BPDFamily.com

Hello bpdfamily,

Its been a while since I've talked to my exBPDgf since she dumped and discarded me, exactly 6 months of N/C. Time started slow, and for some reason it sped up, and I'm doing better but I do have periods of being down, the most recent being when I had accidentally seen a picture of her.

I recently got a new job working hundreds of miles away in a much bigger city than the small town that my ex and I used to live in. I had been avoiding the usually places since I didn't want to see her at all (unhealthy?) because the town was so small, but now I can finally have a way out in this new city. However, what bothers me is when we were together, I always told her I wanted to move to this city, and she perhaps mirroring me, said she wanted and couldn't wait as well. When the b/u first happened, I was torn to pieces and wanted nothing to just move back closer to my family, but 5 months later I was offered a job in the place that I originally wanted to go. I wanted to go here because of the tremendous opportunity here, and its so easy to find jobs and transfer to another job and advance in your career where I will be. To be honest, I just got this new job but its like a foot in the door, and I might find myself in another better job in a year or so just because the opportunity for advancement is so readily available.

So, what I'm getting at is that I believe I'm making this move to this new city for myself, to advance my career and get where I want to be. It was always my goal or desire to be there, but it was ALSO something I shared so CLOSELY and dearly with my exBPDgf. I can't shake the feeling that I'm leaving/moving to prove something to her, almost like I want her to find out I moved to the place we shared a love of and maybe she'll come back (how sick is that, after everything she's done)? I don't know what's wrong with me, I have this lingering thought of that in my head, though she probably has no idea I'm moving since we've been 6 months NC but will eventually find out.

I WANT to believe I'm doing it for myself, but I don't know if subconsciously (or on some level) I'm doing it for a different reason, to prove something to her, because she said that I'm afraid of being alone, but now I'm moving to a big city all alone. I mean WHY DOES SHE HAVE THIS INVISIBLE CONTROL OVER ME, even after so long of not a peep to one another! I don't want to make this about her in any form WHATSOEVER, I don't want it to be about me running away, and I don't want it to be about my trying to prove something to her! It makes no sense, and even something good that happens to me FINALLY somehow gets screwed up by my thoughts of her.

Hi Dillan6241 - you are doing it for yourself. Deep down you need to break away. My experience is altogether different. my BPD woman pursued me because I was married - but I never gave into a physical affair. We became friends and I really only saw the soft side of her - never witnessing the bad side until just recently when I learnt she had pursued other men at our work with the same approaches. I went from feeling unique to her and special in her eyes to just some married guy she was trying to get to cheat. She claimed that she hated married men who cheat, but yet she tried to get me to have an affair. Ultimately, she was trying to discredit me in her eyes. I confronted her about what I knew about her past and she discarded me. I have no regrets about confronting her because I am who I am. Yet, it's strange - losing the friendship is what's best for me - but also difficult to think we'll never speak again.

It's odd - because I know exactly what you're feeling about seeing her picture. I blocked my BPD woman from Facebook so that I never have to see or hear anything about her - but still, when I check my friends FB pages and I accidently come across a picture of her, I get anxious and don't know what to make of the anxiety. I've been in NC for 3+ months now and like you I have good days and bad days. This anxiety was never there until I confronted her with what I knew and she broke away. However, I think my feelings are based on the realization that it was all about the manipulation. I've always been able to identify those people I should avoid - but this one managed to make me feel unique and special in her eyes. The hurt about what I learnt is not something I've experienced before.

You need to totally disconnect for a while - even if its just a visual disconnection - meaning: block her from social media, get rid of pictures and mementos. This wasn't just any girlfriend of yours - it was someone who had a hold of you. Breaking away visually will help. You'll still feel and have days where it's difficult, but the act of physically disconnecting will help.

Also, BPDs tend to project their feelings onto their chosen targets or partners. Her statement that you don't want to be alone is indicative of herself likely never wanting to be alone. Mine claimed that she never thought of the past - yet she kept asking for my phone number every time we came across each other - trying to get me to reach out to her. Life happened as she wrote to me - really? then why do you always ask for my number when I never ask for yours.  The best way to declare your independence is to break away entirely - showing yourself that you can do it and never responding to another email, call of hers. 

I say it doesn't matter if you moved and got a new job as a distraction from her and the relationship or to prove something to her.  The point is you did it, and what was once a distraction or a proving yourself will become your new life.  One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, start to shift the focus from the past to the future, and one day you'll wake up and realize you've created a new situation that empowers you, you're excited about it, and you pretty much never think about her anymore.  Good for you for taking the steps!  And it takes what it takes.


What if nothing is wrong with you and you're just going through the standard phases of grief?  And borderlines have a habit of avoiding responsibility by blaming everything on us, and we sometimes buy into it for a while; could that be part of this?


Could that be more projection on her part, because she's the one who is afraid of being alone, so she assigns those feelings to you to feel better?  Borderlines typically don't do alone well at all.  Plus, you did it anyway; courage is not the absence of fear, it's action in the face of fear.  Good for you.


I don't know about you, but I was having two relationships with my ex, the one in my head and the real one.  The one in my head was a fantasy fueled by my hopes and dreams, and it was really, really awesome, and the real one was a fcked up hell full of disrespect, devaluation, and abuse.  Untangling that mess had to be job one initially, but I realized that when I left I took the fantasy with me, it was alive and well and living in my head, and the bulk of detachment was realizing that and digging into the beliefs around it, reframing it, realizing it for what it was, and really had nothing to do with her at that point.  Any of that speak to you? 

