BPDFamily.com

Throughout reading a lot of 2010 posts I kept coming across the idea of who My ex pwBPD reminded me of.  I intelecctually put some of the pieces together and days later after processing and feeling the physical sensations in my chest and stomache I had a big breakthrough with was probably the most intense experience I can remember. I felt how I was trying to prove the validity of my love as good enough for her and my BPD mom. 

Recently as I feel more of the feeling in my chest and now mainly my stomache. I have been coming upon more flashbacks or memories from my past.  Often times these flashbacks are preceeded by nightmares related to memories when my ex was tormenting me.  The last few days my perception of my ex has come more into a full spectrum of awareness.  This is because I had some flashback sort of emotional memories of my ex tormenting me and my sociopathic half brother tormenting me.  Using many of the same behaviors to plant insecurity in my mind.

The level of torment I received at the hands of my brother was terrible. Many of my earliest memories are of him making fun of me and trying to get me to screw up at anything I did.  He is 9 or 11 years older than me.  From things like picking me up by my feet when I was 3 then spinning around as I screamed and begged him to put me down then he let go and threw me into a wall sending me to the hospital. That is the story I could tell to get people to have sympathy but what did the most damage was the constant psychological barrage planting doubt insecurity and worthlessness in my psyche.  It was day in day out for years of hell.  I thought it was normal siblings picking on each other.  But the sadistic nature of it is only that a psychopath could achieve. 

There is a memory of when I was learning to shoot a basketball to practice.  My brother would watch me just to yell or throw food at my face right before I would shoot.  But that wasn't enough for him he had to make it into a game of torment.  If I could make whatever number of shots out of so many shots he would let me punch him in the face. Everytime I would miss he would throw something at my face. Every time I would shoot he would try to distract me by yelling or actinv like he was going to hit me.  A few times he did hit me so I would actually have fear he might do it.  After each missed shot he would humiliate me in a variety of ways name calling or throwing things in my face, often food like salami or french-fries wit ketchup on them. sometimes he would make me eat the food off of the ground, sometimes without using my hands.  I would every so often get so angry I refused but he would just beat me into submission once again. He always would make it into a game giving me hope of retribution. 

He conditioned me in a variety of ways one of them was smacking me in the back of the head. or blurting something out everytime I began speaking.  Just systematically tormenting me on average  3 hours a day at the least.  Always making it into some sort of game as much as possible. he conditioned me so that he could make certain noises and I would mess up at what I was doing which he took great pride in.  Always with the sadistic smile and laugh. The look in his eyes was evil and he took such great joy in my suffering.

Many of the same behaviors came out of my ex.  There is a part of me that bargains in some strange way.  WHat if it was the fact I had gone though that before and she was just mirroring that part of me?  What if me enduring the torment of my brother inspired that in my ex?  That the next guy brought up in a wonderfull Foo she will mirror the wholeness he has inside and it was my own issues that brought out the worst in her?

As I work through the pain of these memories I feel a kind of anguish with a sort of disturbing clarity.  I remember now a lot of things I had long forgot. A lifetime of torment.  The pain of fearing my father.  My step mom who I believe to be a high functioning cluster B.  Being separated from my BPD mother at around 2 years of age and her eventually moving across the country and guilt tripping me about it my entire life. All the memories of going into fantasyland to cope with all of this. I now am remembering the actual trauma of being present in these moments and it is extremely uncomfortable often disturbing and I am haunted by the look in the eyes of my ex amd my brother while tormenting me... .I don't even see it as them... just the sadistic energy it haunts me I can feel it.

I too had a sibling who was older than me, by about 10 years, and she used to be super mean to me. I wouldn't say she was as awful as your brother was, but it was still what I'd consider way beyond the "normal" sibling stuff. She seemed to seek me out to be mean to. I'd hide when I got left alone with her, and I got left alone with her a LOT. She did and said things to make me feel inferior. I think this did really set me up to taking more verbal abuse from people than I ever should have. It felt "normal" to me. Or at least I felt like I was so used to that, and I could endure it.

I've sort of worked through that, and I no longer hold resentment towards her. I wish it hadn't happened but I was a child, and she was a teen, and I'd bet if truth be known, she feels guilt for it. She sometimes felt badly after, or maybe she just feared our parents, because she'd sometimes be punished.

Most people seem to have family of origin issues or programmed from their parents. I had great parents, but that relationship with my sister, seems to have set me up for a lot of this. I always knew it wasn't okay how she treated me, but I was just so used to it.

Years ago I spent a lot of time blaming her(only to myself of course), but I've put that behind me. I can only blame myself for my choices. I chose my current husband, but I certainly didn't know he'd have BPD traits. It does feel familiar though.