|
Title: Other DD Post by: lever. on July 31, 2014, 02:53:26 PM I'm struggling a little with how to make my non-BPD DD feel valued and supported whilst maintaining a relationship with DDwithBPD.
For those of you newer to this site there was a major falling out at Christmas when DD1(with BPD) read her sister's e-mail to check if she had been in touch with a friend DD1 had fallen out with(long story). DD2 had previously had a broken engagement(she is now married) and DD1 searched through e-mail for anything relating to this, all on the search history. DD1 has previously found her sister on a site similar to this and copied all her posts to DD2's best friend and the ex-fiancé, which caused a lot of embarrassment to DD2. (Hope you are still with me-this is complicated and I'm trying to keep it short). Anyway DD2 was very upset about the invasion of privacy,( she knew about it because DD1 confronted her) and said that she could not spend Christmas with her sister. This all happened the day before Christmas Eve-both DDs, their husbands and DD1's children were staying in a holiday cottage we had rented for them and were due to have Christmas dinner with us. The eventual outcome was that DD1 and her family had to go home as my DH felt she was very much the one in the wrong- and I had to agree with him. It took months for me to re-establish contact with DD1 and the grandchildren and, as you will see from my other posts they visited for the past week and it went relatively well. I have spoken to other DD on the phone and, although she has not said anything directly I can tell that she feels we have brushed everything under the carpet. DDs are still no contact with each other. There is a very long history of DD1 interfering in her sister's life in a negative way and I fully understand why DD2 is upset. In addition DD2 is trying for a baby without success for a year now and DD1 has had 3 children in quick succesion. DD1 has not acknowledged in any way that she has made a mistake and thinks the whole argument is mine and her sister's fault. DD2 is upset not to be seeing her nephew and neice but feels she is better not seeing her sister. Any suggestions how I can talk to DD2, perhaps a SET or something. Having to condense this may have diluted how intrusive and controlling DD1 has been towards her sister over a long period. Thanks for your thoughts on this. DD2 is not BPD, she is a teacher with a stable life-but she does have the traits of being emotionally sesitive and a little volatile. Title: Re: Other DD Post by: tristesse on July 31, 2014, 04:05:03 PM wow Lever, this is quite tough, and sad.
as a mother I understand the need to have a cohesive family. I don't have any wise words to share with you, but I really wish I did. I would tread lightly right now, you don't want your BPDD to go NC again. I say let it lie for now and see if you can build the trust back up with both dds before trying any tools or techniques. I wish you well Title: Re: Other DD Post by: HealingSpirit on July 31, 2014, 05:05:03 PM Dear Lever,
Oh my, this is such a difficult situation. I know there is an article about "triangulation" somewhere on this site. I would start off by finding it and re-reading that so you are aware of the nuances of the tricky dynamic. You poor thing! Such a tight spot to be in. Any suggestions how I can talk to DD2, perhaps a SET or something. I do think you're on the right track with S.E.T. Validating and listening without trying to solve their problems works for just about everyone, doesn't it? If you were DD2, what do you think YOU would want to hear your mother tell you about this situation? I also think it helps to be very open to your DD2 about your feelings. Let her know you're hurting too. Excerpt I have spoken to other DD on the phone and, although she has not said anything directly I can tell that she feels we have brushed everything under the carpet. How do you think she would respond if you just came right out and asked her if she thinks this? How would she respond if you said something like, "After all the recent events, I am afraid you might be feeling like we're trying to brush this situation under the carpet. I love you and I want to validate that you have a right to be upset. And we are not going to pretend it never happened. I also support you in whatever you need to do to process through your hurt feelings. I want you to be happy." Lever, please let us know how this goes. I'm so sorry you're caught in the middle. Title: Re: Other DD Post by: HealingSpirit on July 31, 2014, 05:10:37 PM I found it!
