Print Page - She's back to work

dBPD fiancé is back to work today, her first day back as a teacher. The guaranteed positives for me:

1) No phone calls and text messages while at work :)

2) Some alone time every morning because she leaves for work before me :)

But other than that, I think the chance of this being a good thing in the long run are 50/50. She's NEVER had a job that she liked and kept more than a year. She ALWAYS has run into trouble with bosses and/or coworkers. She ALWAYS feels overworked, underpaid, and stressed.

Yet, I am hopeful that things will go better this time. Some things that lead me to think that way:

1) I understand BPD better, and am doing my best to create a validating environment.

2) this job will pay her more money.

3) Younger students, smaller school, and a female principal. She seems to have issues with male authority figures. I've also met a few of them, and they seem to be enthusiastic and validating people.

4) She's now lived here for a year. The stress of the new environment will be less.

5) She has a better friendship support network than last year. And I think our relationship feels more secure to her.

6) Therapy. Prior to last summer, she had not been to a therapist in a long time. Actually, then I had assumed her mental health issues were long in her past, not an ongoing struggle. Yet, she hadn't seen a regular therapist in years, and probably should have begun therapy as soon as she returned to the USA. But it was a health insurance issue, and half her urgency in getting the job last year was to get health insurance so she could go to therapy. That alone doomed that job from the start.

7) She seems to have gotten a lot of her anxiety out of her system before school started. I thought this weekend would be hell, but it really was pretty good.

I'll keep my fingers crossed, and do my best to be validating and helpful the next few weeks as she transitions.

Well, I made sure to send her a message as soon as school was over just to gauge how thing went. Her reply "okay". We had therapy immediately after work. I picked her up a drink and a snack to give her as a surprise, because I know how she is always starving and thirsty on the way to therapy (and always has to pee, too, but I can't do anything about that). And the half hour car ride to the therapist office I was sure to validate the hell out of her. I asked details about her day, I was engaging, didn't let her dwell too long on the negatives, and I think it helped. Obviously, she was quite tired from being on her feet all day and from waking up much earlier than normal.

T session was mostly her and the T talking about how school went. That's when things fell apart. She then revealed how she thinks she is a bad teacher, that she didn't feel like she knew what she was doing all day, that she feels she has no confidence in any are of her life, and started crying. T was pretty good at validating her and helping her through. BPD fiance also took time during the session to answer text messages to other teachers and her principal. Clearly, she was not in the mood to sit in the therapists office last night. She said all she wants to do is go home and spend time with me. I guess this was a mini-dissociation episode. Normally we leave T in a better mood. This time, she left in a quiet sad mood, not talking, not energetic about anything, just wanting to go home. One positive is T convinced her to go back to the doctor and go back on antidepressants. I'm thankful for that. I don't want to be in the role of telling her to get on meds - I think that is a risky role for me to be in. But the T made a good argument - she has what she claims to want, yet is still depressed, and that the side effects can be managed.

Overall, her first day was about as good as I can expect. It's pretty clear that I am going to have to take an active role in keeping her going for the next few weeks at least as she gets used to her position. That means, I may have to cancel a mini-vacation I was going to have with my family next month. She's completely fall apart if I left her for a few days. Maybe in a few months things will be better.

Despite her high stress and breakdown in the T office last night, this is MUCH better than last year's first day, when she came home, I asked her how her day went, and she said "Actually, pretty sh--y," Then closed herself in the bedroom for awhile and refused to eat. Last year, the whole school and teaching experience was painted black from the first day. Yesterday, she didn't have things painted black.

Well, here is the approach I am trying. First, I recognize that transition and change are tough for anyone, and magnitudes tougher for pwBPD. They like order, organization, and structure. The "what ifs" and having too many choices are bad news for them. The three pwBPD that I have known in my life react strongly to clutter or not knowing what the future may bring. So, I am attempting to take as much of that away from her for at least the next few weeks as she gets settled in to her job. I do worry about doing too much for her, enabling her, and burning myself out. But much is stuff that I would do for myself anyway if I was single. She may start to feel worthless if I do to much, but its not like she would do those tasks if I didn't do them. She would just shut down.

