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Going to meeting with L tomorrow to plan strategy for first mediation meeting.  I realize that mediation isn't going to work.  But at least when we go to court I can say I tried.  I have four minor children at home.  Still living with udBPD.  I don't work, am basically disabled (but unable to collect disability) and have about $300 to my name, before I go to the grocery store tonight.  I have been a sahm for 18 years and only worked part time before that.

The question is the marital residence.  I am going to ask to stay in residence and split mortgage so the children can stay in their home.  udBPD has a very large income.  I am expecting a livable monthly alimony payment after 21 years of marriage.  I know he won't agree.  He has repeatedly told me to leave saying he will give me $400/month and a 20 year old car.  He cleaned out our accounts.  I have discovered he has very large sums of money in accounts I didn't know about when everything began to unravel last year.  

So one of his biggest issues is money.  For ten years he has done almost no home maintenance.  We have one bathroom that is unusable due to plumbing problems.  There are two large trees in the back yard that are dead with about a 50/50 chance of falling on the house at anytime.  We have a large crawl space that is accessible through a garage door.  We keep lawn equipment and bikes in it.  The door is rotted and won't lock.  Last year the kids all had their bikes stolen.  I did manage a remodeling job about four years ago.  I had a new roof on and a/c units.  I haven't been able to do yard work for about 5 years.  The landscaping in the yard looks terrible.  I'm not talking about just messy, more like unpassable jungle.  I'm just worried that these and many other small issues will bring down the value of the house when it is appraised.  In addition to the maintenance issues is the large amount of trash lying around the house/property such as broken lawn equipment, old paint, old bikes. Enough of the rant.

How would you handle the house situation?  I am going to need all the cash I can get.  If I do get to stay in the house how should I handle getting repairs/maintenance paid for?  I know I need to ask the L about all of these things.  I am working with co counsel tomorrow.  The woman is inexperienced and has the personality of a break.  No determination or creativity.

First, a house is a house, Home is where you live.  Do you see the difference?  Does that make sense?  Don't stay in a house just so the kids don't have to move, especially if it is in disrepair and he has substantial money squirreled away in accounts who knows where.  Kids can adjust to moves, millions do it every year.  If you saddle yourself with a problem house and a mortgage you can't afford, your noble efforts for the kids to stay can sabotage you long term.  Possibly the children would love starting anew in a house where new memories can be created.

By the way, if you're SAHM and probably can't work, how would you be able to pay half the mortgage anyway?

Regarding mediation, good that you know it probably won't succeed, however it sounds like you're pondering offering your best offer first.  That's not how mediation and negotiation works, not when dealing with pwBPD or pwNPD, a slick character who is trying to hide assets while not making repairs, etc.  Understand that he will take your initial position and try to make it even worse.

You may need an expert to ferret out all his accounts, a forensic accountant or Special Master.  This will take time, possibly even a court order to get one assigned. Unless you can get a really good deal in mediation, I would recommend you not to accept a mediocre or lousy offer from him.  In our sort of cases the only realistic negotiations occur at the last minute "on the court house steps" just before a major hearing or trial, usually nearer the end of the divorce process than at the beginning.

Forever Dad,

thanks for the reply.  Your right.  I am hung up on the house.  I moved 7 times in 10 years for his job.  I just hate the idea of moving again. 

I have been reading case files from my state.  In past cases sahm's after a 20 year marriage have been awarded 28% of gross income in alimony.  If I receive even 15% of his gross income it will be more than he has given me to live on and pay all the bills while married.

What do you mean by "offering my best offer first?" 

I plan to talk to the L about a forensic accountant.  He is already withholding documents that I know of.  I can only imagine what he has that I don't even know about.  I'm sure it will required a court order to get all of his financial records.

Thanks again for the response.  At least I know I'm sorta headed in the right direction.

Can you seriously consider moving just one last time into something at least functional?  Believe me, unless he is required to make the repairs and the repairs would make the house into a decent place to live that you feel good in, you'll be glad you moved and got a fresh start.


Sounds like you're in 'victim' mode.  Are you seeing a counselor to free you from the target/victim patterns that you suffered with for all these years?

Yes, you need a bare minimum of support, but demand at least the standard outcome.  You're more likely to walk away, either by agreement or court order, with a standard outcome if you don't tell him you'll be satisfied with mere crumbs.


He will obstruct as much as he can, even in ways you can't imagine now, expecting you'll be intimidated and accept mere crumbs of what is standard, typical and fair.  Be aware that court is not there to enforce real fairness.  Yes, there are rules, policies and financial calculators that will work in your favor but if you fail to take advantage of them and do your best to get a decent and fair deal, court will let it happen.

So when you discuss with your lawyer about what you need as a bare minimum, make sure it stays confidential between you and your lawyer, not a whisper should go to your spouse, his lawyer or his advocates.  If anything, ask for a little more than the normal outcome so you can be able to have it reduced a little and still come out with a decent outcome.  Remember, it's not just for you, it's for the children too.

This case is likely to be a high conflict one.  Can your lawyer handle high conflict, obstructive, nearly intractable cases?  If he or she is just a paper pusher, form filer and hand holder, then you need one better, one who is proactive and has experience, a good strategy and can step up and get it done.

Essential handbook:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  And it is inexpensive, found on either author's site and also sold online book sellers such as Amazon, etc!