BPDFamily.com

WOW, I have to share what my exBPD bf just texted, after a lukewarm reengagement by text after 3 weeks of ST!

He first said he thinks he wants to hear my voice, when I asked "in person or on the phone", he responded "It's my day off, I wouldn't mind seeing you".

I had to laugh out loud. As hurt as I am and as desperate I am to see him, that is just so unbelievably narcissistic!

Wow, it almost seems as if he is trying to make it easier for me to reject him! Sorry, I just had to share this, it is textbook!

Yup.  All about him.

After a couple of months of silence I broke no contact once. After being insulted and stuff, things calmed down, then she just 'had' to phone me. Well, I wasn't ready for that - after all, I've been hurt and I know she has BPD and I'm already regretting breaking NC.

So I said no, for 4 hours - FOUR HOURS - she will not stop texting me asking me to answer the phone, I had about 30 missed calls. Eventually it was about 430am and I just turned my phone off.

I'm glad you didn't go see him  |iiii

Ouch.  It doesn't make sense and it's just maddening.  We never get satisfaction.  We never get closure. And it's not fair.

Question... .Is it necessary for you to maintain texting him?  :)oes it trigger you?  Are you trying to keep the link between you two.

You ex has a Disorder.  And the Disorder always wins.   ALWAYS!

So even if the point of the contact is clear and obvious to us, the Disorder in an instant changes the event to fit the needs of the Disorder.  :)epersonalize.  It's not about us.  We just happen to be there for the Disorder to find interaction.  It's our job to avoid feeding the Disorder.

There's nothing we can do.  Nothing we can do to help them.  Nothing we can do to win an argument.  Nothing we can do that ever puts even the smallest dent into the armour of the Disorder.  

Think about all the effort we put into the Disorder.   Did it make any difference at all?  Any further effort will result in the same level of satisfaction.

Any contact  is a risk for being triggered, relapsing, and further destruction.  Many people don't recover  from their interaction with a pwBPD.  Many people stay in victim mode, or anger mode, or helpless mode, or hope-for-change-in-the Disorder mode.

For me every unmindful interaction with my ex was like taking a knife and reopening the wound of my festering gangrene infected soul.  

Today, I'm doing my best to try and reach detachment and depersonalization and recovery.

HAHAHAHA,

I have to put an example of my mother here, I am starting to see she has some narc traits, not full blown, haven't decided on that yet however definitely very strong in her.  

The other day she was badmouthing my EXBPD, she said (and I quote).  "She is a parasite, nothing good will ever come of her she is a blight on this earth and is unable to contribute anything other than pain and suffering to those she is in contact with."  

I interrupt, (DEARMAN), "Stop, please, I can see you still hold a lot of hate for her, I feel conflicted about this, it isn't constructive, isn't helpful and I can't continue to entertain those black and white thinking patterns, that makes us as bad as her."  

Mum's response, ":)on't use that psyco babble on me, I don't understand how you care for her, its so stupid with everything she has done to you and all the pain she put me through."  

Me again, "Mum, she gave you a grandson, be thankful for him, he is an amazing child."  

Mum's response, ":)on't divert the topic, your being abusive, not listening to me, what is your psychologist teaching you, if you cant get over her you need a new psychologist one who will help you move on and not teach you these tools to manipulate me and be abusive, your a prick sometimes and your being one now."  

The conversation moved on and I am not allowed to talk to her for the weekend and then I have to apologise for being abusive!  Can anyone direct me to a forum for kids of NPD mothers please?    folie lol

I record all my phone conversations now, so by word for word, it is word for word with the pauses taken out.  I am able to with this analyse what I am doing and how I handle situations.  Very helpful.  



With my sons mother (another tool for detaching, not calling her the ex),I am sort of 1/2 way between radical acceptance and forgiveness, I fluctuate between that and full blown, What the heck you doing this for illogical BPD thinking, cant you see?  I am getting better however my outbursts are more internalised now and I am starting to understand and work through it all myself.  Now I am struggling with dealing with my mother, I am going t have to 'lower my expectations' with her as well.  I can see the push pull cycle being used by her as well to control me and blah, no wonder I stayed with BPD for so long.  