This means I am:

- trying to take the decision making out of meals for her. Decisions stress her out to the point of dysregulation. That means I cook without asking her what she wants. If we go out, I state first where *I* want to go. If I give her choices, I give her A and B. If I ask her what she wants for dinner - she's lost. If I ask her if she would prefer chicken or tacos, much better.

- doing my best to remove clutter from the house. This means making sure things are in their places, my shoes are in the closet, the trash is taken out, and dishes aren't piled up. Sure, much (or most) of that mess is hers, but if I am diligent at taking care of my end, it gives her less to project onto me.

- listening and validating her day's experiences. She's going to come home complaining about many things that I think are no big deal. I need to be extra careful not to invalidate her.

- I am going to try and distract her so that she does not obsess about work while at home. In the past, I would do my own thing and give her space to do what she needed to do. Now I think I am going to try and do activities that she may want to do with me. So, I may turn the TV on and sit and watch. Bring home movies and say I want to watch them. I think she will choose to relax with me rather than obsess about work. Hopefully we can get to a place where she will do a little bit of work prep, and then I can get her to wind down before bed.

- adjust my sleep schedule to agree with her morning hours.

My hope is that I can help create a little extra structure and stability for awhile until she feels comfortable at her job, and then we can slowly transition her into household responsibilities once she starts feeling better about herself. Given her track record, it won't be long before it falls apart, but I do have hope I can help her avoid that this time. The irony here is, she will often get quite upset and claim people are trying to control her, but in reality being somewhat controlled is exactly what she both wants and needs.

Inquisitive. Yeah, it's a lot. And it feels like a lot. I'm not saying that this is the best course for anyone else or even in my situation. But I look at it like this - many of those things are things I am doing for myself anyway. Take for example being responsible for cooking. When I was single, I managed to do all the cooking for myself, or I went out to eat. It's no extra work on my end to cook for her, too. The only reason it feels like a burden is because she is not sharing that responsibility with me. Its not like I have less free time now because I am doing tasks I was doing anyway. Same goes with cleaning. Of what I mentioned, the biggest changes are all mental - keeping the focus on her for awhile. That's not ultimately healthy in the long term, but if I was going through a big change, I'd want my friends and family to focus on me for awhile as I would not have the capacity to dwell over their needs. So for now, I can justify it. And as mentioned, there is a trade off in that her working means alone time for me in the mornings. And if I can do what I can to make the transition go smoothly for her, perhaps there is a bigger trade off in the future in that I am dealing with a more confident, happier, and more responsible person.

I think you are right in making sure there is structure. Stucture is one thing that is missing from my partners life, and without it everything stalls and I get dragged down with it. So being aware of that and consciously keeping it mind is good.

I am similar with regards to doing stuff that I would have to do anyway if it was just me, and putting aside that sense of injustice about "fair share". Though at times it still crops up and causes a little frustration. but it stays at occasional frustration level rather than simmering resentment. I can cope with that. That is part of radical acceptance. My life is better for it, I feel better for it rather than endless conflict over a point of principle.

Is it enabling? Possibly, as long as you are aware of it and its consequences and they dont bother you then it doesn't matter much. It is about improving your quality of life not trying to badger them into being "normal".

I found that allowing a certain amount of spoiling/enabling I can now do things for myself that even in a "normal" RS would have seemed self indulgent. balance can be found, even if it is a strange balance.

Well, day two was about the same as day one. The fact that it wasn't worse is actually a big positive. Her mood after work was mostly of being tired, but I didn't witness the crying, the self-devaluation, nor the frantic efforts to prep for the next day. She managed to relax some. I think me having dinner ready for her helped.

I asked her about her day, and she said a few things that alarm me. She said she yelled at the students. And then she backtracked and said she was just "stern" with them. I wasn't there to witness it, so I don't really know what she means. I do think she has a potential to be quite mean and not know it, and I do think she has a potential to completely lose her cool and melt down in front of children if he buttons get pushed the wrong way. She said that after school, a student told her it was scary when she yelled. So, I trust that it was somewhere between her being just "stern" and outright yelling. The good thing is that she apparently sees this a wrong and isn't blaming the kids for setting her off. Last year, she would yell, and then justify her actions to me or to her administration. So I see this as positive.

