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well i guess I got some closure tonight from my exBPDgf. we have been apart about 6 weeks or so. one small recycle date if you can call it that. We split again after I found out she had lied to me, once again. of course she blamed on someone else, so once again it was her fault. but anyway she was doing her normal texting, calling. I was staying light contact. tonight we spoke, was a calm conversation. anyway that alst time we had she had mention that maybe we shoudl start dating other people since I would never forgive for her past mistake. even though I had ive lost count of how many times. anyway tonight i asked her if that what she wanted us to do was start dtaing other people she said she thought that what she was gonna was do. so I told her goodbye and hung up the phone. So i wonder is this closure? or once again 3 weeks from now will the recycle attenpts start coming. I know closure will only come from me with her. But is the  best clsoure BPD can give?

Hey M. Hasn't that happened before (you guys saying you would or could see other people)?

No, I don't think her comment is "closure." When another person disappoints her she will be back to you saying the same things she has been saying for the last however long to get you to go on mini recycle dates etc.

What do you want at this point? She could do this with you indefinitely.

Mitchell,

I am sorry you are going through all this, making the decision to detach is not an easy one with a pwBPD if you really fell in love and hoped for a reciprocal relationship. The hope things will get better and love will prevail turns Hope into a kind of torture to the soul. I never got any type of good closure from my ex.  I was sucked back into minidates with the possible of a recycle but each time the abusive behavior began again after seeing her a few times.  I still don't feel closure on it and I havn't seen her in almost 3 months. I eventually got to a point where I focus more on myself and dealing with the issues that are left over from the relationship.  I had to end things myself and I really didn't want to at all, but realized she would never change and I would be stuck in a very unhealthy pattern with her. 

Blim

yes she could. I think at this point I need to get closure on my own. I did that before but allowed myself to get pulled back. but she is real good, she can put such a spin on thing she will have you believing just about anything. yes, she has said this before and of course she always seems to fin her way back to me and like an idiot I wlecome her back with open arms. I know closure has to come from me because she will keep me on the hook until the end of time if i allow it. The last time I was able to just stay clear  of her and resist the temptations.

I think why it my be closure on her part is becasue she no longer works close to me and lives in another state. When we were togther she worked right next door to me and every time I turned around there she was or there I was. Since she has left this company she seems to be severing ties with anybody from my area, including me. Her quote was " she needs to put space between me and her and all the bad things because it bring hers down and make her feel like an awful person to be reminded of how she was so misunderstood this whole time. now what she is talking about being misunderstood is her lying, raging out of control, drinking and having emotional affairs. So i felt like that she ahs found away to give me and her closure. Im not sure since what I understand BPD never really give closure.

So by "closure" it sounds like you mean, "is she really done?"

If you haven't hurtfully condemned her, I doubt it.  pwBPD seem to continue to make use of attachments for what they can get out of them indefinitely.  Until you shut that door.  We seem to have to be the ones to end it.  As discussed on another thread right now, that's one reason this stuff lingers -- because we never wanted it to be over and we are the ones who have to kill it.

If she's in another state, that just opens the chance for you to be a background attachment that assists her while she tries to make a primary connection to some other man.  My ex moved too.  I eventually realized that my role had shifted to that of security blanket while he explored new romantic opportunities and assumed I wouldn't know because it wasn't right under my nose.  It wasn't fun.  But no, I would not assume this means she will be "done."  My ex actually sort of accelerated his claims on me while he was reaching out to others, as if to make sure I didn't go anywhere.

You have to decide what you want and if you don't make a conscious decision to extract yourself from limbo with her, you can stay there for a long time.

patientandclear, thank you. Thats good advice and I think deep inside I kinda knew it already since I have been here a bunch. first time since she dont work next me anymore. but I think deep down this was her intent was to keep me simmmering, while she goes on the hunt or playing aorund with her newest toy. Just in case that fails shes making sure Im not far away. I think her telling me she thinks we should date other people was just away of releifing her little bit of guilt by giving me "permission" and kind of break up to hook up thing even though we was already split, she was desprate for a recycle a few ago. Now its like she has lost all interest. but she is very happy to engageing to phone conversations and texting. I guess thatteh  best way to keep me on a hook.

For me I had to kill the relationship in the end.  I realised that her abusive recycling behaviour was only hurting me more and more.  I wrote her the meanest letter (some of what I wrote I do regret!) but I believe it achieved what I intended which was to kill the relationship off once and for all.