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I'm just wondering the best way to reinstate NC?

Due to the rage I got off the exUBPD I couldn't help but respond negatively (obviously he's just upped his rage in response to that  ) 

For my own peace of mind/closure I feel I should ignore the personal insults of his last contact, thank him for a nice day out that we had last time we spent time together, and inform him I will no longer engage in contact.  Though experience tells me he will see this as positive contact and expect further contact?

If he continues with his vile contact I am prepared to go to the police this time as he needs to know I will not accept this baiting for another year, like the last time we parted ways. 

If you go to the cops... .make sure you have solid evidence and clear proof.  Not sure if "being baited" for another year or seduced however unskillfully and vile would be considered harassment or stalking, but I do not know your story.  Good luck.

He will do it in writing via text (which is the only way he'll have left available) and it is classed as harassment in the UK if you have informed someone you do not wish to engage with them.  Last time he was happy enough to make clear threats by text message (he was sending his sister to beat me up, etc).

I just wish my phone would allow me to completely block numbers, but it only allows the option to send calls to voicemail, which means I'll have to play them in part to erase them.

I have posted the gist of my story in the intro board.

Also, I have now installed a blocking app, which doesn't actually block per se, but does divert any texts/call logs from blocked numbers to a completely different log of it's own.  It means I wont have to look at any texts received from him in my regular inbox, my phone wont ring when he calls and nor will his calls show on my general call log, but there will be a clear log of when he has called and text, and what those texts say.  This will keep a clear separate record of any harassment from him, and he will do it from his contract phone which is traceable back to him as he doesn't feel that his behaviour is unacceptable in any way. 

One thing to consider... .is that you telling him no more contact may be considered a form of arguing by him.

If you are going to tell him... .only do it once. 

Very likely it could be best to just ignore.

You are correct to keep really good documentation if contact with police is ever needed.

Hang in there.   

Yes, I think you are spot on there, he will see it as me arguing with him and giving him the go ahead to keep contacting me.  I did tell him in my last message, so there's really no need, other than I wanted to make a more graceful exit and not stoop to his level. 

Good... .it sounds like you've said it and let it go.

No... .tell me about what you do for self care?  What is the plan going to be for you to take care of you... .when some horror shows up in text or email... .because you know it will... .eventually.

My plan for self care will be the same as what it has always been since ridding myself of my narc ex husband.  I will copy any messages to a good, trusted friend and ask what they make of it and whether they consider it a true reflection of how they see me, then laugh about it.  Assuming I even read them. :)

I also always remember the mantra that I learned from a therapist, "I already have one ___e hole, why on earth would I need another?"  Apparently he got that off a previous client when he was trying to ascertain if she intended to recycle a disordered relationship.

May I  join your thread, since I seriously began No Contact today. My situation is a bit different in that the BPD/NPD ex  bf has been silent for two weeks, and I have been secretly hoping to hear from him. Not anymore. I will begin this month with daily notes of how my life is so much better without him. Let the growing and healing begin with a vengeance!

It sounds like you are in a really good place already Lolster, aside from him pestering you, of course, and I am going to try to be as strong as you are. I like the idea of forwarding his nasty messages to a good, trusted friend, to remind yourself of how untrue their accusations are. I do suspect that those message will come to me sooner or later. When that happens I will remember your mantra that indeed we only need one a... hole :)

Thank you BPD family for being there. I couldn't do it without you.

Of course you can join my thread amigo.  :)

I came back in to contact with my BPD knowing that it was unlikely to be any different this time around, but definitely in a stronger place than last time I had contact with him.  It may be harder for you as it wasn't you that broke contact, so you're waiting for them to recognise that you didn't do anything wrong maybe? 

That's a good idea to write a daily note, but keep it brief, don't allow him to take up too much of your time now he's gone.  Even if it's just a happy feeling you have about something, that is enough, because the BPD would likely try and take that away from you if it didn't revolve around him.  It definitely helps to have at least one trusted friend to validate how skewed their perception is of you, that is why disordered people work on cutting you off from friends when they are in your life, they are a massive threat to them and they know it.

Thank you Lolster :)

How was your day? I am guessing you are in Europe?

