BPDFamily.com

Hi, I just joined today and I'm really happy I found this place. I have been divorced from my BPD ex for 6 months now but I feel like i'm still very much entangled in a relationship with him.

I am really struggling to detach myself from him. I was married to him for 10 years and we split up multiple times throughout that time. Every time we split up he had girfriends but eventually kept running back to me. And I would take him back being still madly in love with him and having this romantic notion of us being soul mates and so on. As time progressed our relationship started deteriorating more and more. His fits became unbearable and our fights became worse as I aquired some dirty fighting tactics that I observed in him. I did not like who I was becoming with him but I did not consider divorce until he started cheating on me again and not coming home at night. Even after i found about his affair I was dreading dointg anythign to end the marriage because I was afraid of what he might do.  I finally filed for divorce and went through hell with his reaction. But it all stabilized, he found a new girlfried to take advantage of and move in with as he did not have a job to live on his owne.  The divorce was final in December of 2013 but I feel like I'm very much entangled with him. For a long time he kept begging me to take him back and when I asked him to prove himself to me, he would turn it around and said "You are the one that divorced me" or "You are the one that broke up our family". Sometimes when he would ask me to take him back I questioned my decision and wanted to take him back just so i dont have to deal with him asking me back. But deep down in  my gut was telling me that I have to stay away from him, that we are over. I wish I could just cut all my ties with him, but we have a 10-yeard old daughter which makes it so much harder. He has a girlfriend he is living with but he continues to ask me to take him back and continues to initiate discussion about us and where we went wrong and how I never wanted to understand him or help him.  In fact, the best case scenario for him would be for me to take him back AND let him be with his girlfriend too. He even asked me if I would be interested in a sister wives scenario. I have really hard time setting boundaries with him. When I tell him he should contact me about our daughter only he does anything he can to provoke me to more discussion about us. I'm looking for some advice, tips, information to help me set boundaries and finally be able to say I have moved on. My emotions are still very sensitive about him and I feel like sometimes I give him ammunition to manipulate me and strong me back in. I also struggle with doubts regarding my decision as he make it sometimes seem like it's all my fault that i never gave us a chance.

Hi newlife-

You would probably agree that you are still somewhat emotionally enmeshed with him, and the first step is to disconnect as much as possible, which can be the easy part, since your processing, healing and growth will happen after that.  I didn't have kids with my ex so the disconnect was easy, but the detachment, all in my head, took a long time, but was a profound period of growth, to the point that I not only don't regret the relationship, I now consider it a gift.

There are lots of resources on this site for folks who have kids with a borderline, lots of parents here, and a divorce and custody board, so you are not alone and there's lots of wisdom available.  The very best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself really well, and start talking to us instead of him, and your focus will surely shift.  Take care of you!