She also mentioned having a breakdown after school was dismissed. I take this to mean one of her self-loathing anxiety attacks that I have witnessed nearly every day for the past 3 weeks. But, she didn't call or text me. Instead, she went to the classroom of another teacher and just chatted with the other teacher about the stress of teaching and shared teaching ideas. She said it helped her calm down. So, the breakdown is not a good thing, but her talking to another teacher, being social, and working through it without me is positive.

Three more days this week. I'm still hopeful that with time she will settle in and things will get easier for her. Realistically, though, it could go either way, and the events over the past few weeks probably indicate the chance of her making it through the school year are low. She still has such a negative attitude about everything, and I think if that doesn't change quickly the other teachers and administration will burn out with her and lose patience, and then things will spiral downward in that negative-reinforcement cycle I saw last year.

An update here - yesterday was day 3. Today is a half day for her, then the second half of the day is for teachers meetings. Yesterday, she had no specific complaints about the day, other than being tired. She did call me right after dismissal, not to discuss anything in particular, but because she missed hearing my voice. That's a troublesome trend, as the week wears on I am hearing more "I miss you" comments, more ":)o you love me? questions, and statements about how we never spend time together anymore. Of course, I have a different take, in that we spend entirely too much time together and she is entirely too dependent on me for entertainment.

Another troublesome trend is that she doesn't want to do anything after work. She doesn't want to go to AA meetings anymore, says she hated them. And when her friend dragged her to a meeting last weekend, she said she would rather stay home and be with me. She also would not have gone to the store the other night had I not gone with her, and would not go out to pick up a prescription last night because I was unavailable to go with her.

A good thing is that the "troublemaking" kid in her class seems to have warmed up to her. this boy talked to the school counselor and revealed that his dad hits his mom. I used that moment to make a statement about how it really messes children up when they witness screaming and violence at home. Perhaps this is a situation that could make her think about the effects of her behavior on others.

It still feels like overall things are going better than last year, but the upramp in neediness has me concerned. Yesterday she has IC, and today is group therapy. At least she is sticking with that. I'm not sure if she's gotten a new prescription for antidepressants yet.

Quote from: maxsterling on August 07, 2014, 11:41:41 AM

A good thing is that the "troublemaking" kid in her class seems to have warmed up to her. this boy talked to the school counselor and revealed that his dad hits his mom. I used that moment to make a statement about how it really messes children up when they witness screaming and violence at home. Perhaps this is a situation that could make her think about the effects of her behavior on others.

I experienced this when my partner had jobs. Its almost as though she has "done her bit". Swapped work "duties" for home 'duties". I think it is hard for them to add to their total effort load without stress cracks showing. You may have to cut some slack for now as the whole novelty of having a job is probably more of a drain than when it is when it becomes "normal'.

If you cut some slack be sure that it is known that it is a temporary accommodation otherwise you set a new precedent. It is hard to find the right balance, but only you can work that out.

Be cautious of any sense of entitlement that can creep in as a consequence of being a work martyr.

Neediness for your company can just be another way of saying she is not really enthused by being at work all day.ie her minds not in it and it doesn't distract her enough. It is a big shift in mindset required and will take time.

When my wife goes off her anti-depressants, things spiral down. Maybe Max's fiance is different, but it might be good to ask about that. I don't think it is a good idea to skip meds when taking on a new major stress.

Good point about trying minimize entitlement. One might try to feather in the responsibilities after a couple of weeks. OTOH, if my wife is working full time, I'm o.k. with doing most of the cooking. I just don't want her isolating in the bedroom all evening. The key things to me would be continuing therapy and AA, and making some contribution around the house.

My wife just went to her first day of work after her leave. I did a number of small but supportive things that she really appreciated (thanks for the inspiration Max). My mood continues to cycle, Tuesday I was very anxious about this, Wednesday calm, Thursday calm then anxious then calm after a bike ride. This morning I feel calm. Ready to see what happens. I'd like to be calm all the time, but not sure how to achieve that.