You are right about not focusing on the BPD in my notes. I just write whatever comes to mind. I actually noticed how little I wrote about him in last nights note. A pleasant surprise. I also was able to just be home by myself and read on this board and write. Normally I would feel the need to go out and meet friends and get male attention, so I don't feel so bad about being without him. Maybe, just maybe, I am growing up a bit.

Yes, part of me is waiting that he will recognize I didn't do anything wrong, but on the other hand I am pretty sure he still thinks along the same lines: He cannot be with me, because I am older and had a past he cannot accept, and he hates me for "making him fall in love" with me, but he cannot resist me when I contact him. Unless he is in cold, ST mode of course. So I am pretty sure that is where his head is still. Unless I catch him in a "white amigo" phase, where he cannot believe he ever let me go and wants to love me forever and get me pregnant, etc, etc.

Ah it is soo good to read all these stories here and gain perspective. I used to believe the crap he unloaded on me.

Yes I am in Europe amigo.

It's good to hear he hasn't figured much in your notes. 

I've had a nice quiet day thank you, probably because I haven't given in to the latest rant from the BPD telling me how I need to take a look in a mirror and see how abusive I am, etc etc.  I don't wish to look in his mirror, it's cracked and marked beyond repair.  :)

Wow, you are strong Lolster. How dare he call you abusive! Unbelievable he even uses the term "mirror".

I am European too, but live in the US.

Well it's day 3 for me. One day away from this site and already I am tempted to contact him. I guess I have become really dependent on posting and reading here to stay away. It didn't help that I spent my day with a friend who I am sort of dating but who is super rational and not romantic at all (so the polar opposite of BPDex), and on top of it we hung out in some of the same neighborhoods I spent time with BPD ex with. It sucks, because this man is a really good friend, was there for me during the "fallout" and is much more suited to me (age, education, socioeconomic status), but I cannot help compare him to BPDex and always be sadly aware of how I feel nothing when I am with him

Ok, I will read some more here and then go out with friends. I will NOT contact BPDex.

Thank you for being here, hope you are well.

They do tend to use terminology that really relates to their own behaviour rather than ours.

I'll let you in to a secret.  I'm only so strong regarding this muppet as:

1) He's not my first toxic relationship

2) He lives 90 miles away

3) It was a brief relationship, although the first time around was 6 years ago.

The first abusive relationship I had (ex husband) I was like a cat on hot coals.  I didn't want to leave my house/open my door/answer my phone as the ex was not only in the same town but also subsequently moved in with his parents a couple of hundred yards down the road and had a (dysfunctional) friend that lived 3 doors away from me.  He swung from threats that he was coming to take our son to "Please help me, I've been assaulted and NEED you, you're my WIFE."  All whilst he was on bail for assaulting me.  He failed to notice that his 'assault' was the result of his own issues, getting drunk to the point of his mask slipping in public and abusing anyone who crossed his path.  He clearly crossed paths with the wrong person that night due to having no one at home to go home and abuse.

So I appreciate it's really not easy, especially when you are likely to bump in to them and you still have feelings for them, regardless of how crazy it seems that you could ever have had feelings for someone who treats you this way.

I went through a few sessions of therapy post (and pre) break up with the husband.  Of course according to him that just verified that I was the one who was mental, lol, but the fact he couldn't/wouldn't come spoke volumes.  Actually, he did come to ONE session, then couldn't return.  I remember the therapist asking how he felt about me.  His response was "I wouldn't want to be without her."  That spoke volumes, he needed me but he didn't love/respect me.  That same therapist went on to ask me if I regretted marrying him and I said a very unconvincing "No."  Even I didn't believe myself.  :)

In terms of your friend, I'd make it clear to him that you really are only ready for friendship at this point.

I think I was curious to re-visit this relationship just in case I had over reacted the first time around due to still having high conflict with the ex husband.  I think part of me wanted to know if I had thrown away a good thing due to my own unresolved issues.

This time around I was in a better place to assess this as I have not had any relationships for a few years now, and the ex stays well out of my way now I no longer react to him, and he knows that he is not in a position to be able to attempt blackmail etc.  All his custody rants amounted to nothing, our son is usually the one who has to hound him to bother with him for a day of his time, every few weeks or so, and then he generally wants to come home because dad starts with the inevitable parental alienation.  My son is now old enough to see who does what for him and will not tolerate his dad degrading me. Our son was merely a pawn to use as a means of controlling me, so therefore doesn't hold much interest for him anymore now all those avenues have been cut off.

