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This is very sad.  I thought I had hope with my BPD/alcoholic sister.   I was very hopeful after she finished the treatment center.   

Today I got a stream of the most awful nasty texts I have ever gotten.    As I was reading them my hands were shaking.   I felt awful.  I realized that she wants to make me feel bad.  Wants to blame me for her problems.  Wants to hate me.

She took a comment my dad said to her... .basically the comment was about a FACEBOOK post she put out with her criminal boyfriend on it.   My cousin texted me about the picture and I called my dad.  I told my dad this guy who is a "enabler" with the alcohol and pills is at her house on a Saturday night and I am really worried.  This same guy she has been complaining about and telling me awful things about including police chasing him threw woods and his dummying up a phony legal document using a local attorney's fake letterhead.   

My dad called her today and told her that my cousin texted me about this facebook pic and SHE HIT THE ROOF.   The idea that my cousin and I are talking she can't stand.  Even if it is a text.  That confirmation sent her into a barrage of horrible mean texts to me.  She defriends me, my husband and my cousin and young daughter.      Then tells me I am doing a smear campaign against her.  She stopped texting for a while but continued on after she her x husband who is scared ___less of her admitted to a text I sent him about concern about this alcoholic criminal being at her house on a Saturday night.  I told him I was worried about him being around & her x husband has been thru hell with her and admitted to me she is unstable and he is afraid of her and that this guy is a nightmare and doesn't want him around.   So I guess I lost on this one big.  Never should have said a thing that I was worried to her x husband.   That turned on me too.

She posts on facebook "at the hospital" and "pics of Dave" and she totally was poking for something.    It was a reach - but she succeeded in picking a fight with me that I would not participate in... .but finally I texted her that she needs help.  That I have done no wrong.  That she is mentally ill.   She responded by personally insulting me and abusively talking to me... .picking on my weak spots. or trying to.

She is not going to talk to me anyway so why the hell not.   I am done.   I am finished.   I honestly have to be rid of her.    This was on a scale of 1 to 10 the most abuse I have ever ever heard.

My sister's goal is to hurt me.   That's it.     

oops... .I didn't realize the word I used would say "pornographic".  I used the Sh** word.

sorry... .

So sorry to hear about this abusive approach. Well out of order. You've clearly done nothing to warrent that. She's just projecting her anger onto you. Not suprised you used some explitives (entirly approriate given the context). Sometimes No Contact is the only way. Your sis will find someone else to project her hate onto, doesn't need to be you. Best of Luck  |iiii

Hi there - so sorry to read your post.  Verbal abuse was the big thing my sister was into and its just horrible.  She used to send me nasty letters, and I would dread the post coming, seeing the letters on the doormat, her awful scrawly writing, knowing it would be more abuse, but having to open them and read them, just in case there was anything I needed to know (as we are still sorting out my late Mum's estate).  She used to also send me nasty texts, usually early in the morning which would ruin my day.  Once I went virtually NC things did calm down, my lack of response finally stopped her bothering me for the most part.  Now - when I do get the odd nasty text, I just ignore them, and for a lot of the time I am able to forget about it all because it's not part of my day to day life anymore.  I just felt like I was going mad when it was at its height.  So NC is the way to go - don't hesitate - you deserve to be well and happy, and suffering this abuse doesn't help anyone anyway.  So - good decision - well done - hope things feel a lot better soon.  JB

Thank you Linda and Chappy,

Well I was frazzled when I wrote my post.   I managed to calm myself today.