My wife shows signs of increased stress. More isolating in the bedroom. More complaints of physical illness peaking in a bout of nausea last night while I was out biking. Seems for the last 6 months she's had one physical illness complaint or another almost the whole time. I don't think she's completely making it up, but I do think there's a psychosomatic side to it. I try to be sympathetic, but keep it short, I'm a little burned out on sympathizing with that stuff.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Well, day 4 came and went. I didn't hear from her all day. Since it was a half day, I assumed she would have called or messaged around lunch time. So when she didn't I assumed the worst. After all, that's been the precedence set. So, I was a little nervous to see her when she got home from work, expecting a bad mood.

But... .After school was teacher development, then group therapy. She came home, I had dinner ready, and she was in a good mood. I asked how her day went. She said the schedule for the half day left her confused. She said she played a game with the students. And then she said her instructional coach (faculty member who helps teachers with their curriculum) laid into her. I asked a follow up, and it sounds like the instructional coach was probably trying to motivate her to explore and use her own teaching styles rather than rely on the teaching methods of the other teachers in her grade. Of course, she interpreted the exchange as negative and she said she nearly cried. But the positive is, IT DIDN'T RUIN HER DAY. In the past, something like that and she would have been in anxious tears all night, full of self doubt and self pity.

She did remark about being really tired. She also thanked me for cooking dinner, and told me that it's really been helping her feel stable (the stable framework). She asked if it was causing me stress, to which I replied not now, and that perhaps we can eventually have nights where we order pizza or get take out and that would help me out. I told her that I just want the "what's for dinner?" question to be taken out of her day for now, and that I like cooking.

After dinner she had to do some planning for school, which involved printing up some lessons. And she didn't curse, sigh, slam anything down, or complain. The printer ran out of paper, and she CALMLY asked where more paper was. Much different from the usual, "Ugggh. Damnit! Something is wrong with the printer! I don't see why you can't... .blah blah blah... ." And after she printed up a bunch of stuff, she said "I'M EXCITED!" I asked her what about, and she said "for these lessons!"

Yeah, she had the melt down Monday, and then again Tuesday. And just last Friday she was panicking at school, and two weekends ago was her throwing tantrums on the sofa, hitting herself, and being in a VERY bad place. But honestly, this is the most consistently stable she has been in a whole year. I don't think I have heard her say she was excited about anything in all that time. Once she did say she was happy. Once. And you would think I would be happy about all this, but I feel weird. Like I don't trust it. Or like I had gotten so used to her negativity that a more positive attitude just seems foreign. I've had this feeling before when she has a good week or when she is out doing something else. I put so much energy into her moods sometimes, that when that element is gone, I don't know who I am anymore or what the relationship is based on.

I think you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everyone has ups and downs. pwBPD the downs are more difficult. Ideally, you'd be able to enjoy this up time without the weird feeling, while at the same time realizing there are likely to be rough patches again in the future.

Maybe the therapy she's had this year plus the ongoing support from you has helped her get to a better place.

Having a job is an important part of self-definition and self-esteem, so that may help as well.

On to my news... .my wife was fired. She is upset--everyone gets upset when fired--but taking it reasonably well. Actually, it's a little unclear if she's been fired, the language was a bit different and maybe she's been told that she has to leave. The woman who supervises my wife said they might continue to work in a consultative capacity. My wife dismissed this b/c she is understandably angry. I suggested a couple of times that she should consider it. If she continues to consult with this woman, she will have control over what her professional contacts are told and it may make it easier to find another job. First time I suggested it, she completely dismissed. A bit later it came up again and she seemed to listen. Later, new information arose that made it seem like an even better idea, so I mentioned it again, that's when she started getting irritated with me. But I backed off and she was o.k. with it.

All along I made it clear that I would respect whatever decision she made. I totally get that this would be a difficult thing to do and feel good about. Tough to walk in there the first time after you were pushed out and feel good about it. But, the upsides are substantial. It is very difficult for me to see a really good path for her to take, and not be sure if she understood it, and realize she probably won't take it.

Interesting, inquisitive, what reason did they give for letting her go? Missing too many days? Poor job performance? I think you mentioned she was on an extended leave, but they let her go as soon as she got back? Are you happy they let her go?

