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The FOG is lifting, but it has been an arduous process that has caused physical and emotional pain for not only me, but for my stbxh, our children, and those people who love me and have had to endure watching me get hurt when I  willingly putting myself in this situation again and again.

My story is too long to tell all in one part, and I feel like my healing is going to come not only from realizing I’m not crazy after all, but to understand my part in this and learn from it. 

When I became involved with stbxh I was coming out of a loveless marriage that had put my self-esteem at rock bottom.  I was not emotionally mature enough to understand that self-esteem can only come from within and not be left to the whims of outside sources.  I took full responsibility for being the reason my husband at the time couldn’t love me, didn’t want to connect with me on a deeper level, and who treated me like a roommate.  (Side note that is likely relevant:  I also had a father who left when I was 7-8 years old and remember similar feelings of “if I could have just…” or “if I only would’ve been more perfect, a prettier girl, smarter, etc then he wouldn’t have left.”)   When my stbxh came into the picture―so exciting and not afraid to express his emotions (positive and negative) I was completely enthralled.  He was exciting and fun, intelligent, interesting, sexy, different, said exactly what was on his mind―which hurt sometimes but everything else seemed so good, and knew how to stay mysterious enough to keep my attention.  He told me how he didn’t let many people get close to him and how I am “special” because there was something about me which made him feel like he could trust me. 

After hearing the horrendous stories of his childhood―an extremely abusive father (when he decided to give my stbxh any attention at all) and a mother who was immature in age and had her hands full trying to raise children on her own and without much help, along with a brother that constantly tormented him), my nurturing, motherly instincts took over and thus I became the caretaker of this man who very likely suffers from BPD and NPD as well.  I willingly took it upon myself to try and fix everything that was wrong.  Every feeling or emotion he needed help with, I bent over backwards to self-explore how I might have contributed to why he was feeling a certain way so that I could help him overcome it.  I literally walked in his shoes to the point that I could reason out anything he did or said no matter how horrible it was.  Sometimes I would tell a friend or a family member what had happened to get a different perspective and then find myself defending his behavior to them!

For years I let him beat up on my emotionally (never physically) because I thought it was what he needed to see what unconditional love really looked like.  That it is possible for someone to be imperfect and act out but still be loved.  It was my gift to him.  But I didn’t know it would never be enough.  I didn’t know that he would never see it like that, because he needed the push pull because it’s the only way he knew how to be safe.  If he could conjure up a reason to hate me he could discard me quickly, before he had a chance to be discarded himself.   Ultimately, if he could make me look “more bad” than him, then that’s really a bonus, because he could actually feel good about himself.

Oops, sorry…got away from my part.  Slowly (very slowly) I began reading about mindfulness and taking responsibility for our own feelings and emotions, and how we are responsible for our own happiness.  I started meditating, creating better habits of speaking my mind (no matter the consequences because by this point I was feeling like I had already endured the worst―maybe I’ll talk about that later), and finding ways to rebuild my self-esteem and began understanding my own self worth.  Some of this came from things I was doing for myself, which reminded me of my strengths outside of the relationship, some of it was believing the things my family and a few friends kept saying (that they weren’t just saying them--they really meant them), and a lot of it was listening to my gut and knowing what felt right and what was absolutely wrong. 

That’s what got me here.  I put too much faith into thinking that someone really knew himself and not enough faith in my own strengths and worth.  It has been a tough road―going on eight years, but this is a lesson I will never, ever forget.  I’m so thankful for these boards and to have some like-minded people who have been through this and understand how it feels.  I hope I can help others and I know I’ll need to lean on folks here much wiser and familiar with the fallout in ending this type of relationship. 

 *welcome*

Hi swiftkick,

I read through your post and I don't have a response. You have it figured out.



I can relate to this. I found answers here that I was looking for my entire life. I'm truly grateful I found these boards. I agree it's like-mindness. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story. Welcome aboard.

Hi Mutt,

Is that what it looks like, that I have it all figured out?  :)  I do have it all figured out until he comes back in a week or two, crying and saying he is "messed up" and has issues and problems he needs to work on, don't give up on him, etc., etc.  That's when the true test of my own backbone and resolve to make a better, more stable, life for me and my kids will occur.  Then maybe I can agree with you.  The heart and the head speak two different languages!

Thanks for reading my post.  It was way longer than I intended! 

Self-esteem and trusting our guts takes time. The FOG is still lifting - both will come back and the heart and head will sync. Detaching is a process and you will see his patterns for what they are - keep doing what you are doing  |iiii

He still pulls at the heart-strings with his immaturity and helplessness and wanting others to fix his issues. It is his emotional arrested development. He is an adult though right? He needs to fix his own issues no one else can do that for him. "Rescuing" only causes more suffering and pain on us and enables his maladaptive coping skills. A lose-lose situation for everyone.

I understand - sometimes I start typing too and my post tend to get longer than anticipated but we've all gone through a lot of trauma and want to get our story out with people that understand  *) We all do it including me.

*welcome*

Yeah, that is kinda what it looks like 

We accept it all - how we feel versus the life we can handle - head & heart in conflict.  If only this were a disorder that could be solved with enough love; we would all still be in the relationships.


Sister, I could have written that same thing - very well stated indeed.

I hope you stick around here.

Peace,

SB

Hello and welcome. You really have a good grip on where you are and why. You should be quite proud of that inner work as well as having a caring forgiving heart.  

 Your story is an encapsulation of much of my own and why I ended up here as well.  I was in an emotionally empty  marriage prior and my wide open fully emotional and incredibly beautiful expBPD knocked me off my feet and stole my heart.  

I was particularly impressed with your comment about providing unconditional love to your partner as your gift to show him how valued he was in this earth. I did this too.  I truly felt like my love was my genuine gift to this man who so dearly wanted it.

Thank you again for your story.  So like so many of ours.

I always thought the expression 'If you love someone, let them go' didn't make any sense. Aren't we supposed to be together? Like you, swiftkick, my love was well intentioned, welcomed and needed by my ex, but the closer we were, the more she was triggered. My love didn't end, but the r/s eventually did. Because I had to let her go. Hanging on was doing us both more damage. The other person I let free, and perhaps most importantly, was myself. I needed to believe in myself more so I could break the patterns that kept me so painfully stuck. The more we follow through, the farther along we'll be.

Hi I just want to say about not feeling like your the crazy one.  The feeling will come back, it will get stronger and the self doubt that this r/s has made a part of you like the rest of us will come I to play at times.  

For me I find this hard questioning myself about it constantly.  When this feeling returns I encourage you to come here read through others stories, re read your story and It will help you stay grounded.  

A big problem for me is accepting that it wasn't all my fault.  Restraining myself from getting into the whole blame game that fuels her as its such a natural reaction to the false accusations that we have been accustomed to over time.  It works so well for them why cant we do it.  Recognising the role of being an enabler, as we all have been at some stage and being able to step back and change our role.  

I can relate to so many of the stories on here, its like your paraphrasing a period of my own relationship.   Reading through others stories, gaining that understanding and accepting that you were abused is a painful process.  Changing the cycle, stopping the abuse is even harder as its what we have all been conditioned to accept.  

Emotional abuse IMO is so much more painful and damaging than physical abuse.  My scars are invisible and I can't show how bad the hurt is, only I know the pain that exists.  Only you know your pain but please, open up don't be afraid and read others stories.  Realise your not crazy and your not alone, you were in a abusive relationship and you are doing the hard work to recover.  

Thank you for sharing your story.