So all in all I think I'm currently pretty clear headed and can evaluate this situation so much better. 

I guess it helps that he is relatively far away and that you are experienced in dealing with crazy men. Sounds like you have been through a lot with your ex husband.

Yes, it does seem crazy that we can have feelings for someone who treats us this badly. In my case I do see a connection to my dad, who used to be verbally abusive and who I wanted so desperately to love me.

Strangely in previous relationships I did not take any crap and in fact the relationship before the one with the pwBPD I ended, because I didn't like the way that person spoke to me. Haha, when I think about the things he said and compare them to the stuff the BPDex threw at me, they now seem like words of loving kindness.

Continuing the No Contact, to day is my day 4. Not a word from BPDex, which is very helpful on a rational level, and hurts and makes me feel abandoned on an emotional level. But reason shall prevail. Radical Acceptance!

I was exactly the same before the nut job husband.  His behaviour escalated when I was pregnant, as is common. 

How you doing with the NC?  I'm relieved mine hasn't been in touch (only about the same length of time as yours) and I've still not read his last message so I don't feel the need to react.

Hi Lolster,

I am doing ok, thanks for asking. Today is my day of NC #5, although I have not heard from the BPDex in almost 3 weeks.

My coping varies from hour to hour. There are many things which remind me of him and I miss him (his good parts) often. But I do have sustained periods of being glad I am done with this and thinking about my future.

Since in the past, he hasn't initiated contact with me unless he got a little nudge from me, I wonder if I will ever hear from him again. Somehow I have a feeling I will though. Which makes me anxious and hopeful at the same time 

I am glad that you have been left in peace by your ex. I hope this lasts a long time. Are you going on dates with other men? Are you planning on dating in the future? Just curious. I've been out with other guys and I have a good guy friend who is interested in me, but I just feel nothing   I know, I have to give it time. Just wondering what your experience is with that.

Thanks for being me NO CONTACT buddy 

I know this feeling, and I try to remind myself that the good parts were as fake as the lies she told and tells about me.

So sad, but true about the good parts being lies too.

Of course with "good parts" I also mean less tangible things like the way his skin smells or how I felt when he smiled at me or when he held me all night etc.

But the "good" things he said, I cannot take seriously. He changed his mind about them too quickly and too many times, especially towards the end. Thank you for reminding me of that. I am continuing NC, including avoiding the places I might run into him. It's hard, but I am doing it, thanks to having BPD family to support me.

I hadn't been on any dates in a few years prior to recycling with the BPD.  This wasn't really a conscious decision as in "I hate men, I don't want to date."  It was partly an unconscious decision as all the dates/short term r/s's I'd had were not great experiences.  E.g. one was bi-polar but didn't take his meds as it interfered with his 'creativity' but his life was very disorganised.  One was on the rebound from a very recent break-up, and his break-up was related to his fear of commitment. As a single parent I just focussed my time and attention towards meeting my sons needs, and haven't really been in a position to meet anyone new.

I do think it is healthy to have some time out for yourself without worrying about dating.  I'm at an age where I can take it or leave it, and I'd definitely rather leave it than put up with someone else's baggage/issues.  I have a friend who is bi-polar and I have had to step back away from her drama too, she would rather have any relationship, regardless of how toxic it is both to herself and her children, than be alone.  I'd prefer to be alone than accept unhealthy r/s's for myself and my children.

I think the fact that this time I have allowed the pwBPD to have 'the last word' is keeping his contact at bay.   

NC day #6.

Today I feel impatient. I want to be happy already. I want to start living my life again, free from the thoughts about the pwBPD. Not feel lost and left in the dirt.

Interesting that you haven't heard from you ex in that you let him have the last word. This is good for you. I am glad that it gives you peace.

I let mine have the last word too. We had texted back and forth about meeting up and he kept putting me off and the last interaction was him saying "today doesn't work either". After that I didn't reply any more. To me clearly, he didn't want to make the effort to meet and that was the end for me. I am almost certain though that he thinks his last response warrants another text from me. Since I am not texting, he thinks I am not interested (desperate) enough to want to be with him, and he doesn't feel safe contacting me. He senses that I "know" what is going on with him and that I will likely bring up some of the issues with how we interact and attempt to help him find a solution which he is completely resistant to. He just wants a rehashing of the crazy romance, no dealing with real life problems.