My sister has made her choice.  The theme with her that stands out is "I am alone".  It makes no sense as she chose to divorce her husband although he is incredibly supportive.  She has the boyfriend mowing the lawn and helping. My dad over there helping almost daily or checking in.   She has two kids.  Her x in-laws having her over time to time.  Everyone walking on eggshells around her.   afraid!    How is she alone?  She has a hell of a lot more support and family around her trying to help.   Much more than me.   That has to be the illness.    Paranoia too.   Conspiracy thinking we are all out to get her.     She does not want me to talk to her x husband at all... .and for years I never have.    When she was hospitalized she made him her sole contact to us.  We had to go thru him.  He gave me an earful.   Admitted he has to be careful what he says or she will turn on him.  Admitted that when she is with her parents she drinks all their booze and won't get up the next day.  That his parents feel stuck with her.    So these people are helping her because of the kids.   They know she is mentally ill but afraid to do anything.   I feel the same way.  I am the target of her anger so I can't even go there.  Well I cut my losses with the nasty texts yesterday and put it out there.  She IS mentally ill and told her that.   Told her she is paranoid and needs help.

AMEN!

So sorry to here about her abuse.  My sister is exactly the same.  I went NC 3 years ago and I really thought she would notice.  Apart from an initial flurry of attempts to drag me into her drama, I ignored them and because I didn't feed her drama, she stopped.  I wasn't a feeder any more, I was not an audience member and the stuff stopped.  Weird, that actually she doesn't really feel emotions like I do.  I felt such guilt that if she did kill herself how would I feel?  But I made my peace that I tried my best, and if she does then I would attend her funeral with love and it wasn't my fault she was be a troubled soul and she is now at peace.

It's almost as if, if I am not in contact she doesn't understand I have a whole life that she isn't part of.  I don't exist for her, unless I see her at family events.

It's hard, but surreal to put your boundary in and NC does really work.  Stay strong, stay out of it.  It's so hard cos we thing we can help or fix but we are helpless

Well done funfunctional!  I know how hard it is to think that she is mentally ill - you are much braver than I am - I haven't dared tell my uBPDsis I think she has this - I just said we should keep the communications to business matters only (i.e. my Mum's estate) as she doesn't seem capable of communicating with me without making abusive personal attacks for absolutely no reason.  Stick to your guns - you will feel a lot better as you gradually "let go" of constantly thinking about it.  Well done!  JB

Sounds like my sister. Over the years, I think she has developed some BPD traits. I have been the family's scapegoat for soo long that she is now blaming me for her problems as well. Recently, she visited us, and she was visibly mad/upset, and my mother blamed me for her distress suggesting maybe I upset her in the past. Prior to her visit, I had no argument or falling out with my sister at all. It's not my fault that she is unhappy with her life, her weight or her marriage.

Not your fault, not anyone's.  Protect yourself, stay true.  Keep sane during the crazy times.  Stay to facts, your feelings are your own.  You are allowed to feel what you feel x

Thank you Leelou, kharma, linda maria, HappyChap,

I am saying TGIF.   I need my Friday and some down time to myself after work.  Kids are off Friday night with their dad.

I am keeping this craziness out of my kids life.  I am trying like "he@@" to build a bigger friend network here.  My kids have done well.

What it comes down to is those darn over rated holidays!     That's when I feel the loss the most.  I am glad it is summer!

Appreciate the support... .

I have to say that I can relate to your sister's attacks and more importantly to the devastating feeling that comes with it.  I am sorry this is happening to you, but I agree with and really appreciate hearing everyone's response to your post.  Going NC for me has lessened the attacks, so much so that when my uBPDsis does send me things, I can usually read them and get over it.  I think most people, like me, still get those letters/emails/texts that are awful to read, but NC makes it so they can't see your response and don't see what it does to you, so they stop doing it as often.

Hi, funfunctional,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your sister. It never feels good to have someone say mean or abusive things to you. It sounds like you are able to recognize at least that it is part of her disorder and does not reflect the truth about who you are.

Do you feel it is your responsibility to monitor your sister's relationships and keep her from relapsing? What were you hoping to accomplish by talking to your father, your cousin, her ex husband about her relationship choices? I ask because we can't change other people's issues, but we can work on our own. Do you see your role in Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0)?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Hi funfunctional,

I agree with what everyone has said here. And I can also totally relate to the abuse from a sister via text, etc. Someone once asked me, if a mentally ill person abused you on the street, would you let it bother you? I replied that of course it wouldn't. Now, I know that having a sister changes the scenario, but on some level, you do still need to look at the texts and see it is coming from a mentally ill person and discard it. I know this is hard, but it will get easier over time. I agree with what everyone has said here - if you ignore their tantrums, a BPD family member will initially ramp it up, but if you keep ignoring their tantrums, they will stop. If you don't give the fire any oxygen, it will extinguish itself.

