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I've been asking myself these questions. Changing my patterns, and it's like a new world sometimes. One where, despite my recharging self confidence, I'm not always very confident. The goals I set for myself when I was younger, I've already reached them. Am still interested, but not as inspired. I'm at a point where I can make choices, but find it hard to decide or follow through. The one thing still on my list is a lifelong mutually good marriage. Too late for that. So... .Now what? Where, how, and why? It's like, OK, second wind, which direction? What's my motivation?  I know, it's personal to each of us. Am wondering how others got/are getting through this.

Yep.  Having survived the borderline spin cycle and gotten back to "me", I ask myself the same questions.  I lost a few years in the ordeal, and wasn't doing so well when we met, so the whole thing was a wake-up call on a couple of levels: I had the opportunity to dig deep and look at why I really do things, the death of a false self and my naivety, and I'm not getting any younger and am feeling my age a little, so there's a new sense of urgency.  And like you I'm asking what's next?  Happiness is created by progress, and although change is automatic, progress is not; it's about picking directions.  Some of the things I did for fun when I was younger have become important again, a settling into myself with a new-found comfort, and I do want a good, healthy relationship.  So life's become about slowing down, enjoying the moments; I spent a lot of time in the past running, moving really fast because it felt good, felt like I was outrunning myself, living a false self, and running felt like progress, even though it was in circles sometimes.  So.  Settling into myself, slowing down, and focusing on what kind of woman do I want to be with, what does health look like, and then asking myself who do I need to be, what kind of man do I need to be, how do I need to show up in the world, to make a relationship with that woman possible.  I can't be who I'm not, but I can certainly be the best me possible, and what does that look like?  Priorities have shifted; it's a brand new world.

Maybe it's like a mid-life crisis kind of thing. Another reason to hang onto a troubled relationship as much as I did? There's definitely some truth to that. As if something was better than nothing. But now I want something with some real substance to it. I can feel it's in there, that it's possible, just haven't found, or perhaps acknowledged/accepted, the best way to channel it yet. There's something that still needs to be expressed in this life. I'm not being shut down anymore, because I changed it. I can be as open as I choose to be. But... .

  I'd much rather be alone than be in relationship with a disordered person, regardless of where I am in life, you might agree?  I've always been able to do alone time and not be lonely though, and the next gal's got her work cut out for her; she's going to have to show me she's reasonably sane before we get very far, and hopefully she'll be looking for the same in me.  Real love is a slow burn, and I'm taking the time next time.

I'm 53, and I continually remind myself that we're either living or we're dying; what does living look like?  I say whatever we want it to, as long as we're moving forward, plus, I don't know about you, but I feel so much more aware and conscience now, after time in borderline boot camp, that I see my next relationship being much healthier, just because of where I'm coming from now.  And you?

We're at the center of our own lives. Whatever happens, we are a part of it.

Looking back with less FOG, it's more clear. The choice I made was to walk away from the disorder, not the person. With the person being the vehicle for the behaviors, I also had to walk away from her. Relative stability instead of continued chaos. I remind myself sometimes this quiet is the sound of peace.

I'm usually pretty good about alone-time. Creative projects. Thinking my thoughts, distraction free.

I have been lonely because she was such a big part of my life but is gone now. I loved her.

Some of what I went through was an illusion. Some of it wasn't. Patterns and perceptions change.

Filling up this time and space is where I'm finding I feel stuck.

Cut myself more slack? Be more patient? Do I even need to fill it?

Still grieving. Not as productive. That's just how it is sometimes, I know.

I do agree with what you're saying here, thank you. Choice and intent go a very long way.

I was a loving partner, and yes the extra awareness now (of everything) will help with being in a better r/s. I'm a few years younger than you, but it's basically the same. When and if the right person comes along, we'll be as ready as we can be, and we'll do our best. Until then, let's also do our best. Which we are.

My relationship was much shorter than most here, less than a year, but I was traumatized and diagnosed with PTSD nonetheless, so it seems any time with that pathology can work a number on us, if we let it, and I did.  I have no idea how people could be married to and live with what I did and retain any semblance of sanity, but everyone's experience is different I guess, similarities aside. 

But humans are social animals, we're born to connect, and I wanted to build a life with her, without question, although who "she" was, was a combination of reality and my fantasy, confusing as hell.  But the good news?  I still have the ideas and feelings, calling them a "fantasy" doesn't apply anymore, but I still have those feelings, those hopes and dreams, I took them with me when I left her, and although it wasn't possible to realize those dreams with her, I did love her, it was pure and real, it just wasn't shared or reciprocated.  But it can be, with the right person; it's about focusing on what we want, making room in our lives for it, being open to it, and pursuing it when it shows up.  We've got it in us, we're born to connect, and once we've done the work on ourselves, we'll be attractive as hell to the right person.  That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it... . 

