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Its maddening.  Seriously.  Whats the psychology behind it?  I mean, I get it changing your mind about things... .people do that.

Im not talking about that though.  Im talking about saying one thing, then in the next breath completely contradicting yourself with an opposite statement.

For example, my ex uBPD fiance waif during our separation to "work on things"... .shed hand me marriage counseling paperwork that she printed up during the week to give me on the weekend when I see her.  So Im thinking, awesome... .she is serious about getting married.  Then a few days later, when I tell her I saved (up on my own) our previously agreed upon wedding budget... .she looks like she wants to cry and with a serious look on her face says, "Its not enough".  I say, "what, we decided on this amount"  She says, "No we didnt, its not enough"  and "You dont really want to marry me"

What the hell.  Stuff like this was soo maddening!  And it happened all the time.  Im always second guessing myself... .wondering if I did the right thing.  Did she, or did she not want to get married?  Who knows.  All I know is that Im left with nothing but doubt.

It's confusing and maddening behavior Huh? & and I agree with you. It's a defense mechanism - dissociation. I share a similar experience with my ex and it's a dominant trait in her. Remembering things differently. I can't articulate it any better than the article we have on dissociating - it's changing reality to sync with their feelings.

She says one thing and changes what the context of the conversation was about. She's convinced that what was originally said was true and it casts doubt over your intuition. You second guess yourself "maybe I didn't register what she said right" or it's a catalyst for a circular argument - whatever the reactions may be. I started to think maybe I'm starting to lose my mind? I can't seem to understand anything she says or means. My ex was very convincing but I can see that her reality changed frequently now due to the disorder - what she was feeling.

A person that changes reality often is a signs of mental illness.


BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0)

Hi Huh? :  I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.  It hurts deep down.  We try and we try and we try and we are left with nothing.  At least that's what happened to me. 

And, it might be maddening.  But it's also MADNESS!

It's Loony Toons. It Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs.  It's Bat Sht Crazy.

Its:  

-A few clowns short of a circus

-The wheel is spinning, but the hamster's dead

-Got a screw loose

-Nutty as a fruit cake

-Bats in the belfry

-Out to Lunch

-Mad as a hatter

-As sharp as a marble

-Losing your marbles

-Not firing on all cylinders

-Hasn't got both hands on the steering wheel

-Hasn't got both oars in the water

-One wave short of a shipwreck

-A few bricks short of a load

-One scout short of a posse

-One card short of a full deck

-An olive short of a pizza

-A sandwich short of a picnic

-A sausage short of a barbecue

-Four quarters short of a dollar

-Five cans short of a six-pack

-A few french fries short of a happy meal

It's a serious mental Disorder with no cure and limited potential treatment or growth.  

I try and keep that in mind.  It helps me to depersonalize the Disorder.  

Thank you for this.  Thank you.  It really explains a lot.  I used to think it was just gaslighting when she would "remember" things differently... .but now I realize it was part of her problem with delusional and dissociative thinking.  She cant help it?  I would get frustrated so much, how she would adamantly deny the obvious.  I was her #1 fan with her passion photography.  I encourage, supported, and promoted her.  I taught her photo editing software, and as a Graphic Designer I made her company identity.  I accompanied her when she started getting photoshoots and stood beside and behind her to ease her nervousness, offering suggestions and ideas.  She would tell me how grateful she was to have me there, to give her support.

Eventually she quit because she didnt think she was good enough. No matter how much I protested, she refused to continue exploring her talent.  Later, when we broke up... .she told me that I never supported her  and her photography... .EVER. 

My close family members have told me to let go, she is mentally ill.  They believe she is mentally ill, not so much of her BPD traits... .but because of the double talking, and her constant paranoia  When my ex fiance told me shortly before we stopped speaking that she was convinced all americans were going to be institutionalized by the government, I realize now that actually, my ex fiances fear that SHE would be institutionalized.

I actually broke down and broke contact today after 32 days of her silence.  I text her telling her that I regret that she doesnt have the capability to recognize that I am a good man who loved, valued, and honored her.  Her response, silence.  Atleast now, I know it is officially over. 

HAHAHAHA!   Thanks for the laugh.  This deserves a thread of its own! |iiii

You're welcome Huh? You are correct she dissociated the event. It's a defense mechanism - not intentional but as you were going through how registered and interpreted your reality without knowledge of what was going on - she was dissociating. It makes you feel frustrated, confused and invalidated. She's not hearing what you are trying to communicate.

You are a supportive fiancee and I'm sorry to hear it got to this. I'm also sorry to hear she went radio silent - another defense mechanism splitting.

Dude,

One of my favorite analogies regarding the desire or, in my case, obsession with changing someone else's behavior is:

''Never try and teach a pig to sing. You'll only frustrate yourself and anger the pig.''

I can't change nature. I can't raise someone else's level of understanding or capability beyond their 'pay grade,' so to speak. So I'd better get busy with my own level of understanding and acceptance. Having a friend with a background in counseling helped me to find some sense of what drives my ex's behavior, and using other resources, like the stories on this site, have helped me to accept this behavior. It's a disease. Would I be pissed at someone with cancer?

Each and every conversation I had with my ex would be totally different the next time it was referenced. It would've been rewritten so as to reflect HER emotional perspective and not the actual dialogue. It would be her version. We all do this to a degree, slant things. But this is totally different. The kicker for me was being accused of things I had never, ever done or said.