BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

This question I have been asking myself for a while and I'm struggling to come up with an answer that I find satisfactory.  I have, and will continue to learn about myself and who I am as a person, my defects and fables, weaknesses and strengths.  For me I have never, I honestly never looked in depth and questioned my thought process like this before.  It is very hard to be honest with yourself about your own faults.  

I've had a couple things that being critical of myself I can say I've made mistakes in the past with my own direction or made decisions that were bad for me where I can see there wasn't a fit.  I went to university to a course I 'liked' the idea of and did really well before 18 months later going, na, screw this back to work and keep building assets.  Your good at that.  Work, you know how to solve things with more work!

Now I look at that decision 5-6 years ago and I liked 1/2 the course and got all HD or 80%+ marks.  It was a double degree and the other half I had no interest in.  Here I have decided to go back and finish the degree I enjoyed, the part that interests me and I can see myself pursuing for a fair while.  

Thing is I never would have looked at my decision's and choices and my thought process without going through this BPD rat race and trying to recover.  

I lost my job today and normally that would have been the end of the road for me, always valued stability financially.  Instead I accepted it, acted maturely and my OPS manager at work pretty much handed me another job on a plate, a better job.  I talked with him and was able to basically get the commitment that he would support me going back to uni and have every second Friday off to have my son once established in the new position.  

I never would have asked previously.  I would have been pulling my hair out and stressing hugely and probably not be offered the position due to that behaviour.  

Without this process I wouldn't have identified those previous mistakes or been assertive enough to express my need to have XYZ included in the new arangement.  I am writting my journal stuff and I have not in my BPD stuff but 'my' life noticed I'm getting a lot more control over those choices and being a lot more honest about the direction I want.  

Has your BPD process changed how you make life choices?  

For me I'm finding outside of that involving her that I cant control I am a lot more balanced than previously,  maybe I'm regaining balance I'm not sure however I am changing for the better.  I think its more honest realistic and positive expectations and thoughts.  

All views appreciated.    I encourage you to go look at your very first few posts to this site.  For me that was an eye opener where I was then and where I am now.  For instance I said, 'I accepted' the diagnosis and all it entailed but I basically had her in my mind 24/7 and kept trying to help or fix her.  Now, I am trying to fix and help myself, I have truelly for the most part accepted it and I'm not fixated on BPD stuff. 

 

I've dug deep into what's really going on with me before, but never to the depth and intensity that I was 'inspired' to after my time in the borderline spin cycle; pain is a very good motivator, and using it to grow makes it useful pain, the gift of the relationship.  I say we don't have faults though, we are not broken, all humans are perfect just the way we are, although sometimes we have disempowering beliefs, values conflicts, wiring that doesn't serve us, but like software it's changeable, change can be scary and difficult, but the right change can upgrade our lives in a big way.




Yes, life seems very different now, not so much how I make life choices, but before that, what the process of making choices comes out of.  I'm much more present and aware now, less naive, less false, and also more selfish, in a good way.  I turned to her to be 'saved', one of the larger mistakes of my life, and although my heart was in the right place, my head didn't have a clue.  So the process has been a coming into myself, a centering, taking care of myself first, for once, because if we don't do that we have nothing to give, and coming from that place my decisions are more grounded and holistic, more in action than reaction, more connected and consistent.  Kinda wish I could have been in this place decades ago, but it takes what it takes and everything happens for a reason, and sometimes our teachers comes very well disguised.

It is still quite early days for me, everything for me happened in such a fast-tracked, whirlwind fashion.  Met him in Feb 2013, married in April 2013, things went from bad to worse in the year, and end of March 2014 he had moved out, and by end of June 2014, we were divorced.

But, I feel that I have been on a crash course of life /  personality disorders / trauma /psychology / myself / my FOO issues / my purpose in this life / my spiritual beliefs.

So yes, I have been rudely awakened.  I was living in a hermetically sealed bubble before I met him.  I think I was trying to protect myself from pain as I was carrying so much unresolved childhood pain around with me.  I can never go into that emotionally blunted bubble ever again. There is no turning back now from the rest of my life!

My life is pretty much the same as before I met him:  same job, same company (been here for close to 16 years), same house, same daily routine.  I need to change some things about how I tend to retreat into isolation and solitude as my default mode, as I think I tend to have somewhat of a schizoid tendency to avoid people, as I feel overwhelmed and ill at ease around many people.  I will always be an introvert, but I do not want to feel so unpractised and ill at ease in the company of most others.

Ihope,

I have found I am passive with everything about my life.  When I try to speak up for my values or my beliefs I get that anxiety feeling.  It is so unnatural to me. 

I have to say, I have a fear of success.   How BPD's have that fear of abandonment and they push you away more and more it isn't the same.  I don't go out and look for things to try and succeed at and then undermine myself I just don't go far out of my comfort zone.  Don't ask me to explain it however I tend to be afraid of succeding I  that new job or succeeding in winning the race if I was in a race! 

These things have been their a long time and changing them, even recognizing them is very important.  Without recognition I would be stuck in the same schema. 

Heeltoheal very insightful what you posted about all being perfect the way we are.  Thank you for that.  It is more of a re-wiring process I have to agree. 

Aussie JJ, it is like you say, awareness is the first step!

 

I am so amazed at the human psyche, how we carry all this unconscious stuff around with us for the longest time, and then it all just gets triggered to such an extent, that we either collapse under the weight of it all, or we wake up to ourselves and start realising what we need to do for ourselves in order to find healing.

Or perhaps it is  a bit of both?  I definitely needed to be pushed so far into a corner, that I started collapsing in on myself, and mercifully I am waking up to a lot of stuff in my unconscious now and trying to work with it and become healthier for it... .

I am still fairly "young" in this recovery / discovery, but I definitely notice a difference within myself. 

I am certainly less passive than I was previously, and I have a rather distinct vision about what I want to be doing and where I want to be.  Before my adventure with BPD, that mythical beast of destruction and rebirth, I just kinda went with whatever flow came my way.  Not much in the way of direction or goals for myself.  But now, I'm all over the direction and goals.  I am motivated and I don't force myself to create, like I was doing the entire four year relationship with my ex.  I allow inspiration to come to me and I do plenty of creative damage lately... .stuff I wasn't trying before, nor was I able to do whilst in the midst of trying to parent / fix / help my significant other.  It's rather freeing, I must say.