It is not easy for me not do date. Somehow there has always been a man or love interest in my life. Probably something to do with me always desperately wanting my father's love when I was a child, always missing that male love and seeking it. I am trying to be completely by myself right now. Definitely something I want to learn and get better at, coming out of this disastrous r/s with the BPDex. In a way the BPD ex made this new situation possible for me. Normally a new interest/suitor helped me get over a previous one. But this is so different. No one can replace the intense closeness I had with BPD ex and so I have to really embrace being single and telling every prospective new guy that I am not dating at the moment. I have never done this before and it actually feels quite liberating sometimes.

I think it must help tremendously to be a mother and focus your love and attention on your children, rather than seeking it from the outside. Of course it is a different kind of love than a romantic r/s, but I can see how it puts you in a place where you can "take it or leave it" as far as dating is concerned. I am striving to be in that place. I think it is a good place to be. Especially after having gone through the insanity of a BPD relationship.

Exactly!  They do think any meagre crumb of contact means we should respond, and if we don't they crawl back under their stone and hide, because as you say, they no longer feel 'safe' to contact you as you have seen their weakness, you're not accepting it, and now they don't know how/want to repair it.  For me I was disappointed with myself that I responded to his first rage with anger, and obviously got more back.  I feel like I have taken a step back by allowing such a childish tirade a response at all.  I'm sure he'll be feeling like he's 'won' and that his last rant must have been exactly right about me.  But if it relieves me of the hassle of dealing with him so be it.   

Don't be too hard on yourself, it will take time for you to move on, I just wasn't so emotionally invested in this one, last time around, and definitely not this time around.  There is a feeling of us wanting them to realise what they have done wrong and being active in addressing their own issues.  Experience tells me this just doesn't happen.  It's too painful for them, but they care nothing for how they make you feel, because they can't see beyond themselves, which again only goes to show that their r/s with you was only ever one way.

Having my children and my dogs does help to not feel like I need anyone else around, but friends can be good for that too, if you can spend more time with single friends than loved up couples.  If not find a new hobby, join a gym, get a dog (you'll have a more honest relationship with a dog than a pwBPD, though all cats seem NPD, lol).

NPD cats... .:)

Or ASPD, can't quite decide.   :)

 :) I do have a cat, and she is definitely narcissistic. But NPD, I wouldn't go so far as calling her that :)

At least she doesn't verbally abuse me - and if she does I don't understand her :) , and she is always good for a cuddle, never gives me the cold stare and "no thank you" when I try to hug her, like the ex did when he was upset with me.

Yes Lolster, I know, it will take some time. I have lots of single friends, although the single women are all a bit bitter about dating, which is very difficult in this big highly superficial city I live in, and the single men I hang out with tend to say they want to be friends, but then have a bit of an agenda after all. But it's ok, nothing I can't handle, after this crazy disaster I went through in the last year.

I actually go to the gym (and yoga and dancing), so luckily I have plenty of stuff to do. It's when I am at home alone or at work that the ruminations start. But I must say, with the NC (day 7 today!) it has gotten better. The memory of him has become less intrusive, and he is fading slightly into the background, at least some of the time.

You are putting it so perfectly: they crawl back under their rock and hide (or go for the clueless old or new victim), because they cannot handle reality and that we know they are weak and that we want to help and change the situation.

Good for you that your emotional investment was less this time around. That must help tremendously in dealing with your ex. Of course it must still be very upsetting to have to hear his accusatory rants, but maybe it is easier to dismiss them as the rantings of a lunatic and not take them personally, when you do not love the person any more.

Ok, my narcissistic cat it telling me to stop writing and to pay attention to HER!  :) got to go ... .

Hehe, actually there's a book called 'All Cats Have Aspergers' for explaining Aspergers Syndrome to kids.  :)

I finally (a week later) read the last message off the BPD because I knew I wouldn't react one way or another.  It's full of the projection I expected, comments about MY behaviour, with no reference to anything in particular that I did or didn't do, just the general "You're this, you're that, blah blah... ."  And it actually ends with him telling me not to contact him again.  Errrm, I wasn't doing, I'd already told him that in my last message.  He must be trying to make himself think that was his decision, and now he'll be beating himself up that I'm actually NOT contacting him.   

