BPDFamily.com

I share this here because anyone else I would share this with would think I am crazy – last weekend DD11 and I worked in the back yard and replaced some container plants that had died during the winter (I know it’s late in the season, but I finally got tired of waiting on uBPDh to get motivated and really tired of the backyard looking like death valley lol!)  We do have lots of deer in our area, but I put in the same plants we had before and they are deer resistant (not deer-proof – those little boogers will try most anything!).

H and I have a business together and we have had a difficult week w work and uBPDh being very stressed which ends up affecting every aspect of our lives (H is always “so stressed” so nothing new).  Yesterday an issue came up w work and H was very angry w me – I didn’t handle something the way he told me to but the way I handled it (which is the way I handle this issue based on outside expert advice – this issue comes up frequently) it was resolved positively and the way we needed it to be resolved for our business.  I knew that H had been building stress and needed to emotionally vomit, so just accepted that he was going to be angry but moved forward as peacefully as possible to accomplish what needed to be accomplished!

I was not home most of the evening yesterday and it was dark when I got home and this morning H asks if I have watered the plants outside.  I told him “no, the soil in the containers was very wet when we put them in on Sunday so I haven’t watered but I am going to have DD11 water this morning.”  I had noticed looking out the back door this morning when I let the dogs out that the plants I could see were looking a little droopy, but wasn’t worried about it so went off to work - then DS21 called me at work about 30 minutes later and told me the deer had uprooted most of the plants in the containers – not eaten – just uprooted (which has happened in the past). 

And instead of cursing those darn deer, I immediately wondered if H, in a fit of anger/rage/whatever, uprooted the plants yesterday evening while I was gone.   

It could have easily been the deer overnight which I think would be the “go to” thought for most people.  I am just so saddened that my first thought was to wonder if it was uBPDh.   There have just been so many things that have “innocently” happened that I have become sort of jaded.

Really don’t need an answer – just needed to share w others who will understand where my “sort of dysfunctional” thinking comes from…

My first reaction was laughter at the mental image of this. My second reaction was quiet contemplation and reflection. My third reaction was sadness. These are our relationships, our version of "normal".

sadly I know exactly what you mean.  My uBPDh has lied and gaslighted me on so many things that if he told me the sky was blue I would question him (why is he telling me this? it can't really be blue then! am I crazy and the sky is really green? lol... .even though it's not really funny because it's true).

it really is a sad reality we live in, where we have to question anything that happens

Those darned deer!  After checking out the plants and containers this afternoon, I do believe it was deer that mangled the plants.  Deep sigh... .just wish I didn't have to think those gaslighting thoughts ... .I spent some time re-planting, putting deer cloth in place and cleaning up around the area.  UBPDh still isn't ready to let yesterday's issue go, but at least my plants are safe from deer!  So glad there is a place where people understand.

So... not only can you find people on this site that know what's its like to face BPD traits... .you also have found kindred spirits with regards to deer. 

they can sometimes be cute... .but on my property... .they are no good at all.

Bunch of destructive creatures... .

Hang in there... .you are recognizing what may be unhelpful thought patterns.  Focus on that... .rather than worrying about the fact that you have those patterns.   |iiii

If you find those thought patterns are affecting your behavior... .might be time to give them more attention.