The way I see my situation is that the plans for my life hasn't changed apart from her not being part of them anymore. I am on the right path and my goal is clear so I have no reason to change any of that. Emotional turmoil aside it's business as usual.

If the job you were aiming for back then has now fallen into your lap I'd recommend you go for it. It'll take you away from her and her potential for extended harm. You'll be meeting lots of new people which will bring plenty of personal and professional opportunities for you. That in itself should help you get perspective and take your mind off things. With the added benefits of having taken a giant leap in your career.

Who cares if it's partly to punish her or not? At least don't punish yourself by remaining in the same old place because of her. Looks to me like fate/God/luck or whatever people would choose to call it has made an opening in the fence for you.

@Riggins4210

Yes, the picture thing is odd because having gone no NC and not having seen/talked/heard from her in so long, it was almost like this person didn't exist (wouldn't that be nice?). Then when I saw the picture, it made me realize at a pure physical level of attraction why I originally got with her. She is actually very pretty, but there's a price that comes with it and I ignored every single damn red flag. Feel so stupid.

I have cut EVERYTHING out, but somehow this one slipped through the cracks on Google+, which I don't ever use, but hey at least I found at she was on there and promptly blocked her. The NC and complete disconnect does help, just it annoys me that some of my personal life I have to share with our mutual contacts and that leaks to over to her in some fashion, like moving away.

@fromheeltoheal

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words. I'm hoping to start a new life, I've been stuck in this rut for too long now in this stupid town. Its funny, my exBPDgf has one of those ricer cars with a big loud muffler, but hers had a very distinct sound because of the type of exhaust she was using. I was at work and my office (well old office) is on the top of a hill, and my heart sank into my stomach so fast when I thought I heard the sound of her car coming up the hill. I literally just froze, then the car came up and it wasn't her, though it was the same exact type just a different color with the same type of aftermarket exhaust. I just felt so stupid and silly, and my hands were shaking a bit afterwards. My T says its a type of trauma response, which is why I reacted the way I did.

I didn't think of the 'afraid of being alone' part being projection. I guess it would be, because she is deadly afraid of being alone /w herself. Even when at home alone, she has to have some kind of communication with ANYONE via social media. I remember one time she sent me a sad message on FB when she was having a hard time, and I thought well she reached out to me. Nope, I wasn't special, later I found out that even though she was having a hard night, she reached out to at least two other guys via social media to get their sympathy.

Yes, a lot of your last part does speak to me. I was constantly conflicted during the relationship, I knew what my mind said and it was ALL wrong, but my heart/emotions wouldn't give way whatsoever. To be honest, I knew she had issues, but I was so addicted, so drawn into everything, I honestly never would have been able to leave her. But now that she's gone, its a shame because all I can remember is the 'fantasy,' the good times and this life she said she wanted. I remember one time just shopping at Toys-R-Us for Christmas for siblings that we saw the baby side, and she immediately grabbed me and brought me to this crib and we got swept into designing our baby's room. She wanted to have a family so bad at that point that she would say "lets make a baby" and was serious about it, like without getting married first (I'm traditional person)! Crazy making, because then she tells me "Oh that's not what I wanted." What a complete mind___. But yes, I'm still stuck in the fantasy of what we could have been (my emotions) vs. my mind saying you just dodged a bullet.

@Mr Hollande

No, I can't remain in the same old place because its not where I want to be, plus living in this town always on edge is stressing me out WAY too much. Also, I can't change my plans for my future just because of some emotional ___, even though I was so close to drastically changing my life because of some little BPD girl. I have to move forward, and now God has finally presented me with that opportunity. I believe everything happens for a reason, and to be honest, I'm glad my exBPDgf broke up with me when she did. If we had moved like we planed and we got married etc, she eventually would have left because nothing I could have done could save the mess that was there. That would have broken me and my new job, not to mention financially. I'm not completely healed, but the 6 months since the b/u has given me the exact amount of time to take control and literally get back on track in my career completely without her. Maybe He has something planned in this new city, because everywhere else I went I was NOT accepted for certain jobs in other cities that I had wanted to go to, but then something literally falls on my lap in the exact place I had always wanted to go, even before her. I guess things couldn't have happened any differently... .

That's the part about their impulsiveness that draws you in. Healthy people think about what they say - at least most of the time. Having a baby is a serious decision - yet, my BPD woman wrote to me "I wish you and I were working on our own little ones". The rest of us would never do that - but they lack "brakes" to stop them from saying something that might ensnare us. They get so caught up in the moment, excited and want to share what they think that they don't stop to think what the consequences are of what they're saying.

Don't be too hard on yourself for suddenly getting anxiety when you see or are reminded of her. At first, I couldn't even see a picture of my BPD without getting anxiety. Then, last night, I saw her on a friend's FB picture (even though I blocked her it doesn't block any image if they aren't identified in them) - so, I've learnt something new about what to avoid. Yet, it didn't get to me as much as it did earlier on.

It's strange - it never bothered me much before I confronted her. I could see a picture of her and smile. However, once I learnt just how bad her manipulation and lies were, and confronted her on it and dealt with the end of everything, I suddenly got these feelings of shame and anxiety whenever I thought about her or saw a picture of her. I think that anxiety has to do with being deceived & manipulated - the guilt of having been sucked into this thing when I have so often avoided people like this in the past.

Ultimately, I feel I was duped and that's not easy to accept = hence the anxiety I feel at times.

You're doing great. Everyone tells me it gets better over time. But, they've told me to "feel it" and not suppress it. So, that's what I am trying to do  :)