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2 Maybe 3 weeks now I lost count. The last shot over the bow, one text, " U cant get close to anyone. you have no skills when it comes to women. This is the night after I confronted her because we went out and she was texting the new victim and then I went back and saw that he was there and texted her " Im done". Then I need help, I have problems, I am a freak, she will never share with me again blah blah blah. Caught dead in a lie and confronted. She projects all the traits and faults in herself onto me as they do. On my way home she called me to say she loved me ( no really to make sure I was gone so the new lover can enter undetected). So she is caught, confronted- I texted her that BPDs were two faced mean and heartless. Oh just leave me alone. I said it was the only decent thing she ever did for me. The next morning the last shot across the bow and now Silence. She is doing this to still control me I know. I have read everyhing about the projecting and silent treatment and some days feel I am beginning to move on in my mind and heart. I have initiated therapy process but with no in depth sessions yet. But I woke from a nap on this Sunday afternoon and I still think of the person I thought I knew and wonder if she is ok. I am still upset and it will not go away and though there is no logical reason for it, my soul is torn apart. God help me for feeling this way. She may never contact me again with her new supply there as far as I now. I don't hear what is going on with her and I shouldn't care. But I do and I cant help that. Every bit of advice and knowledge of this disorder is telling me I should be grateful I dodged the bullet of the worst it has to offer and I am begging for a word from this heartless disturbed person, who has thrown me under the bus a the drop of a hat and will only do it again. I guess I am more disturbed than I thought. She is still in my head and wont go away.

It's early my friend, give it some time, and remember, the only useless pain is the pain we don't learn and grow from.  The best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, start to focus away from her and your past and towards your bright future, and start to look for the lessons from the relationship.

Borderlines aren't heartless, they have too much heart, or more broadly they feel all emotions intensely and can't control them, so they've come up with coping tools, survival skills, that make life bearable; some of those tools end up being very painful on the receiving end, as you've experienced.

Whether or not you have a problem with rescuing or you just cared about her a great deal is something to work out with your therapist.  Borderlines are extremely good at being who they think you want, and they're usually right, because attachments are mandatory, they cease to exist without them.  If you, like I, went in blind and fell for a dream come true, it's totally normal to care a great deal about that person and want the best for them.  Unfortunately they usually weren't being straight with you from the beginning, they can't be because they don't like or care about themselves, so what we fell for was a fiction, although the feelings are totally real for us.  Why we stuck around after the facade crumbled and we saw what was really up is a grand area of study moving forward, fertile field for growth, but best to just take it easy for now, and don't make it worse with continued contact.  Take care of you!

You probably know it by now, but it's time to move on.  As hard as it probably seems your best course of action would be to move forward with your life without her.  She lied to you all the way until you caught her in her lie and she continued to lie to you after.  You will never be able to trust her again.  She is not showing you any respect by having your replacement come over after she thought you were going home.  You don't need someone like that in your life.  Someone who would lie and manipulate you.  As I was told when I was going through something similar, get some cajones and move on, forget about her as hard as it may seem but she is one selfish person.  Let her go and move on with your life.  You have a world to explore, a life to live, go live it.  You don't need someone who will lie to you, manipulate you. 

Thanks for the advice. It is still so hard to deal with. I know I should not expect closure but the coldness and callousness of her not even calling or attempting to talk is getting to me even though I know it is  for the best. From what I have learned it is because they are not able to confront the terrible things they do and running away is their method of avoiding dealing with the guilt. I sure hope she feels some of the guilt for the horrible pain she has caused me and I am sure many others who were undeserving of it. Hopefully time will improve the situation. I guess because I consider myself a normal person switching from love to intense hate overnight is uncomprehensible to me and always will be. Maybe that is good for me to realize that as an admirable trait in me and something she totally lacks. You just will always wonder what she really thought of you behind all the masking and lies and disfunction. I guess I will have to accept that I will never know. I was good and did good and was repayed with what I can only describe as evil. I will never understand that.

Here's a version: the more she realized you were good and did good the worse she felt about herself, and the harder it was to mirror that good, since mirroring is a way to attach yes, but the main purpose is to assimilate the good a borderline sees in you as their own.  And the harder that got, the more of a perceived gap between you she felt, the more likely she'd be abandoned, the more intense the abandonment terror, the more the tools kicked in, the more she projected her bad on you.  In the end you were awesome, she was complete crap, the skills she was using to off those feelings on you were driving you away, it looks like pure evil from the outside, although it's pure terror and chaos on the inside.