I have seen that book, it's so cute :)

Good that you are not letting that last message get to you. I guess you knew what to expect. Funny that he says, don't contact him. My ex sent me a text after a 3 week silence in the past that started with ":)on't answer this, I just wanted you to know that I still think of you too". AS IF. Of course he wanted me to answer. And I did   at the time... .I am pretty sure your ex saying don't contact him anymore is exactly the opposite, crying out for help, wanting you to respond. Good for you that you are staying away.

Today I got triggered really badly by hearing less than a second of "our" song on the radio. I immediately changed the station, but just hearing that tiny bit made me awash in feelings of longing and missing him. It was bad. I had such a strong physical reaction. I was so close to reaching out to him, already had my phone in hands, but instead I texted a friend and wrote down the things I wanted to say to him and let it pass. ARGH - I felt that I was already much better. I guess it's not safe for me to turn the radio on just yet.

At least though I did better than last time. Last time the song came on, I listened to the whole thing and then texted the ex and started the last bit of passive agressive texting back and forth which ended in not meeting up and me deciding to go NC.

Wow, today was really hard, but I can count this as a victory. The drug was almost right in front of my face, and I said no. Phew. Close call.

I am so glad I have this place to come to and vent. I know I would be in the midst of the next rollercoaster loop, if I didn't have you guys here.

Thank you for your post Lolster!

I knew at the time, that she was trying to isolate me from my friends. She said it was about her feeling special, she didn't want me having other females in my life, even platonic friendlships I had for 20 years or more. I gave in to some extent, and ditched some female acquaintances that were of no importance to me. I resented her for making me do that though, and she also seemed ashamed of it and even said I should get them back - but she didn't mean it.

Towards the end she started suggesting I ditch male friends too, because she said they were a bad influence. She also wanted me to move away. I know a future with her would have meant no friends. She wanted me totally isolated.

What makes it so hard is that it didn't start like this- it was the opposite. She pretended to love my active social circle and even said, the best partners have friends of their own. She did not mean it though.

NC is so hard but it got harder the last week or two. I know she could still recycle me if she wanted/needed to. I'm still sad she hasn't been in touch at all. But I feel this is the crucial time- I just need to get through this, and I will be free of her control. My friends have helped me keep perspective - fortunately some of the rages happened in public, and they realized she was disillusion. They are the type of friends who would tell me if I was in the wrong, and none of them did. They all think she was nuts. These friends kept me sane. No wonder she wanted me away from them.

Thanks to all posters. Posting and reading here has saved my life, thank you all :) I wish you all the very best - thank the lord we are here for one another!

it double posted  sorry

Yes Camuse, I can identify with that. 

Did you find your ex wanted to hold on to her (dubious) friendships though?  I found my first oddball ex wanted to maintain dodgy friendships with other disordered people (he had no 'normal' friends/acquaintances).  One was a female who shared his love of drink/drugs and he generally would switch his phone off and not come home all night when he attended one of her 'parties.'  Yet I would be accused of having affairs with men old enough to be my father if I mentioned a conversation with a male at work.  That progressed to me having affairs just for GOING to work as men were there, and women who may point out his flaws if I discussed our relationship.

With this most recent suspected pwBPD he just had no friends anyway and didn't appear ashamed to admit that (but did blame his physical disability rather than his own ineptitude for maintaining friendships).  The first time he raged at me was because I was out with a friend and didn't answer his messages immediately, but used the excuse of me not verifying loose plans that I was actually waiting for HIM to firm up.  I was a poor friend, etc etc. Well if I was such a poor friend why was I out supporting another friend with an issue she needed help with?  If I was such a poor friend why did I bother to actually let him know in advance that I would be unavailable? And why should I even NEED to let him know that I would be unavailable given that I didn't have plans with HIM that same day (it wasn't even the day I was waiting for him to verify plans for). He never did answer those questions, just rinsed and repeated again a week or two later. All very lame and centred around his own hatred of the fact that HE was alone and I wasn't available for him to offload on to. 

Probably a bit childish of me but I'm actually loving the fact that HE told me not to message him and yet I already had ignored him for a week before reading his message, which he would have been aware of, lol.