Title: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: byfaith on July 31, 2014, 02:45:27 PM At the end of the session after I had given him a snapshot of what is going on in the relationship with my uBPDw. He asked me what is it that he can do to help me? I said well I could give you a long list of wonderful things about my wife and I could give you a long list of things that my wife does that are destructive to our relationship. I said probably I need to work on why I am the way I am and why have I let things get to this point. So it ended with agreeing to discuss boundaries that I need to set.
Now begins the hard part. I discussed with my wife last night about something that hurt her feelings. I did not invalidate her feelings, although I did tell her how I felt about it. Of course I was the one who was wrong (in her mind) and tried very hard not to say I was sorry. I told her I was sorry that I hurt her feelings. I must have said at one point in the conversation that I was not allowed to express my feelings. Later she said no one told you you could not express how you feel. When I do express how I feel I get hammered. Today I would like to express how I feel about something to her. For almost a year and 1/2 there have been no intimate expressions of love given to me. I want to begin asking questions like why can you tell your 30 yr old son "I love you" but you can't say that to me. Why can you text your son "I love you" but you cant text me. why is it that you used to show me the affection I wanted and more and now it's basically nothing. In the span of 2 months I looked at my texts and she sent me a text saying "I know you may not feel like it but I do love you. I'm just weird" She used to tell me I love you all the time. I can't keep this lack of affection bottled up in me. I guess I have to begin some place. My question is would this be a place to begin expressing my feelings? KNOWING that the response will be met with her switching it all back on me Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: empath on July 31, 2014, 05:06:37 PM A bit of advice... .
"Why" questions usually make a person defensive, even with people who are not 'extra sensitive' to emotional feelings. If you want to express your feelings, make sure that they are actually feelings that you are expressing (sad, frustration, angry, happy or variations of those) and not judgments that you are making -- those sometimes come out in "I feel that... ." statements. So something like "I feel disregarded/left out/etc." or "I miss the affection... " Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: MaybeSo on July 31, 2014, 05:45:36 PM Couldn't agree more with empaths comments above.
Why questions, especially when asked about complicated relatioship dynamics... .are almost always met with a negative response. Not just with pwBPD. They are LOADED questions. WHY is what a litigator leads with in a courtroom... .it has the tendency to make people feel on trial. Most of the stupid stuff we do in relationships ... .we do for unconscious, complex reasons that are not available to our immediate awareness... .for example, lack of intimacy/closeness when it use to be different, that happens in a lot of r/s's... .most folks actually don't REALLY know why that happens... .why they felt close or enjoyed intimacy with a person and now they don't... .? and... if a person actually has BPD... .they are even LESS likely to have awareness of WHY they do what they do inside of a relationship... .so when asked WHY... .they feel scared and attacked and so they try to come up with plausible answers... . the plausible answers almost ALWAYS move to an explanation that externalizes the reason... .meaning... .it's because of YOU! So... .when you ask WHY... .you are inviting this person to speculate about why they do totally odd things inside of a r/s... .and they are going to point to YOU or something outside of themselves as the reason... .because that at least makes some sense and can be pointed to... .so that's where it will go. And that sucks... .we don't like feeling blamed for everything, understandably. My suggestion? You could share how you feel about these things instead of asking WHY this person is or isn't doing something. This has a different feel... .you are taking more ownership of your own feeling state. "I notice I feel really sad, lonely etc... .when we are not as close as we use to be... ." you could also ask if they feel that way, too... .or how they feel about it, in general... .being curious, or exploring... .feels much different than asking WHY? or you could query it in terms of a 'we' reflection... .instead of putting all the onus on your partner... . "I think we were happier as a couple when we were more intimate... .I would like to work together on improving our closeness as a couple again... ." etc. This is not a quick fix in that the response will be perfectly delightful and thoughtful just b/c you avoid using the word 'why'... .but those WHY questions almost guarantee a bad result... .so I think you will notice a difference if you stay away from it. Some times we do just want to ask WHY