Just one man's hallucination, apply as needed.

Pure terror and chaos on her inside? I am sorry but to me it just doesn't seem that way. And from the other comment she just cares too much? To my perception this is not caring but just the most cruel thing one could do. Go from I love you to cutting off all contact and accusing you of having no skills with a women, ( we were making out before the new victim came over and for sex I am pretty positive), telling me because I caught her and called her back that I have problems and need to seek help? That she doesn't need bull___. What bull___? Me catching her lying and using me whilst screwing this new guy. So I am the bad guy and then no contact as if I caused her to do it. No, sorry but that is neither caring too much or having terror and chaos on the inside to me, that is just plain evily cruel as if out of some relationship horror movie. I just cannot compute it in my mind and especially my heart. I want to tell her I don't hate her and still wish her the best but I know I must just walk away and forget it and work on my life and finding someone who will appreciate my skills so to speak. But i had been done wrong in one relationship with a married woman who was a wack job drug addict before and thought that was bad, and now this is even worse with someone I considered a casual friend for years and fell for. Today has been especially hard. I hope tomorrow is better. Thanks for the advice but I dont think I will ever understand the behavior as either justified or in any way sane.

The only comment I can make is that to us nons the pwBPD appears evil in what they say or do. But you have to remember, they are not normal, they are extremely disordered, dysfunctional, shells of a human being. To them they are acting rationally. They think we're disordered, sick, insane, etc. do not try to look at this logically or you'll quickly go crazy. Take it from a guy that lived with one for 25+ years... .the disorder always eventually wins.

You are hurt and angry, which are totally appropriate responses to being abused, disrespected and devalued; I suffered much of the same, I understand, and I'm sorry you're going through that.

You can't understand it because you are trying to make rational sense of the behavior of someone with a mental illness; learning about the disorder will help make it clearer and depersonalize it, as in it has nothing to do with you, other than you were next in line.

Idealization and then devaluation is the cycle of the disorder, you were going to go through it regardless of who you are and what you did, the disorder is the disorder, and always wins.  The projection and impulsive behavior are just coping tools, defense mechanisms, to help a BPD sufferer deal with that internal chaos and terror, to deal with feelings that are too strong and they can't deal.  Remember, she's probably been at it a long, long time, and isn't aware of why she does what she does, only that it makes her feel a little better in the moment, and cannot connect with how it is making you feel, any more than a young child could, only that it works, and if she puts you in pain, she's sharing her pain with you.

The best you can do right now is take very could care of yourself, and learning about the disorder may help eliminate some of the confusion, but eventually it's best to focus on a bright future without her, and start taking steps in that direction, however long it takes.  Take care of you!

Again I appreciate what I know is good advice. However I feel I have read a great deal and researched this disorder and still cant understand it. To hurt someone who is trying to love you and doing you as good as they possibly can in the worst way imaginable, is a hard thing to forgive and understand. I hope one day I can because i actually intended well. But well has to be her choice and road to follow and I am the bad guy now in her eyes and will probably never know if she really finds peace. I hope so and me too. I don't hate her even after all the abuse. I cannot love and then turn to hate overnight. I feel hurt and angry and I am not going to continue taking the abuse but I don't hate her. God help her poor soul if this is all she can do in life to me or the next victim. I guess i really pity her but the sad thing is there is nothing left for me to do but walk away and forget. A hard pill to swallow that is. Thanks for the comments

What you have written is the truth.  It's a Disorder.  It's mental illness.  It's bat sh-t crazy.  And it's horrifically sad and destructive.  

The hardest thing to understand that there is nothing we can do.  Nothing that will help.  Nothing that will change anything that the Disorder wishes to comprehend in a manner that fits the Disorder.

We are absolutely powerless.

And the best thing we can do is detach and walk away.  

I does not make sense.  It is not right.  It is a tragic waste.  It is a horrible nightmare of an an existence.  

The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder needs to feed on others.  The Disorder always wins.  The only way not to lose is to leave as a victim to the Disorder.  

And we might just find that leaving was actually winning.  The only useless pain is the pain we don't use to grow, and once we process, detach and do that growth, we may just discover the whole experience was a gift in disguise, fuel for the creation of the life of our dreams.