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My father feels that my existence makes him feel bad. This is scary and quite disheartening. He feels that I have done nothing with my life and he is ashamed of me. All of my life he has put me down, and sabotaged my future (lying, telling relatives I am crazy, discouraged me from going to college, jealousy etc). So why is he upset that I didn't meet his expectations when he wanted me to fail from the get go? I am having a very hard time healing from this and woke up depressed this morning thinking about it

I am so sorry, kharma, that you had to hear such words from anyone. To hear something like that from a parent is beyond the beyond. Your father must be a very unhappy, very ill, or very hurtful man.

I hope that you believe me when I write that what he says is a statement about him NOT about you. HE feels bad about HIS existence, so he projects his perceptions onto you. You are your own person, and your existence matters and is important.

You are a good and caring person who deserves to be treated with dignity, love, and respect. Love and care for yourself. You are worth it.

blessings,

Pilate

Your post helped ease the immense pain I'm going through right  now.

Im in a bad financial rut because I have a job making minimum wage, and to my father, this means that I'm a lazy bum who cannot better myself. He constantly ridicules me as if being poor is a crime. I am TRYING my hardest to better myself but when you have someone who continues to degrade you its really hard. Even when I was in nursing school he kept harassing me and saying that I was a bum who didnt' have a job. The harder I try the more he insults me

I am so sorry kharma, I am not sure if this is your situation also, but I have experienced something similar (yet on a much smaller scale).

Let me try to explain, hopefully it can shed some light on your situation:

Basically, both of my parents felt insecure (in spite of their extensive education). Life in our home was a constant competition. They felt the need to put us kids and each other down to feel better about themselves. Yet, they expected us to excel and nothing was ever good enough. They expected us to be beyond exceptional, so they could be proud of us, but also hated any real excellence, because it competed with their own... .

I know - crazy, impossible contradiction. 

Needless to say, my older brother, who's IQ is in the genius range is also uBPD, and socially not really functional. In spite of his smarts, he didn't finish university. He is doing ok, and considering his handicaps, he's actually doing really good.

Me, I'm the younger one, got half-way through a PhD., and then dropped out of it. After I met my husband, I moved far away. I now live happily ever-after. Low- paying job, way below the expected living standard of an "educated" person, but at peace and happy.

Bottom line - you are a valuable person, kharma! And I want to say - to be diligently and responsibly working a minimum wage job - that shows the strength of your character: many people in your shoes would be discouraged, give up, and looking for handouts.