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Title: I need to vent Post by: ziniztar on July 28, 2014, 12:49:50 PM This week my d(d!d!d!)BPDbf's mom slipped into the conversation that she really didn't understand what we (me, his siblings, himself) are all after. That she feels like we're all searching for hapiness but that life simply sometimes is difficult. That the reason all her children have been in therapy before age 25 because they grew up in a toxic environment is some form of 'overreacting'. She even mentioned (and this infuriates me) that my situation (dying mom at age 5) was a lot worse than her son's and that after 1,5 years of therapy 'at some point it is enough'. When I reminded her of the bullying & beating he has endured during elementary and high school she paused and said 'Oh yeah. Yeah. Ok. That was bad.' This is the same person who has mentioned to me that the diagnosis did not give any additional value to her as she loved her son the way he is and that they wouldn't change anything in their approach towards him because of it.
On other occasions she turns a normal conversation towards her unability to cope with my bf and how she has been doubting her own parenting style - probably hoping someone to tell her "you've done a great job, don't worry about it". Well every time she says this it is afwfully silent. I know that exactly this (not taking the diagnosis seriously, not taking his feelings seriously, sending out a signal that he is overreacting) hurts my bf to the bone. I find it so incredibly ignorant that we have all the knowledge and support at our disposal, that he is doing his outmost best to heal from this and that they're so unwilling to just read a damn book about the disorder and understand what has tormented their family for such a long time. The solution is so simple yet they refuse to see anything outisde their picture perfect world. It's heartbreaking to see and I wish I could help them but I won't. I know that my dBPDbf could (and sometimes does) say the same things and feel the same type of resentment towards my father. I know this has resentment and non-acceptance written all over the place but I just really needed to vent. :'( Title: Re: I need to vent Post by: 123Phoebe on July 28, 2014, 01:23:28 PM Vent away, ziniztar! Sometimes things seem just so outrageous it's like... .sheesh whatever!
I give you credit for even discussing these things with his mother; I wouldn't go there with my guy's mom. They are in deep denial about anything a little off; if it makes them fake-happy-close and able to carry on relations then so be it, is my philosophy. There are times that he'll do something and it makes me wonder if he's reenacting a situation that 'mom' reacted badly to, but I set the thought aside and respond with what feels comfortable to me. I'm not touching their dynamics with a 10-foot pole. He's taught me the art of compartmentalization Your bf's mom sounds a lot like my mom. She takes issue with most everyone's issues, thinks they're daft, but they should just get over it and no way does she believe she has contributed to any of it. I'm not going to change her. I feel for your bf; it's a long road realizing that your mom doesn't have your best interest at heart, that she can't give that love away freely. Recovery can take a while. No advice really, I can relate though |