Me and my ex has a child together and shared custody, so I get weekly reminders. Makes it easier when I occasionally yearn to have her back.

She self-centeredness is always there and since she's not aware of it she can't hide it. It turns up everytime a problem has to be solved, when something has to paid for or when something has to be done by someone.

She was supposed to pick up our daughter at my place, but apparently her car had broke down. Just got a text message that said "My car has broke down, so you will have to drive (daughter's name) to me".

First I got pissed off, but then I remembered - she doesn't ask for things! When she can't do it she just TELLS somebody else to do it. Charming. Glad she's gone.

When we were together ___ like that made my blood boil.

Sheesh.  This is one of those moments where I wonder if there really is a BPD manual and they just read things directly out of it.

My ex discerned that I was inserting some distance between us when we were "friends" post-r/s and he started seeing someone else.  He knew I missed the phone conversations we used to have, which he ended when he consigned me to the friends-only category ("I am weird about the phone, I don't know why".  We'd last discussed the whole phone call thing about 6 weeks before, when I'd offered to talk by phone when he was upset about something and he said no.  But -- he filed away that I commented that we used to have such great phone calls.

So.  Once I pulled away from him ever so slightly when he was pursuing his new love object, he suddenly offered to talk on the phone, knowing this was something I highly valued.  But he put it the same way your ex did: "I don't object to talking by phone occasionally."

!

Gee, thanks.  It's such a hardship to have to see Amigo, or talk to P&C by phone.  Quite the sacrifice.

 :)

Thanks you guys. Now I am smiling. Your responses are priceless.

Although I know NC is best, I feel like this little reminder of how narcissistic this person really is, has helped me today.

Well I ended up talking to him on the phone last night, after I got off work, to be told he is on his way to meet friends (the friends he consistently calls losers :)) - who live further away than I do... .I know the reason he chose to not see me, is because my response to his "I don't mind seeing you" was, "wow, you make me feel so special :)". He doesn't take sarcasm half as well as he dishes it out. In the end he texted "perhaps you misunderstood, let's just talk on the phone after you get off work". And that's what we did. And no, I didn't misunderstand. I understood just fine, that he wanted to be condescending, ambiguous about meeting up and even throw a little half assed apology in there in the end, to keep me hooked. Wow, I have learned a lot about BPD.

Aussie JJ, your mother is classic!

Tausk, you are totally right about still being triggered by him and needing to go NC completely, but I feel this little interlude actually might have helped me in my detachment.

I am so grateful to all of you on here!

"I didn't mean it like that". That's another familiar phrase.

Revisionism was one of her safe-zones for lying. Noone could call her bluff there.

Good for you. It clicks when it clicks. There were times I felt I already knew, but to be sure I was sure, bargained and kept gambling. In the end, I went back the right amount to see the facts clearly enough to make important choices. To weigh if she was even a real friend with me or not. Click.

Ohhh yes, they like that one.  It implies YOU got it wrong, not them, never them!

I do think that short interludes of interaction can help you detach, you definitely start to see their behaviours more clearly.  As long as you don't allow them to bombard you and take up all your time you can read between the lines and wonder how you ever accepted their behaviour.

Last pwBPD actually asked me during this latest recycle why I chose other messed up men over him, when I could've had a wonderful life with him who would've done anything for me and looked after me and everything in life would have been wonderful.

He was referring to why I never had a long term relationship with him but had long term relationships before him.  The first long term relationship was a "normal" break up, we'd simply out grown each other. Whilst break ups are never a nice experience there was never any massive drama, it just happened.  The second long term (massively toxic) relationship was still in the drama  phase when I met this one.

What this pwBPD fails to recognise is that would not have been the case. I could see from experience with the previous disordered partner (and the normal one) that this was not a normal relationship pattern.  I had terms of reference.

Actually what would've happened if I had stayed with this pwBPD is that I would've been expected to become his long term carer.  Yes, that may have been a wonderful, perfect outcome for HIM, but not for me. 

Funny how they just expect us to fall into line, huh?