When my fiancé was hospitalized last summer, she burned through all her sick and vacation time. She could have potentially gone back to work after being discharged, but I think everyone agreed that was a bad idea. The school district told her she could apply for an unpaid leave of absence and that would have to be approved by the school board. So, I helped her draft a letter, but the school board eventually denied her request. I think in some ways she was glad she was denied, and I was too, because I know the stress of working was killing her (before she voluntarily went to the hospital, I was considering seeing if I could have her involuntarily committed, or legally removed from my house because her behavior seemed so dangerous). She was also denied her short term disability claim under preexisting conditions, which she expected, but still made her feel hopeless. Part of the problem was that she could not even talk to the HR people calmly, she would scream and curse at them and they would hang up on them. So she gave them permission to talk to me, and all this was handled through me.

Now that I've thought about it more, I think my mood is mostly do to not trusting that this will last. I've noticed that many of my thoughts the past few days are along the lines of, "okay, she's in a good mood, but we still haven't resolved this, or that, and this major issue is still looming." I start to worry about those discussions that have been put off because I was more concerned with immediate crises. The reality is that two weeks ago I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance or take her back to the hospital, so I wasn't worried about money, a wedding, etc. I was worried about how I would survive that day. So, on one hand things have emotionally been better the past few days, yet my logical brain says "woah... ."

I really don't think I am one of those people that gets validation from helping others, but at least subconsciously that has been my role of caretaker and with that role removed, I feel a little lost. Probably like my grandfather felt when my grandmother died of Alzheimer's. It's a simple matter of my routine getting changed. And I think that is the other part of my discomfort.

I'm going to do my best and enjoy this peace while I can, and not have any expectations about it lasting. I was thinking this morning, that yesterday I don't recall any negative comments from her except, "I'm tired". No comments about things I am doing wrong. No cursing, blaming, none. It's been over a year since that happened. I used to count the number of negative comments she made each day, and I think I considered it a good day if it was less than 10. And so far today I haven't heard anything negative. I remember the first 2 months of this relationship she seemed so positive and hopeful about everything. After that, it's been 90% negative comments from her.

She did just call and try and convince me to leave work early. Her school is having a social event after school that she was invited to, but now she says she doesn't want to go. I suppose it's up to her. She claims she is too tired, but I think it is a mix of social anxiety, extreme attachment to me, and the fact that the social event is at a restaurant where people will be drinking. And that means she may be asked to answer why she doesn't drink, and I know she tries to hide her past, and I think that is a root of much of her social anxiety. But - I think it would be good for her to go and socialize with the other teachers and staff. If she is the only one that doesn't go, that may not be viewed well, and may impact her relationships at work. I worry that this is another example of her isolating herself - a potentially destructive BPD trait.

You seem to have done a good job exploring the sources of the weird feeling. Hopefully, that insight allows you to put the weird feeling aside a bit more easily... .it often does for me.

Regarding not going where people are drinking, my wife gives the same reason for not attending social functions. I was so grateful when she stopped drinking I never questioned it. I may start rethinking that a bit, but that's a pretty good excuse as excuses go.

At most events, you can keep your non-drinking on the down low by simply ordering nonalcoholic drinks. One sober friend of mine sometimes asks to see the beer list, but then orders a soda. But then there are those people who pressure my wife to drink. "Are you sure you don't want a glass of wine." On the inside she's like "hell yeah", but she still manages to say no.

I'm a bit frustrated at the moment--not knowing her status with her old job. She clearly is ending work there, but we don't know if she's fired or resigning. Would be nice to have gotten to the bottom of that.

As to why she was fired/asked to resign... .I think her BPD play a role, but her boss also seems like a jerk. She did do some great things while she was there... .she talented. Ah well, I'm just going to try to be o.k. with not knowing much about it for the weekend. Try to have a good weekend.

She calmer now that its over, but a little clingy and hyper sensitive.

Maybe this'll all look better with a good night sleep.

