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We have been arguing non stop the past few weeks.  Every conversation turns into how *I* need to do this, this and that for him.  He acknowledges the way he treats me in his attacks and rages isn't ok, but still justifies it all in the moment.  He also believes that what he does should have no affect on me and I should just be able to still treat him the way he wants to be treated (giving him constant attention, love, and basically kissing is a$$)

Last night after I had a break down sobbing for about an hour he consoled me and says lets talk about something else so we can stop fighting.  We start talking about kids (I'm currently pregnant) and then his birthday which is on Monday.  He proceeds to tell me that his work friends are going out on Friday and asked him to go because they know his birthday is Monday and then he asks me if it'd be ok for him to stay out all night Friday into Saturday because he wants to party (he will be 33... .not 21 or anything).  Him staying out all night is a trigger for me because he used to do it all the time and he was cheating when he did it.  So I calmly tell him I don't mind him going out with friends, I don't mind him going on Friday and Saturday (I can't go out drinking/partying anyways... .I'm pregnant and figured we could spend Sunday together) and asked why it was necessary for him to stay out all night long.  Instead of being ok with me answering the exact questions he asked me and telling me why he needed to stay out all night... .he gets upset and tells me that he was hoping I said "no, don't go out I want to spend time with him"

This infuriates me... .but I stay calm and tell him that if that's what he wanted why can't he just tell me that.  Why did he have to give me this elaborate plan that he already seemed to have and then hope that I gave him the answer he wanted to hear.  In my thought process I was thinking, if I tell him he can't go he's going to get mad that I'm saying no, it's his birthday and tell me how it'll be "boring" to stay home with me anyways since I'm VERY pregnant, always tired and miserable right now.  That lead to him getting into his sad state... .staying up all night long going through my phone (what he does when he stays up all night) and even taking my wallet to use my card to go to the store even though he has his own money.  He also slept on the couch.

Now I'm at a loss on how to handle his birthday.  I honestly do not want to do anything for him.  We have a son together so I will get him from our son a card and maybe make a cake with our son.  However I know he wants/expects for me to do some huge grand gesture of love for him.  I in no way feel he deserves anything.  So this is like a catch 22.  Do I do something for the sake of doing it and avoiding another fight... .or do I not do anything and deal with the fall out and him going into a rage/saddness because he feels "I didn't do enough"

That's a tough situation you find yourself in. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

It's not my place to tell you what to do.  All I can do is share my BPD birthday experience from last week.  My relationship with her had taken yet another turn for the worse and I hadn't spoken to her in a month.  Her birthday was coming up in a few days and I didn't know if I should acknowledge it or not.  Two days before her birthday she called me to tell me how special I am and how much she loves me (not apologize for her horrible behavior which caused the breakup).  The things she said warmed the cockles of my heart and I ended up going all out for her and made her birthday as special for her as I could.  If she had not sweet talked me I think the right thing would have been not to acknowledge her birthday, which would have been extremely hard for me to do because I love her so much.  Why reward a child's bad behavior?  But I guess that's what all of us are doing that when we choose to stay in these abusive relationships.

No matter what you choose to do it has the potential to backfire on you.  Do what you think is right and I wish you the best.