My sister has repeatedly threatened to commit suicide as my parents asked her to move out (she is 42 years old, not a child!). My parents finally had enough and could not cope, they were at breaking point, so they asked her to leave. After my parents somehow came to peace with the fact that they could not stop her from killing herself if she wanted to (after a very long road of heartbreak and stress), they pretty much said that it was her life and she still had to move out. Funnily enough, as soon as she realised that her suicide threats no longer had any currency, she stopped. She then tried other tactics (being nice for a day and saying she had no money, etc). Now, I know that some BPD people do commit suicide so I am not recommending this for everyone suffering with a BPD family member, but I do know that once my parents called her bluff, she stopped with that approach because it was no longer working. I find with my sister that she tries different manipulation tactics to see which ones work.

Another piece of advice I can offer is to try and see the humour in her barage of abuse. I know this sounds crazy, but I got sick of crying every day, so I tried to take a different approach and you know what they say, you have to either laugh or cry sometimes. I also have a non-BPD sibling and we sometimes try and find light relief when our BPD sister starts her tactics. For example, we will predict what tactic she will use and then see who was right. Sometimes we will try and predict how long it will be before she reinstates contact after saying "you are no longer my sister", etc. The point is not to take her abuse seriously as it has no roots in logic.

I hope this helps.

Hi,

Her x husband needs to step up and care for their two young kids.  They are going thru awful stuff and that was my reason for telling him about her boyfriend moving back in.  I have watched in the last 2 years the drunk episodes and the youngest sob becuz his mom couldn't stand up.   My kids only know her drunk.   The boyfriend and her are co-dependant addicts and knowing he is back living there is scary.   911 calls... .police visits... .police chases... .drama... .suicide threats... .drunk calls 2:00am saying bf is pushing her... .etc. 

As far as my cousin.  She is part of MY support system to deal with all this.   She is also a lawyer and responsible for my aunt that is ill which is why I connect with her.   Cousin communicated to me about seeing on facebook the pic and I should have never let it slip to my dad that my cousin was the one who saw the picture.  My dad has a BIG MOUTH.    Any mention of many family members and my sister goes nuts.  She hates many many people in the family.

As soon as she knew that there was any connection between my cousin and I speaking about a pic of her returned boyfriend she went NUTS.  My father had to leave the house with her screaming.   It was an episode of rage.

Now having said all that:    Nope... .wish I didn't say a darn thing!  I accomplished nothing.    I guess the kids will have to suffer and she may have to die as I am helpless in this situation and clearly my voice resented and angered her.

I told her that this man is a bad bad person and doesn't belong there.  I told her that she is mentally ill and paranoid and she needs help.

So I do nothing now and that is a painful thing to let go of... .but i have to.   I am sure my comments are good for at least 3 months or more of not hearing from her.  I am on vacatio now.My dad and I fully expect a call from the hospital and hopefully she will be alive.   amen

It is definitely hard when there are kids involved. I'm sorry things are so rough for them.  :'( It sounds like the authorities are aware things aren't good. They may be the only ones in a position to really help right now, though I believe love and prayers even from a distance can still make a difference. It is good they have people in their lives who care about them.

Thank you Spots!

Appreciate you reading and listening and responding.

Humour is a good thing! I am working on that. 

|iiii

Thanks PF Change,

Kids need a lot of prayers!   

A lot!

Appreciate the help.   Will stop trying now!   Clearly she has surrounded herself with a muddle of disfunction and that is what I see as the biggest problem.  Not only is she a mess but her x husband is in over his head... .and she apparently went ballistic on her x motherinlaw as her x motherinlaw has been so kind to her and she ripped into her.   That led to the 911 call to get her out of the house.

Tough stuff going on!