BPDFamily.com

Hi my husband has now totally ignored me for 16 days!  I triggered him 16 days ago because I told him I missed him because we don't seem to get any time together.  He has slept in the spare room every night since then, we have ate separately every night, not even exchanged one word!

It's so difficult, this is the longest ST I've known, 5 - 10 days is the norm.  So last week I went out one night, only for a couple of hours and got a barrage of nasty texts but when I returned he didn't want to talk. 

I just don't know where to turn, I'm trying to look after myself and not get dragged down and some days I succeed, others I just feel so down.  If he wants to leave me, why doesn't he go, we don't have children together, there is no reason why he can't just walk out if the door.

Is 16 days if ST normal? 

I am sorry Sadsue - that must be really frustrating.

Is it normal?  There is no real normal in BPD, unfortunately.  I can say this is not the first or last long period of silent treatment by a member.


Oh, if it were only this simple.  This is a control issue, nothing more or less.

Question - do you believe he is still triggered from the original event or do you think he has calmed, but making a point by being in control?

Have you considered using DEARMAN to ask for what you need?  Do you know what you need from him?

Hi, thanks for your reply.  In answer to your question I do think he is still angry at the original trigger, I have never witnessed anyone else who can hold on to anger like him.  I am a good wife but he sees me as the enemy, but I also think he sees it as a way of being in control.  Our problem is that issues never ever get resolved.  Normally after his ST he just walks in one day and is suddenly ok again, I never raise the issue because I am so relieved to get back to 'normal'.

What hurts me more than anything is his interpretation of my intentions.  I can ask what he wants for tea and in his mind he hears, you will sit here and have tea with me!  I can ask what he would like to watch on tv and he hears, you will sit here with me now! 

He seems to think I am controlling him, telling him what to do, I know I am one of the most selfless person I know, I don't complain when he goes to the pub nearly every night, or the fact he gets in from work and chooses to sit alone in another room, that I do all the housework and garden.  I rarely ask him to do anything for me because I don't want to add to his stress even though I work as many hours a week as he does.

I've got to the stage where I'm scared to speak to him because of the way he sees everything I say as negative.  I literally walk on eggshells 24/7.  He has admitted nothing makes him happy, he is so angry at the world yet blames me for everything.  He takes money out of our joint account because he feels as though this isn't his home, he never asks about my day, he says he needs nobody in his life because he isn't 'a social retard that needs someone'.  Why does he see loving someone as a flaw?

I just want a normal marriage, I don't want us to be joined at the hip but in the last 3 months he has only slept in our bed 10 night, 10 nights!  We recently went on holiday, we had a lovely day,a few drinks and I was feeling affectionate so went to sit on his knee, he pushed me away, I asked why he doesn't want to be affectionate with his wife, he then didn't speak to me for the whole holiday!  He now says my neediness ruined the holiday!   Am I abnormal, I'm beginning to wonder?

I asked how he was and if he wanted to talk tonight, he said he was feeling fantastic and did not want to talk to me, he repeated this statement twice so I walked away, now sobbing alone in my bed :-(

How can I put an end to this?  It's killing me inside!

I am so sorry - I know this is hard.

Do you have a T of your own?

The thing is, he is getting a reaction from you - he feels he has control.  Do you have a friend you can go visit - get out of the silent zone for a while?

i agree with 'seeking balance',i think it might be his way of getting a reaction out of you.

unfortunately though,i dont think i have been silent treated enough to give good enough advice,but this is what i think.perhaps you could go out and have a good time with some friends,even if he sends you bad texts,let him,you need to relax and get out of feeling miserable,also,if you go out and enjoy for a bit and act as if the silent treatment doesnt bother you,like acting calm and friendly to him (extremely hard i know) he might realize that you care for him but the silent treatment isnt working to get a reaction,that should stop a full blown dysfunction from him along with letting him know that you wont be targeted with ST? sound like anything good?

when i say something like this to my partner,it triggers him too,i say i'd like you to spend more time with me,what he hears is 'you are failing in our relationship,youre a failure,youre keeping me unhappy,in order for me to love you,you need to do certain things (i.e spending more time with me,'' which makes him feel dispensable.

we're all in it together

hope you feel better 

Dear SadSue - I am so sorry for the emotional abuse you're suffering right now. Over the years I went through this pain several times - and I remember how hurt I felt.   

I just wanted the emotional pain to stop.

What helped me (along with this BPD Family) was to educate myself on emotional abuse and controlling men. Once i could see the abuse, I started to heal.

Quicksilver Girl

Thanks for your support, I think you're right he is trying to provoke a reaction, the reason I think he does this is because deep down I think he realises he is treating me badly, but of course could never admit to being in the wrong and could never ever apologise.  So instead he tries to push my buttons to make me angry and therefore he can turn it around on me, make me look like the bad guy, which relieves his guilt.

It's now 18 days, I'm not going to approach him again, I've tried a couple of times only to be rejected, never has a ST lasted this long before, but now it's up to him to reach out.  I won't let him see how his ST is getting to me, I will go out for the day tomorrow, treat myself to a trip to the city and some retail therapy. 

Feeling a bit better today

Glad you are a bit better today.

DEARMAN - this is the format recommend for talking about your needs.  Perhaps practice here, so when the opportunity arrives, you can give yourself the best opportunity to be heard.

Well I'm pleased to say he is in our bed tonight, no physical contact but the is first time in 18 nights we've shared a bed.

I am very guarded and don't know how tomorrow will pan out but for tonight I will sleep.

Just why did you allowed him back in your bed. 

Seems like an apology was in order first, after 18 days. This is consummate walking-on-eggshells.

However, I understand where you are in this mess, since I went through very similar situation more than once.   

I suggest you read a bit of Eckhart Tolle concerning what he calls the Pain-Body. It helped me awaken to his behaviors that you clearly described yesterday.

Some people feed off creating negativity in others. Patricia Evan's books are very insightful; and I found Suzette Elgin's book, "You Can't Say That to Me" especially helpful.

You can find your way clear of the pain: hang in there. You are intelligent and strong.

Best regards,

Quicksilver Girl