WHY WHY?... .that may be more in the lines of needing to vent... .If you just need to vent... .come here... .or vent with a friend... .or with your therapist... . There are many very accurate and insightful explanations that attachment theory and trauma studies can provide regarding WHY people behave this way in close relationships. Sometimes we have to read up on the science behind human behavior to get a grasp of our relationship dynamics. It certainly helps us to not take it so personally when we see symptoms that are common with many people, not just us. Most of the time, our partners are really the least equipped person to give us a satisfactory, insightful answer about why they do things. |iiii Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: formflier on July 31, 2014, 06:32:48 PM A bit of advice... . "Why" questions usually make a person defensive, even with people who are not 'extra sensitive' to emotional feelings. If you want to express your feelings, make sure that they are actually feelings that you are expressing (sad, frustration, angry, happy or variations of those) and not judgments that you are making -- those sometimes come out in "I feel that... ." statements. So something like "I feel disregarded/left out/etc." or "I miss the affection... " I like to use "help me understand... ."... .and make sure it is in a nice even voice So far seems to be working pretty well Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: bpbreakout on July 31, 2014, 10:44:13 PM BPDw often uses the word "why" with me. It makes me feel as if I owe her some sort of justification for whatever it is she is asking me about & immediately starts to get my back up as I feel as if the conversation is going to lead to me being provide incorrect in some way. I used to fall into the justification trap which would then lead to me being invalidated which me feel worse but not any more.
The situation with your son is obviously very difficult for you (I know I would feel unhappy in your position). It's a very valid thing to raise in therapy but (especially with pwBPD) maybe better to another outlet for any understable pent up frustration at the lack of affection. Good luck Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: formflier on August 01, 2014, 05:55:14 AM BPDw often uses the word "why" with me. It makes me feel as if I owe her some sort of justification for whatever it is she is asking me about & immediately starts to get my back up as I feel as if the conversation is going to lead to me being provide incorrect in some way. I used to fall into the justification trap which would then lead to me being invalidated which me feel worse but not any more. The situation with your son is obviously very difficult for you (I know I would feel unhappy in your position). It's a very valid thing to raise in therapy but (especially with pwBPD) maybe better to another outlet for any understable pent up frustration at the lack of affection. Good luck Can you suggest another outlet that would be better? One other thought is to bring it up in counseling in really small doses... .and pin your expectations on the pwBPD doing something really small. I say this because I'm an "action" guy... .I like to be told things... .but then I like them to come true. So... .when I modified my requests to be very minor adjustments of behavior from my uBPDw... .and she actually got them done... .it felt wonderful. I was so happy. That allowed me to let go of some resentment and do some things she wanted... .and honestly be happy about it. She picked up on that... .and was able to modify some behavior more to my liking... .which allowed me to be happy about making more changes she wanted... . All of a sudden the toxic dance that we were doing... .the spiral going down into more resentment and accusations... .has turned into a dance that I really enjoy dancing. Please note: pwBPD are usually really tuned in to others emotions. Trying to fake emotions around them is pretty dangerous... you'll get called out quick. That's why me truely being happy to make changes was very important. Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: byfaith on August 01, 2014, 07:34:28 AM :)
Thank you for everyone's advice. I read all the replies. I will give some additional feedback sometime today. The only time I have to get on here is when I have breaks during my workday. So thank you for taking the time to respond. I was ready to give up but I know that's not the right thing to to for me or my wife. Title: Re: started counseling today... now I have a question Post by: formflier on August 01, 2014, 01:11:08 PM :) Thank you for everyone's advice. I read all the replies. I will give some additional feedback sometime today. The only time I have to get on here is when I have breaks during my workday. So thank you for taking the time to respond. I was ready to give up but I know that's not the right thing to to for me or my wife. I'm glad you are making an effort. I think that giving it time... .and working hard to implement the tools that you will learn on this site are going to make a big improvement for you. Hang in there! |