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Lately I've been trying to work on my problem with hypervigilance and feeling tense and alert all the time. I feel like I've been this way since my grandpa died when I was almost 12 and then I remember not really learning how to cope with his death and I just remember getting home from the hospital after it happened and I wanted to be with my friends and I didn't wana be alone and my dad got super pissed off at me for some reason and I just remember being really angry that he wouldn't let me react to the situation on my own. And my mom said my dad and I started bumping heads around that time and now it's been 12 years. Now that I'm trying to relax and put my guard down I feel guilty for going out with friends and having fun and I don't know if it's from the whole BPD situation with my dad or that I honestly never learned how to cope with my grandpa dying because I'm dealing with a lot of "what's the poin of anything I'll be dead eventually" kind of feelings BUT I also grew up with my dad always saying things like "I won't be alive in 20 years" etc so I think I've also adapted that horrible mindset and now I can't even be happy when I'm having fun. I also feel overwhelmed now when I realize how many possibilities there are in life in general and it's like I can't handle that realization that I could possibly meet new people or end up in a different career path or date someone I haven't met through a friend and then I feel sad like I'm abandoning my life and it makes me wana crawl back into my safety zone. Ugh I don't know how to handle any of this or if this is even a normal thing to deal with

Hi, guliers,

It sounds like you are having a tough time. Losing a loved one such as a grandparent can feel traumatic, and having a parent with a personality disorder probably didn't help with the grieving process. Have you considered talking with a therapist to get to the root of what's going on and explore possible solutions?

Wishing you peace,

PF

yeah i've been seeing a really good therapist. i just have to wait until monday to make an appointment

Hi guliers

I found it quite intriguing a few of the things you said.

You mentioned hypervigilance which can also be a result of being fearful of abuse. Now I think the threat of your dad's - that he won't be alive in 20 years can have an extremely subtle but damaging effect on you. My own uBPDmother was regularly threatening me and my sibs with the pain we would feel when she was dead "You'll be sorry then" it engendered in me a deep fear of the traumatic sensations that I expected to feel if and when she died. Quite cruel actually-  especially for kids because we think  (when children) that the things that happen are linked to us in a major way. Until you're 10 or 11 it is not mentally possible to even separate the idea of it not being your fault somehow.

I also understand totally the idea that you are never really free to just have fun and let go and enjoy yourself to the fullest. Always there is that slight  sense of guilt. i really believe this was taught to you by faulty parenting. great parents love it when they're kids are playing and happy. they allow time for just slothing without constantly needing some other behaviour from their kid (ie ":)on't be lazy - you should be working. You don't get to have fun unless <insert abc here> That subtle threat has possibly permeated your conscious so perhaps you don't ever give yourself permission to be completely happy?

It's totally understandable that you might be overwhelmed by life and all its complexities - your desire to just get away from it for a bit is also natural. You are probably still grieving - not just your grandpa's death but the feelings about your parents and maybe in a bit of confusion about yourself too. And that's ok. you are dealing with hard stuff. I wonder if you're being a bit hard on yourself? You don't have to have all the answers today this minute - it's ok to not be perfect, it's ok to feel out of depth. And it's ok to feel sad a long time later. It really is! My best friend died when I was 15 - that was more than 30 years ago and I still feel a great deal of sadness and pain for it. And I remember getting asked out for my first ever date that very same day. The happiness and sadness just fused together and I have always been scared of pure joy since then

Maybe take one thing at a time? Spend some time with yourself and listen to what you have to say. You expressed yourself so well in your post. I really felt  what you meant. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and do, please come back and let us know how the therapy went

All the best

Ziggiddy