BPDFamily.com

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I posted here.  I have recently resumed contact with my uBPD ex.  In the months she was out of my life, became much stronger and productive... .advanced at my job, moved to a wonderful apartment, was more creative and began to build a nicer physique.  It sounds like something out of a comedy perhaps how I ended up getting back in contact with my ex, but to be honest... .I started to show signs of an STD... .not a serious STD, but one that I found alarming enough to tell her I had contracted... .FROM HER because she was my last sexual partner.

One thing led to another, and now we are sleeping together again (with protection on my part)... .however I am enjoying daily bouts of borderline-isms.  Not to make light of it.  I won't commit to her now no matter how much she begs me for it.  I have no desire and I am open with her and let her know I am seeing (and potentially sleeping with) other people.  I feel very strong... .and somehow... .

This has turned me into a bit of a bully. And that's what I wanted to talk about with you guys.  I have a lot of anger toward my ex for many things.  Even recent things.  I do have love for her, but it's very tainted and I find myself being very mean and blunt and out of character.  I am usually very gentle and sensitive to people's feelings. It's one of the reasons I was taken advantage of by my uBPD ex.  I was literally spit out and left for dead by this person... .if we are talking about emotional abuse and misuse, she basically paralyzed me not that long ago.

I don't want to be a bully... .It happens when she says something truly astonishingly reckless and designed to hurt me and then instead of me being hurt or walking away, I am able now to top whatever she says and does and I simply don't care anymore.  It's a senseless battle and its only destructive, but that's where I am at.  I hate admitting this.  I never wanted to be doing this with someone I truly loved, and may honestly not be loving anymore.  I am afraid to not love someone I once thought was the only person I would ever marry.  But she has hurt me too bad.

In other ways, I am frankly happy to be this strong and have the chance to not get sucked in again by her borderline behavior.  I try very hard to recognize the symptoms.  What I don't understand is why I haven't fully walked away.

Hi JohnTurn,

Sorry to read about your struggles, and your STD. That can't be nice.

Not sure if the staying board is the best place to ask. I guess people at Undecided or Leaving are more experienced in detachment. When I read your story I see a lot of (now surfaced, recognized) resentment. It also reminds me of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, and moving into a persecutor role. Perhaps that article will make you understand the dynamics?

Best of luck... I can imagine it is hard to stay away. I commend you for recognizing your own unhealthy behviour, it's good you're reaching out here for help.  |iiii