BPDFamily.com

Hi All:

Summer has come and gone for me, with her laying in bed too frozen to do any major house cleaning as she finishes her outpatient program on Wednesday. 

Have had lots of drama, consisting of her threatening to relapse, because I was setting boundaries:  went to see my S10 at Summer Camp for visitors weekend WITHOUT HER.  The very next weekend drove with D9, in the car 9 hrs to see my aging Mom for the weekend, again without HER. 

Trying MC again, but today she was all narcissistic, so we got nowhere.

So NAMI has invited me to participate in the Family Connections class, which consists of 10 Saturdays for 2 hours. 

Already the threats are being lobbed like surface to air missles:  You go to the class and the marriage is over.

You know what, I've developed hypertension, I got three little kids, and have basically run the whole house for years.  I'm actively looking for afternoon babysitters to take her place.  She just can't be a housewife, and I do not mean to offend any women members.  It's just I do all the cooking, our laundry, the kitchen, making time for the kids, and repair work.

So I have invited her to bail at any time she wants.  "You would give up the marriage over this class?"

She serves up Fear, Control and Shame as her reasons for why going to this class would have upon her.  Nothing about our kids.    It's like she is in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles and she is grinning a big smile because it's all HER. "We will be fighting every weekend you attend that class." 

So why do I feel more depressed than ever?

I think I am afraid of failure.  I never will marry again.  I am in too much pain just thinking about these years. And what I was able to harness I am loosing control over.  I really don't want to rage.  I am feeling anxious and depressed and want to yell and cry at the same time.  Listening to one of my favorite singers, Nat King Cole, is just overwhelming me .  I'll never have those experiences of love.