Site Director, Skip posted this... . Excerpt Triangulation is an often misunderstood term on this site. Triangulation as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing tension will naturally involve a third party to reduce tension” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002). Simply put, when a two-person relationship becomes unstable the individuals will tolerate only a small amount of tension before they involve a third person. The resulting triangle can hold much more tension because the tension can shift around the three relationships. Bowen's observations are incredible. We all do this. Triangles often help us cope. Sometimes, however, triangulation can cause more turmoil in the relationship, causing further communication difficulties and conflict. According to Bowen''s Theory, a triangle creates an ‘odd man out,’ which is a very difficult position for individuals to tolerate. Anxiety generated by anticipating or being the odd one out is a huge force in triangles. In calm periods, two people become comfortably close "insiders" and the third person is an uncomfortable "outsider." If tensions increase, insiders more actively exclude the outsider and/or the outsider may work to get closer to one of the insiders. If the tension is too much for one triangle to contain, it spreads to a series of "interlocking" triangles. A classic example of triangulation is a mother telling her son that his father is treating her badly, rather than facing her husband directly and resolving the conflict. And while this may initially solve the mothers anxiety, the triangulation may create issues in the relationship between the son and the father where the mother takes sides - in effect, there are now two conflicts being triangulated among the parties. According to Bowen, these three part relationships (triangles) have at least four possible outcomes which are as follows - 2 are good and 2 are bad: (1) A stable pair can become destabilized by a third person; (2) a stable pair can also be destabilized by the removal of the third person (an example would be a child leaving home and no longer available for triangulation); (3) an unstable pair can be stabilized by the addition of a third person (an example would be a conflictual marriage becoming more harmonious after the birth of a child; and (4) an unstable pair being stabilized by the removal of a third person (an example would be conflict is reduced by the removal of a third person who takes sides). The triangulation concept is one of eight parts of Bowen's family systems theory: www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html. Bowen's point is that triangulation is occurring all the time - we are all involved in triangles - some good, some bad. Getting Out For the purpose of conflict resolution, it's helpful to understand triangulation and to avoid it. Generally speaking, the first step for getting out of the triangle once you are in it is to identify the original source of the tension or problem and deal with it and not get all caught up the additional issues created by the triangulation. The way to avoid creating triangles is to be self aware and not be lured by the immediate gratification that they offer. The Karpman Triangle further explained the conflict dynamics that can develop in triangulations. Karpman identified that polarized roles of the participants emerge as one person assumes the role of victim. He also explained that the roles often shift around in time increasing the conflict among the 3 parties. Staying out of the drama generally means not reacting in kind to the polarized view of the victim or embracing the polarized role in which you are cast. Stay centered. Karpman is explained here: Karpman Triangle. Misconceptions Some members think of "triangulation" as a dysfunctional BPD behavior perpetrated on them by a person with BPD - and why not - this is how we see triangles when we are in them and the '"odd man out" smiley. Seeing it this way is exactly the opposite of what we want to do to end the drama. Triangles are all around us. This was Bowen's point. And while it is true that some triangulation can be dysfunctional - triangulation is most often functional or benign. Title: Re: Other DD Post by: pessim-optimist on July 31, 2014, 07:40:35 PM Dear lever,
I think that before you do anything, it will help you to spell out for yourself where exactly you stand on this, and what is your responsibility and what isn't (=boundaries). Your responsibility to, and position about it regarding: 1. DD1 2. DD2 3. Their relationship with each other Being a mom to both the girls makes you have empathy - you know how they feel, and you want it all to be better - that's a good thing. On the other hand, it might cause you to go too far and meddle in their relationship - that wouldn't be good. If you weren't the mother and were a stranger to DD2 - what would be your approach to DD1? If you were a stranger to DD1 - what would be your approach to DD2? Now, how does that work when they are both your adult dds responsible to solve their problems and manage their relationships, while you are their loving mom? Title: Re: Other DD Post by: lever. on August 01, 2014, 02:06:53 AM Thank-you for your replies which are very helpful.
You are correct-interfering too much will not help. I did not mention DD2 to DD1 at all during the visit but DD2 asks me about her sister and the children and her voice sounds sad. I will try to spend some time with DD2 and if she talks about it will validate her right to be upset and deal with it in whatever way is best for her. I think she is a bit overwhelmed at how badly DD1 can treat us and how she sometimes speaks to us and we continually let it go. This is going to come up again when they both want to be here at the same time-perhaps at Christmas, or even October-its going to be tricky If they were friends or strangers I would have had it with DD1 and ended the relationship (ill or not) and I would be very supportive of DD2- telling her she didn't need to tolerate all this but I have the GC to consider too. As she is my daughter I continue to love her and want the best for her. Title: Re: Other DD Post by: HealingSpirit on August 01, 2014, 11:42:05 AM Oh Lever,
If they were friends or strangers I would have had it with DD1 and ended the relationship (ill or not) and I would be very supportive of DD2- telling her she didn't need to tolerate all this but I have the GC to consider too. As she is my daughter I continue to love her and want the best for her. This is the crux of our dilemma as parents of BPD offspring, isn't it? I have terminated a few toxic relationships in my life in the past. But toxic as she is sometimes, I will never terminate my r/s with my BPDD17. So, I continue to love and support her in the best way I can. |