BPDFamily.com

Ok,

I tried about 2 months ago to lay everything on the table and fix my relationship with BPB exgf.  She semi acknowledged that she had BPD.  Everything else, went hot and cold and did baby voice and rage voice the whole 9 yards.

At the end of it all it was too much.  I love this person that is abusing me so I told her I tried but it was her that was abandoning me.  I wasnt walking away she made that choice.  

Now since then she has had major shame face and I actually feel bad.  I want to tell her its ok blah blah blah.  Make her feel better somehow.  

Why do I care?  Seriously.  Why ?

How can I help without engaging.  I can see the pain and its excruciating.  

I don't think you can help.  That's the thing... .

Do you feel like you would take her back? If your not done and your not sure I would advise to post on the undecided board.

The only gift of value that I give to my ex is... .NC.

Because any interaction will be skewed by the Disorder.  Especially any enabling, comforting, or rescuing.

I can only hope that somehow she manages on her own to become self aware.  The Disorder is an attachment Disorder and therefore needs people to feed on.

It sucks but the truth is:

The Disorder Always Wins.

as 2010 said the best gift you can give to your exBPD is to leave her alone and let go.

We had a whole debate on this topic a few weeks back that was illuminating, on a thread Corraline started. To recap what I said there, I think it is too easy to rationalize that NC and disengagement is better for the person wBPD. Why not just make the case that it is better for oneself/us? Is it our helped tendencies that require us to think the we're doing it "for" them, too?

How paternalistic would we find it if our pwBPD told us they were leaving us for our own good? Mine did. I found it devastating disempowering and infuriating.

The idea seems to be that if we don't engage with them they will ... .Engage with no one and thus their attachment disorder will have no one to play off of? But that is so very unlikely for most of our exes. They don't have no one. They get another person who knows less.  They are aided and abetted in staying stuck in a dysfunctional coping cycle.  Just not with us. Which may be great for us. But how does it help the pwBPD if it is unreasonable to expect that they will "hit bottom?" Because they can and will just get someone else?

I find it infuriating how no matter your intentions it is viewed that your evil.  This woman will be the death of me if I keep trying.  I don't want to die... .  simple. 

This is the same realization I myself came to.  The withdrawals are excruciating. When you are ready accept defeat and survive.

When my r/s ended it quickly became, once and for all, every person for their self.  I had said and expressed all there was, and she was obviously in another reality. It was going to get worse if we continued doing anything together, so it's been "It's good for me NC". Gradual acceptance. I turned away and faced it, both. Best choice. Didn't do it for her, though. It's for me. I love her, tried to leave without hurting her, but she had her walls up/arrows flying all along. The amount of overall truth, from her side, is questionable.

Honestly, when I laid it on the table, giving it that one last chance, I was trying to keep her hooked, too. Part of me wanted her to feel ashamed, apologize, and change. To prove her love for ME. I tried to challenge BPD, her ghosts and her patterns. It didn't work, and it's been a relief in many ways. I'm still unwinding from the tensions of how intense it was. Still letting go.

There was nothing I could do to wake her up, or help her, when she resisted it so fiercely. We care because we care. That's alright.

I've learned it is less about their thought process... .that's a loser' bet.  It's about rebuilding my thought processes.  These boards can be very helpful in that regard.


What I can do, is do it for me... .do it for my future.  The caregiver, the rescuer, the lover, the healer, the taking it the high road, the let's still have sex, the user and abuser in me... .were hooks.  They were hooks that kept me hooked.  The opportunity to begin again... .start all over... .alone... .yet in tact... .have a fresh start... .means my relationship with me begins to improve, my self-care, my tender kindness, my discipline it goes to my recovery.  I need to spend less time in the past, as a mildly haunted ghost and befriend myself with honor, dignity, grace from my best most heart-felt future self... .one day, one moment, one week at a time.  Talk is cheap.  My wounds are severe enough to see the wisdom, utility, and pragmatism of letting go in order to heal and take a shot at full recovery.

Ausie jj

These bonds are so deep that I am not even able to yet explain it to someone.

But each layer I work through releasing I find a new hook a new layer of the bond and I find myself once again bargaining in some kind of way.  It's all apart of the process.  The deeper you bonded the more layers you will have to work through.