Well, the negativity is creeping back in. Last night, we elected to go out for dinner. When the place we intended to go was too crowded, she asked what else I wanted, and I challenged her to make the decision (for once). She didn't like that. I quickly suggested a thai place near us. Afterwards, she said she didn't like her meal and kept commenting that she felt "disgusting". She also got frustrated at another driver in a parking lot for not stopping for her to back out, yet he had the right of way. And later, I overheard her on the phone with a friend. She told the friend she skipped the social event because of the drinking (as I suspected). Also in overhearing the conversation, I realized once again that her interpretation of events somehow goes through a filter. I'm not sure if that filter is just when talking to others, or if she actually believes that version of events. It was one of those things where she was telling the friend that she had to let someone go because the other person had too many issues, when I'm sure the opposite was probably true.

I do wonder if too much therapy or 12-step meeting can be a bad thing. Sometimes she will go on and on about people not "validating" her. I wonder if too many years of therapy she took the wrong way, and now blames her troubles on people not being validating enough.

While I still think her approach and stress management is much better than with her last two jobs, cracks are starting to show now and I fear a big dysregulation is likely soon. The good things I notice are that she is capable of actually talking about having a wedding without completely collapsing with stress, and we were able to have dinner with her dad and step mom last night and she was social with them without the complete nervous breakdown afterwards. Those are things she would not have been capable of at all a few months ago. I've also noticed that a few things have happened at her job that last year would have sent her spiraling downward, but right now she seems to be processing them okay.

The "cracks" I see include her comments towards her co-workers. They are getting increasingly negative towards the other teachers in her grade, telling me flat out this morning that she doesn't like them and doesn't want to have lunch with them anymore. Interestingly, last night she told me that she feels ashamed of herself because she tells her co workers too much personal information. I asked her what kind of information, and it's just basic stuff about where she is from and her family, how she met me, things like that. So this seems to be a classic BPD - she is now wanting to pull away from them because they are getting too close. She was also supposed to administer a standardized test yesterday, and she says she was given poor instructions that she didn't understand. That may be true (likely, actually), but troubling is that she says this means she is in a "hostile" work environment (her word), which implies to me that she thinks the other teachers don't like her and intentionally didn't giver her proper instruction. But knowing her (and BPD), she gets extremely frustrated easily if she feels instructions are unclear or disorganized. The fault is not in the instructions, but in that she feels anxiety over the task to begin with, and she just can't concentrate on what is being asked of her. This morning she was about half an hour later leaving the house because she woke up late and sat on the sofa complaining for awhile, then told me that she doesn't want to go to work.

If she doesn't stem the tide soon, I anticipate bad things before the end of the week or next week. I anticipate a melt down over the wedding, with her claiming I don't care or that she is doing all the work. Maybe I can help things along a bit by continuing to make dinner, and keeping up that "stable framework." It would probably also help if I did some kind of research regarding wedding ideas and presented them to her before she starts dysregulating over that.

@waverider - Well, I'm trying to put no pressure on her to stick it out. As far as I am concerned, she was fine just staying on disability. But I am caught in a weird place where even if I don't put pressure, she will find a way to blame me for it. It could get turned around with her blaming me for not searching for a higher paying job and forcing her back to work. And on the flip side, if she fails she might blame me for not pressuring her enough. Just like she implied that I need to pressure her to go to the gym or exercise, otherwise she won't do it. I think the best course of action here is to take care of myself, do what is right, and deal with the blame when and if it happens.

As for the coworkers - yeah, that is what happens. They pick up on her negative attitude, they become negative towards her, that makes her more negative towards them, and so on and so forth. Rationally, she knows this happens. Emotionally, she can't seem to stop it. The sad thing is, she is doing a good job, yet she doesn't feel that she is.

Quote from: maxsterling on August 12, 2014, 05:58:22 PM

Kind of sums up the frustration and hopelessness of trying to help a pwBPD in their ventures.

You are right, just look after yourself stay grounded, what happens is out of your hands, stay out of the blame game and finger pointing.

Remember how hard this was to deal with when you had no idea about BPD?