How do you feel about this?


Is it depression?


I can relate to wanting this and having to accept that this goal is not one that we get to control.  But, too late, means what exactly?  Your life is not over - this thinking makes me wonder if you are in the depression phase of grief, which is ok, knowing where you are is 1/2 the battle sometimes.


Goals can be made in a variety of areas - spiritual, physical, emotional, academic, vocation - pick any area and make a new goal.

How I do it - get up each day and do my best.  Live what I say here to the best of my ability.  Some days are better than others, that is life.

Every human has times of lonely, sad, shame - we all want to connect and feel a part of something - Are you searching what you want to connect to?

fromheeltoheel,

I remember your from early last year, having joined these boards a few days after me. It is good to see that you are in a better place than I am, and it provides me motivation to quit obsessing and take back my life.

good luck! :)

Hi elessar, yes, it's been a journey for us all.  I've learned we obsess about anything because we're getting something out of it, or an addiction we have is getting fed by it.  Have you dug into why you obsess, what needs it's meeting for you?

Well, I allowed her to recycle me up till last month. It is quite hard to let go of someone you have known since you were a teenager, for 14 years... .who was your first and only love. Yet it took her only a few hours from declaring her love for me to accepting another man's marriage proposal last month. So the last 10 years near-worshiping her (including the 4 years she disappeared from my life), and the last 14 years of dreaming about her is flashing across my eyes. The thought that I wasted my entire 20s on someone who obviously never had any trouble leaving me. I am still young at 29, but I havent experienced anything else. I do not know what is a relationship that isn't her, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what to feel because all I can do is think about her (and what is going on with her and her new guy). I went through this thing in February 2013 that brought me to these boards, but this time she actually told me she has said yes to marriage, not just dating. Everyone would say - why would you want such a person who has been so emotionally and verbally abusive to you. My answer - I knew a different side of her from our teens to her early 20s. Once the full-blown BPD symptoms came, I miss the idealization phase of it. I am learning how to love myself, how to pick up my self-esteem and learn a life lesson that no matter how hard you try, people can still leave you and abuse you.

No matter how hard you try, people can still leave you, true, but they can only abuse you if you let them.  That's about boundaries, building and maintaining a sense of self and self esteem, and then protecting them, only letting folks inside the walls who truly care about and respect you.

But bummer too, first loves are always very significant, I remember mine fondly and well, and that's where we go through the steepest part of the learning curve of relationships.  If our first love happens to be disordered too, that can affect us profoundly around all of our relationships.  I'm sorry things went down the way they did, this gal is clearly very significant to you, and you've probably heard it before, but it's best to remove her from your life and interact with as many people and experience as many things as possible; you're young and you've got a lot of life ahead of you, time to shift your focus away from her and towards the rest.  Instead of fighting something, which just makes us focus on it more, better to create something new and put all your energy there.  Take care of you!

SB, yes, have definitely been going through depression. Also having to change the course of certain things due to the r/s breakdown. And artistic blockage which cuts off what has usually been a good outlet for what I'm going through. Hoping time helps bring it back around. It's more of an inspiration thing than effort, as far as my process goes. The skills are there, but not the energy/focus. If the old ways have ceased to be, I could choose/try other forms of expression. Either way, the real goal is to be OK with how it is. Today. Now.

Yes, I could find another r/s, but am not ready for it right now. Not sure when I will be. I'm open to it, but wary, like many of us here. It would be a life where we brought what we already have to the table (kids, friends, stories) more than one we made together, which is great in many ways, just not what I would have liked to have had all along. So I'm letting go of that, as well. Some dreams are deeper than others.

Thanks for those words heeltoheel.

And Myself, I respect you for willing to wait for a relationship till you are ready for one. I haven't experienced it, but I can only imagine the pain when you realize that what you bring into the relationship is more than what you might get out of it. Letting go of some of these dreams, any dreams, is hard. Keep trying. I hope you get your hobbies back :)

I think this was the hardest part for me to grieve... .I tied a lot of my "good enough" to the dream I had created... .it was all muddled together for me and it took time teasing out which parts were real, which parts were me, which parts I needed to cry out.

Depression is a very real phase in the grief process - one day, you notice it breaking up... .it will my friend.