BPDFamily.com

Hi.  I am just going to paste the post I made in the newcomers board as a simple intro, but first, a bit more of my background.  I have already read Understanding the Borderline Mother, Walking on Eggshells and several other books on BPD or PD in general and I have found them to be very useful.  I myself have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD and have been in counseling before.  anyway, here is the post I made:

Hi.  I am the daughter of a mother with what I assume is BPD, tho no official diagnosis has been made.  My father was as messed up as she was, and he too did not have an official diagnosis.  The best fit seems to be BPD for my mom and a pick-a-PD dad who bowed to her will to keep the peace (typical non-dad behavior from what I have read) though with some fairly big issues of his very own.

Anyway, both my parents are dead so there are no new incidents for me to work through, thankfully, but there are lingering effects that despite a couple years of therapy I still struggle regarding.  I do not feel I need to go back to formal therapy but rather I think I need to get in touch again with my past and brush up on things like boundaries, self-validation and what not.  Things that most non's raised by PD parents have to deal with.  I used to post on one of the yahoo support groups, but I really did not care for the set-up and I do not want to return there.  I am hoping to find a place where people are willing to give feedback and support (and I will do the same) as I work on my own issues.

The last several years I have focused on simply living, have dealt with the breakup of a long-term (for me) relationship and a serious illness while juggling a career and the death of both my parents and all the typical life stuff.  I realized though that I have sort of lost touch with where I was and old behaviors are starting to creep in... .like loose boundaries to the point where I let people walk all over me and take total advantage and then I have to go into fight mode.  Or sometimes something comes up and I come out ready to fight tooth and nail only to realize that there really is no threat. 

I have had both my parents and how they affected me on my mind quite a bit lately and I am taking that as a sign that perhaps some new layers are ready to be pealed back.  It really is a process and though I feel a bit scared, I am excited too.  Usually when this has happened in the past I would work through it on my own.  This time though I want a bit more support and some help and I hope to be able to offer the same.

Harri!

And this is the second post I made on the Intro board:

I wish I could pin-point exactly which issue(s) is bubbling just under the surface.  I can't though.  All I have are images my parents faces and the fact that they pop into my thoughts fairly frequently these days.  My mom had been dead for 7 years and my dad for 6 and I have not really thought of them all that much until about 2 months or so ago.  It is like I have faint warning bells going off in my gut and I have learned over the years to listen to the bells. 

The specific situation that told me things are off and actually got me searching for online help and support is one that involves my roommate.  He is a very smart 22 year old kid who was awarded an internship at one of the major companies here. Long long story cut short:  basically I allowed him to take advantage of me in terms of money, items in my home that he has ruined (not expensive, but things I just do not have cash to replace at this time), his being a slob (like messy floor in kitchen to the point where my feet would stick to the floor when he spilled stuff and did not mop or sweep).  He would walk around in the shared areas in just his underwear (and no! he does not wear boxers  rolleyes ).  I was driving him around so he could save money on a rental care even though I was getting exhausted, spending money I can not spare on gas, and even though sitting for longer than a half hour causes serious problems with my health.  Some petty things and some big things, but all things that bothered me.  But all were situations I allowed that ensured his comfort and ease but caused me either physical harm or stress and discomfort.  And I allowed it to go on for 6 weeks before I put my foot down and told him I was done, that I would not act as his mother and he needed to get a flippin rental car.   It has been about 3 weeks since I started saying no and I am still playing catchup to where I was before his move in in terms of my health and he has been sulking because I "turned on him suddenly and he was not taking advantage of my kindness all he did was ask".   rolleyes

I am not upset with him or even the situation, I am upset that I allowed it to happen and fell into the old pattern of pleasing others and putting their needs first to the point of harming myself.  I lost sight of my needs and taking care of me (a big big theme from my childhood) and all for a total stranger that I will probably never see again.  BTW, obviously, I left out a lot of details... .I could fill pages with examples of where I got off track.  I don't blame him really.  He asked and I kept saying yes.  He is just a kid really and has had his mom and aunts cater to him.  He knows I am not working due to health issues (hence my need for a roommate) and I need to do therapy for a few hours a day and I need to rest too so it is not like he was uninformed.  He does not know details, but he knows enough. I would not dream of asking someone I barely know (and not even my close friends) some of the things he asked me to do.  Heh, I just realized that I am still hoping to find people who will not push for all they can get and will consider my needs as well.

And that right there is the problem that brought me here.  Consideration for others and trying to help others is not unhealthy... .and yet I can take it to an extreme to the point where it *is* unhealthy.  I do take comfort in the fact that I did catch on while in the midst of things rather than after he leaves (just two more weeks!) and I did not let things build inside until I went all bonkers on him, so I guess that is progress!  But clearly, I need a tune up!