Well, she's devolved into vocalizing that she hates her co-workers. I asked if she just hates the others in her grade, or all of them. She replied "they all just seem out for themselves." Yep, that's life (of course I didn't say that!). This morning, she learned a co-worker had called in sick, and was mad, saying "She's not sick, I should be the one calling in sick! I feel like calling in now!" Sick=too stressed out. She can always find something wrong with her, and with me just being sick, she wants to be sick so she can stay home with me. She canceled therapy last night because she was "too sick". Not a good sign. Reality? She knew I was home, would rather be home with me. And last night she told me that she doesn't want to work anymore and doesn't want any other person in her life besides me. She's half joking, but there is some seriousness to that because that is the way she feels. I'd have tried working with her on that using validation, but I was half asleep.

I prepared a breakfast for her to go this morning, because it took her an hour and a half after her alarm went off to get her out of bed. That's probably enabling, but if I don't do that, I don't get my morning free time.

Quote from: maxsterling on August 14, 2014, 08:50:34 AM

The frustrating part is you could have written this post a week ago ready to post today.

Do you think she will get past this or crumble?

waverider - A week ago - I could have written this post a month ago. Or several months ago. Even more sad is that she could have predicted this several months ago. Patterns are patterns. This is what happened with her last job. And the one before that. And the one before that... .

Will she get past this or crumble? Odds strongly favor crumble. Can she get past this? Absolutely. She's still doing much better with this job than she did at the last two after the same period of employment. After two weeks at the previous jobs, she had NOTHING positive to say.

I still think that if I can help her get through the first two months, she will settle down. I think some of her past failures had to do with her having no support or no reason to try (improving herself for her own sake is not a motivating factor for her). But I think to get her through means she can't give up on therapies, which she has started to do . We'll see if she actually goes to the doctor and group therapy tonight.

Well, I halfway expected this to be the breakdown day considering her attitude last night and this morning. She just called to tell me she isn't going to group therapy tonight. That's a bad sign - but, she was in a decent mood when she called, and said she just got out of the doctors office where she was prescribed both an anti-anxiety and an anti-depressant. That's a good thing. not that she hasn't gone that route before, but she quit antidepressants a few months ago, and is not trying them again based upon the urging of our T. That means, she isn't giving up. I'm a little worried about the anti-anxiety given her history of drug abuse and her involvement in 12-step programs whose members tend to get in each other's business and may convince her to stop her meds. Then again, her anxiety is crippling, and makes her effectively low functioning, both in the relationship and in life. So she needs something.

BTW, she's not going to group because she said the dr appointment ran late. She had enough time to go to group if she really wanted to, but I guess it was not that important.

Well, she was in an okay mood after work. She was kinda annoyed that I was still feeling ill and out of it. Not much I can do about that. I do wish she would recognize I am not feeling well and do a little to take care of me. Such as - not asking me questions about things that are really unimportant for today, taking care of herself regarding her own dietary needs, and not complaining about things. Probably should not expect much from a pwBPD, and just be thankful she is not screaming at me for being sick this time.

On the job front, a student's parents came to talk to her after school because the student had complained to his parents that she had screamed in class and that upset him. The student was crying. My fiance talked to the parents and the student and calmed them down, saying that sometimes she raises her voice when kids are acting out but she doesn't hate them or think they are bad kids. She had complaints like this at her last job. And firsthand I know how scary her raised voice is. So I don't doubt that she scared and upset the student. My fiance doesn't realize how hurtful she is being with just her "raised voice", because most people would think that was full blown yelling. And her screaming is enough to make your ears ring in pain for several days. I know.

Quote from: maxsterling on August 15, 2014, 09:37:06 AM

On the job front, a student's parents came to talk to her after school because the student had complained to his parents that she had screamed in class and that upset him. The student was crying. My fiance talked to the parents and the student and calmed them down, saying that sometimes she raises her voice when kids are acting out but she doesn't hate them or think they are bad kids. She had complaints like this at her last job. And firsthand I know how scary her raised voice is. So I don't doubt that she scared and upset the student. My fiance doesn't realize how hurtful she is being with just her "raised voice", because most people would think that was full blown yelling. And her screaming is enough to make your ears ring in pain for several days. I know.

I can see how difficulties with moderation and regulation can be a serious problem in the teaching profession. Kids will pick up on that and reputation for it will quickly spread

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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: maxsterling on August 04, 2014, 01:45:53 PM