BPDFamily.com

Hi friends,


My mom and I have been best friends my whole life. She raised my by herself and it has always been me and her against the world, so to speak... .& I don't yet have any healthy, non-toxic family or friends. Well it's been 4 1/2 months of no contact (as her BPD, NPD, etc.,. came to the point where it was sabotaging every area of my life.)

Some days I'm just fine and am confident knowing I'm doing the healthy thing for my future. Other days the grief wells up so unexpectedly that I begin to tear up at work or sob at home. I must admit I miss the ":)r. Jeckyl" side of her... .even though it wasn't for the right reasons, genuine, or lasting, I miss when she was giving and helpful. Can you relate?

Hi, Valley Quail,

I think everyone longs for a loving relationship with their parents. It is natural to look to a mother and father to provide emotional support and reassurance. Things get more complicated when a parent has BPD, as those needs are only met intermittently. It can feel very confusing.

When I hear people say they are "best friends" with a parent, I find that usually means there is not a healthy balance in the relationship. The child may have been expected to serve as a surrogate spouse or therapist, or otherwise be burdened with taking care of a parent's feelings. In the case of a parent with BPD, it often means the relationship is actually enmeshed, which is not a healthy closeness. TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0) Do you think that applies to your relationship with your mother?

It is normal to be grieving the loss of the mother you wish you had. It can really help to have a therapist to talk to during this process. Are you currently working with someone?

Wishing you peace,

PF

I can definitely relate, Valley Quail. I've been NC with my uBPD mom for a year now and I still experience that rush of grief you mentioned. It's really hard sometimes though it happens a bit less now than in the past. One thing that has helped me has been trying to turn that longing for parental love onto myself. So when I find myself wishing that I had a mother who was kind, considerate, compassionate, etc., I then try to find ways to be kind to myself and compassionate to myself. This little exercise has helped me build more self-soothing capacity and helps me feel less like a victim and more like the responsible adult that I longed to be but couldn't be under my mother's crazy. I too don't yet have non-toxic people in my life so in this situation trying to find ways to be good to myself is really critical to emotional survival right now. Good luck to you.

Thank you P.F. Change and aubin for your replies. They are very helpful.

P.F. Change--Yes, I believe we were enmeshed. Thanks for the link. We know all too well about the rage and the drama... .and I was curious as to who could relate to kindness in the BPD person that they missed. I guess the fact that the kindness come and go without warning makes it most painful. Have you seen kindness from your BPD person that you appreciated... .& suddenly they switch back to rage and high-conflict, leaving you missing the good?


aubin--Thank you for that helpful tip. I like that. And it is very helpful that you can really relate. 

Peace and thanks to you both.

Valley Quail,

I kind of wish I did miss my uBPDm's "Jekyll" side. Well - I mean, we are in somewhat LC and she's been better behaved over these past couple of years than she was for ages before that, so her Jekyll side has really been her dominant side for a while now. I've got good boundaries in place, and on the rare occasions her Mr. Hyde shows up, it has no power over me.

But... .I just don't particularly like her Jekyll side. We're opposite personality types, have very different tastes, and even at her best, she's irritating to me as a person in a way that has literally nothing to do with her BPD. We've never been particularly good friends, and even when we are both at our best, it's hard to have very pleasant interactions because we're both appalled by things that the other enjoys. This is part of how I still get confused with guilt in my relationship with her. Because while I firmly stand on my right to limit our relationship to prevent her abusing me, I feel selfish about limiting our relationship just because she holds very little interest to me as a human being at all.

Guhhh. It sounds nasty when I say it that way.

I'm sorry you're missing the good side of your mom. =( Though I can't relate, I can imagine, and I know it must be difficult.

Oh, my... .  Yes, I miss that beautiful, rare creature... .I see the Dr. Jekyll side so infrequently, I'm always concerned it's an act.  I asked my therapist about it and he said that I was seeing the healthy sliver of my sister.  Yes, I so desperately miss her.

No, but I'm 24 years moved out of the house since the last time I experienced it. For the past quarter century, it's been the Waif side of my mom, with no real "mean" turns (though sometimes invalidating comments). I went so far beyond quickly in life in accomplishment and distance, that living in her house quickly receded in the rear view mirror.

I will confess that thinking about it right now gives me anxiety. I feel some guilt remembering my feelings at the time, like, "if I never saw this woman again the rest of my life, it wouldn't matter to me." My mind remembers, and so does my heart... .

Interestingly, if I feel that if never saw the uBPD mother of my children again, it wouldn't matter to me either, and in that I don't feel guilt. I can split, too, and that aspect of my personality always bothered me.

Thank you claudiaduffy, Coral, and Turkish for your replies.


claudiaduffy... .I can see where you're coming from. It may be a blessing in disguise that your mom's ":)r. Jekyll" side isn't appealing... .making it less painful. When I think about it and erase her efforts to be a chameleon, really my mom and I are also appalled by things the other enjoys, but I didn't completely realize it until you mentioned it... and that makes it less painful. Thank you for sharing your experiences.


Coral... .Thank you, it's healing to read of someone being able to relate first-hand. And I'm so glad you shared your therapist mentioning that the ":)r. Jekyll" is the healthy sliver of her... .(I've always felt that it could be an act too.) Reading that helps the healing process. Thank you for sharing your experiences, wishing you peace.