Sheesh.  I do ramble but at least I have something specific to work on now.  :P

So the above, while not a huge issue, is definitely a sign that things are off kilter for me.  A couple of years ago, I never would have allowed such a silly situation to occur and the fact that I did is just a sign that I took a few steps back into that crazy place I was when I was so enmeshed with my FOO.

Thanks for reading!

You mentioned you have PTSD and that it’s 7 years after your Dad’s death. PTSD typically kicks in 7 years after a traumatic event. Although the PTSD may relate to earlier childhood, death of a parent often creates new stress that can trigger PTSD. So maybe that’s why now, and it suggests there’s still some details to iron out. So as you rightly point out, maybe time for a tune up. If you had to look after your parents and you Dad, looking after another man (this 22 year old) would also bring thought forward.

Sounds like you’re on top of the situation. You picked it up after 6 weeks that you’d reverted to old type. You mention he’s a 22 year old kid. When I left home for university, I was surprised to find most other young men had no idea about housework or sorting things out themselves. As ACORNs we were trained to do housework, but I realised that’s not the norm for all kids. So it’s not surprising he may have expected you to take over from his mom. The walking around in underwear thing - you're right, is not acceptable.

Are you having any flashbacks or childhood memories/dreams that may shed light on underlying

issues ?

Hi, and  *welcome*

Good for you for taking steps to work on overcoming the consequences of your upbringing. I have also received treatment for depression and PTSD. It sounds like the interactions with your roommate recently may be bringing up feelings from your childhood. We have a lot of tools here that you might find helpful. Over in the right hand margin, you will see a summary of the Survivor's Guide, which can help us work on specific steps of our recovery. We also have a variety of workshops. Here are some of my favorites that might be a good place for you to start:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0)

Let us know what you think, and if you have any other questions. I'm glad you've joined us!

Wishing you peace,

PF

Welcome aboard Harri,

I have not been here long either but I think you are in the right place.

Walking on eggshells is a common description I hear on this site.   I totally understand that.

It is emotionally exhausting.  Once we can remove the emotional affect people have on us then we can begin to feel healthy, happy and LIVE.   

Keep in mind... .that our MIND is connected to our body.  So when we are under emotional stress it affects our health.  Read and read... .and see if you can find ways to help yourself deal.

I know there are people here with experience in coping and lots of good suggestions.

|iiii

Sincerely.

Happy Chappy, hi!  I did not know about the 7 year delay with PTSD and that makes total sense.  The first 5 years of the last 7 (does that make sense) have been crisis after crisis and pretty major ones at that.  I have always been good at dealing while in the midst of chaos and have more trouble with the aftermath.  I think it is because of the chaotic environment I was raised in.  I know it can be pretty common and that it is often common to try to create drama to feel more comfortable.  I think I am past the overt drama stage (I was a bit of a drama queen in my teens and early 20's) but I am wondering now if I sort of self-sabotage to create some 'low key drama' in an effort to return to my comfort zone.  Hmmmm.  I will have to think more about that.  Thank you for the insight and the encouragement.  :)  I did indeed forget that not everyone had to take care of their own stuff as kids.  That reminder has made it much easier for me to have patience with him... .even when he breaks my toilet tank cover.  LOL... .how on earth?  But he did.  :D  And he could not even try to blame it on me as he has his own private one.  Again, not a big deal, but annoying all the same.

There are no specific flashbacks, though I am remembering things that I did not remember when I was more involved in therapy and the recovery process.  It is more feelings and emotions that I am recalling, rather than new situations.  Again, that makes sense as I was shut-down emotionally for quite some time.  There are bound to be unresolved emotions dangling around still, though I do not believe everything can always be completely resolved either.  Some things are just beyond comprehension and I placed them in a box labeled "to visit when needed but don't expect understanding".  :P

P.F.Change, thank you for the links!  I read them and will read through them again until they are really stuck in my mind.  Thanks so much for your encouragement, I appreciate it more than I can say.

funfunctional, thanks for the welcome.  I too am glad we have this place to chat and learn.  I know at one point the levels of stress I had kept building... .and that level of stress and anxiety is just not sustainable, something has to give and I think for me it was my health and once again, I sort of shut down emotionally.  I have been feeling overwhelmed too, and I have definitely thought 'why bother' when it comes to changing poor health habits.  Talk about self sabotage and self defeat.  It is time for that craptacular attitude to go!

I have waited to come back to this thread, hoping I would have something specific to address, but I don't.  I am going to keep poking around though.  I am sure to hit on something. 

Thanks again everyone for the support and encouragement.  It helps to know I do not have to do this alone.

I had not heard this before, either. Do you remember where you read it?

That is an interesting question. It may be related to steps 8 and 9 in the Survivor's Guide. I will be curious to hear what you come up with as you think about it some more.

I like that you are dealing with your emotions patiently and are willing to accept that you may not be ready to understand some of them right now. It is good to process things as you are able and not pressure yourself too much.

Glad you're finding the site helpful--it's very helpful to me, too.