it- attention, control, etc

The hardest part is seeing the dissapointment in his eyes, watching him be invalidated all over again. I see the little boy in him that so desperately wants a healthy loving relationship with his mother but its not possible.

Its difficult not to hate her. But hate is a poison that will destroy US, not her. Compassion is my goal, first with myself, then with him. Forgiveness without condoning. Acceptance without obligation or guilt.

Maybe! And I found their triplet - www.amazon.com/Till-Gets-Wife-Daughters-Law/dp/1887730133/ref=pd_sim_b_17?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ZQ3V9ZEFW3HWG0CGXTG - I swear, this woman sounds exactly like my mil.


Has your husband allowed himself to be really angry at his mother yet? Does he recognize the wrong that she does to him? I agree with you that hate is a poison; but seasons of anger can cleanse toxins out so that healing can begin.

Claudia: NO! He has NOT allowed himself to be angry with HER. He's still stuck in thay "Honor your father and mother" BS and also hew Waif image she presents to him. Like "Poor mom. She's all alone and rejected after 38 yrs of marriage... ." I think he somehow still feels obligated and responsible to her. I got him that book, Toxic Parents, and also Surviving A Borderline Parent. As soon as I bring these things up the pain is visible in his whole demeanor, and he can only handle a little convo about it before he shuts down with anger and has to escape, usually by tuning out watching tv or smoking a joint. (I'm not against him using cannabis to help his anxiety/pain but it also turns into a bandaid to stop his internal bleeding- we dont drink in this house either)

hes opening up to me little by little, how what she did and does hurts him deeply. But I havent seen him really ALLOW himself to EXPERIENCE his own pain (do you know what I mean?)

He does have anger issues,  always had. But the truth is surfacing. His anger stems from the abuse he experienced at the hands of his own mother and father,  and this is excruciatingly painful to own up. Its easier deny.

Oh, Flower, I'm so sorry. That is a horrid place to be, for both of you. The "honoring parents" thing is so. damn. hard. to get past; my DH and I are both committed Christians, and I had a doozy of a time learning how honoring doesn't mean putting up with or excusing abuse with my own FOO. My DH might never have gotten around to it if our premarital counselor hadn't forced the issue with him. Somehow, he needed someone other than me to tell him that his mother was sick and that his "honoring" was nothing more than enabling and participating in his own abuse (it doesn't help that his late father was a pastor who enabled his wife in her nastiness. Way to add spiritual abuse to emotional abuse, dad.)

Is your husband at all open to the idea of counseling? ... .mine wasn't excited about it or sure why it was necessary, and only agreed to do it while we were still engaged because his mom had blown up at me over quite literally nothing and told me - in writing - that I needed to find another man and leave her son alone. Even then, it took me telling him how hurt I was by her actions for him to acknowledge that she was wrong. It was an uphill battle for a while there. And I wish I'd see him do a lot more emotional processing than he's been able to do yet, although I do know that he's fully angry with his mom now.

Hang in there. Can he see how you have to protect yourself from his mom because he's unwilling to do it? If he can't see that, can you show him? (Not that I think it should be his job to protect you from everything in life; but it IS his job to put you first of all people in the world, and letting his mom have her way with his heart denies you of that place in his priorities.)

Edit to say: I don't want to derail the OP's post OR have you think I'm trying to stir up discontent in your marriage. Just feeling deep camaraderie and concern for you and your DH.