Turkish... .Thank you for sharing your experiences. They were helpful and I'm genuinely happy for you that you went far beyond in accomplishment and distance early on, that the experiences with her quickly receded in the rear view mirror.  And I think it's okay to feel that "if I never saw this woman again the rest of my life, it wouldn't matter to me." I have felt that and I think it's understandable considering the confusion and chaos that their actions can bring about. Thank you for sharing your experiences, wishing you peace.

xoxo

VQ

Hi VQ.  I can relate to missing the good side.  I think that was the hardest part for me actually.  My mom did have a good side, a great side even.  She could be fun and loving, generous and kind... .but unbelievably cruel and selfish, projecting her problems onto me (she was very big on shame, humiliation and guilt), splitting, manipulating, etc.  I really believe it is the intermittent goodness that makes it so hard to separate.  Through my childhood and early adulthood, there were times when I was split black but there were also times when I was the golden child (though I was mostly black once I hit about 11).  I used to torment myself with the good memories and I even clung to them... .but all it did was make the bad hurt even more and it made it that much harder for me to cut the ties (I was horribly enmeshed).  Even worse though were the memories of what I would do and tolerate all in the effort of getting the good mom back.  My parents betrayed me, but in a sense I betrayed myself too.

The best bit of advice I got from a friend was when he told me that it was like I was seeing her as two different people and that separating her in such a way served no useful or helpful purpose, all it did was intensify the craziness.  That stuck with me and I think it really is true.  There was no good/bad mother, there was just mom: the good the bad and the ugly.  To see her any other way just impeded my progress and made it that much harder to have strong boundaries and walk away when I needed to.

So grieve for the fact that you never had the mother you deserve and even for the fact that you miss her, but try to see her as the whole complicated good/bad mess she really is. 

Take care

I think this is really important. It can be difficult, but we need to find a way to integrate all of the aspects of our parents' personality. It helped me, too, when I was able to see that my mother is not all good or all bad, but rather a human person with both positive and negative qualities. And that standing up for myself and taking care of my boundaries didn't mean I was denying the good parts of her.

I just went no-contact too and I get what you're saying. I think for me it helps to remember that ":)r. Jekyll" has BPD just like "Mr. Hyde" does. The good side has that "too good to be true" quality and often ends up just being the apology that keeps you hanging around for more of Mr. Hyde (and there's always more, always). Dr. Jekyll is a part of the abuse just like Mr. Hyde is.

To me, the nice side is b.s. They don't have "good sides" and "bad sides," there is just one person who is abusing or mistreating everyone around her to save her own skin. Whether she's just hiding her BPD/NPD or she's hiding something deeper (involvement with a cult, maybe, or sexual abuse or whatever else) there's nothing you can do about it.

I hesitate to compare Jekyll and Hyde to BPD because I think Dr. Jekyll and Edward Hyde were more like a traditional understanding of dissociative identity disorder wherein there actually is a person who becomes multiple. With a borderline personality it's more like... .they actually don't see the cookies as logically inconsistent with nearly killing you the day before that because their logic doesn't quite work right. I believe they can see that there's a problem and that people are hurting because of them but they choose not to get help. That is sad, but I believe people need to earn forgiveness and Dr. Jekyll couldn't just say "well I'm not Mr. Hyde right this second so you should just like me now" and expect it all to work.

My best friend and I used to refer to my mother as "Good X" and "Bad X" depending on how she behaved on any given day.  This idea of letting go of a good person and bad person image really hit home with me just now.  My son is 5, and like all five year olds, he has "bad moments" when I wonder why he is behaving like a tiny lunatic.  :)  But I always know he's not a bad kid, he's just learning to process his emotions and navigate the world.  It's complicated and he doesn't always know how to cope.  I don't think of him as a good kid vs bad kid, he's just him, learning.  Now, I'm realizing it's the same with my mother- she doesn't know how to cope or process in lots of situations, and has the emotional maturity/intelligence of a kid.  Older than 5, mind you, but still not an adult in her emotional life at all.  The issue is really consistency and predicability, I think.  Like with my most healthy and functional relationship- my husband-  I know he is not always going to react the way I want him to, but I can predict and know what to expect.  Even if I know something is going to make him angry (like me talking to my mother), I know why he feels that way, and know how to deal with it.  With a BPD, you never know what the reaction is going to be; there is no logic to predict what they'll do.  It's hard to feel trust when you never know what to expect.  So you live your life at some level of alert every day, never being able to relax.  

Thanks for starting this discussion, Valley Quail.  You all have given me a new perspective to explore.

Hi there,

Yes I can relate. In the BPD people I have known, there has always been something special and loving about their personalities. And if they were just that person, life would be so much easier. I'm not as strong as you are by continuing a life without my dad. However, he is not around much and doesn't have any power in my daily life.

Both of my friends with BPD had a magnificent and beautiful side to them that was all encompassing and made me feel at ease and understood like no one else could. What you're feeling is so normal and it's just like grief over a death because you were so close. There will probably be days where you remember the good side and it's more difficult. I'm glad you're doing what's best for you and wish you all the best.

Thank you all so much for sharing how you can relate and talking about your experiences. You've been really helpful.

Peace and hugs,

VQ

Very good insights into the range of "sides" we see in those we care about with this disorder.  But as has been pointed out a few times, it's still all the same person... .the "good, bad and ugly" (wonderful way of putting it).  I can relate to missing the loving, generous, good-natured persona that they do project at times.  Heck, if they were always miserable, mean-spirited and verbally nasty they could not attract people do them... .and they DO (in many cases) manage to gather about them friends and family that believe the ":)r. Jekyll" face they can show the world.  And I also agree that knowing this side exists and remembering how GOOD it can feel to relax - even just for a moment - while the dragon is asleep makes it hard to maintain a distance sometimes.