BPDFamily.com

Hi.  I have no idea where I am going with this thread, so hang in there with me.  I have been reading through the old posts on this board and my emotions are definitely riled up as a result.  I started reading from the *back* of the old posts so I could focus on just the thoughts and feelings that came up for me rather than trying to compose a response at the same time.  I have not slept well for the last two nights since I started reading here because every time I start to fall asleep, I could feel my mother hovering over my shoulder, her breath on my neck and I would crash awake.  Or it was a feeling that I was back in the childhood home and I would have to open my eyes to remember where I am in time and space.  LOL  I swear I could feel them here in the room with me.  I remember when i first learned about BPD and started on disengaging myself and healing, I felt such a need to hurry up and get it done before my parents died.  Why?  Well, I do and did believe that for me, as difficult as dealing with them is, it is easier to pinpoint the problem when the problem is fresh in my mind (I am very skilled at compartmentalizing and denying   ) or when I could actually interact with then even on a limited contact basis.  Also, with my spiritual beliefs and experiences, I also knew once they were dead, it would be much harder to keep an eye on the controlling, manipulative, poisonous parents.  When they were alive, I knew exactly where they were (more or less).   :)

Yeah, I know.  Crazy talk!  S'ok, I think I am pretty crazy and laugh at myself all the time.      :) 

So I feel this distance from my emotions and memories.  I do not see this as a good thing, because clearly I have issues I need to work on and when I am so distant from the very things I need to look at, I can't process at an emotional level.  I feel like I am trying to sprint in water... .and that is just not going to work.Healing is just not going to happen if I can only work at an intellectual level. 

So anyway, yesterday I went for a drive and stopped for coffee.  I sat in the parking lot and used the free wifi to do some reading.  All of a sudden I heard this voice screeching the words "Help me".  I looked around and there was this adult lady (mid 20's) screaming at the guy (also 20's) sitting next to her in the car.  He was driving and she kept screaming "I asked you to help me.  All I want you to do is help me"  I could not hear everything tho.  I felt bad for her because I thought Yeah, me too lady, I want someone to help me... .but then she freaked out and started hitting herself in the face and the head.  Not slaps but with her fists and hard enough that I could hear the blows about 40 feet away.  The guy was frozen for a second or two and then tried to catch her arms so she could not hurt herself more and he kept saying "what are you doing to yourself" over and over.  Things calmed down a bit but I was still keeping my eye on them in case she flipped out again.  I was all ready to jump in and defend the guy if she tried to accuse him of hitting her... .and that was just so stunning to me.  I realized I went from feeling bad for her, to assuming she had some kind of PD and he is some kind on Non trying to work things out with this clearly disturbed person. I was still watching and was then shocked to see them both get out of the car and switch sides so that **she** could drive.

Dude!  Are you freaking crazy?  She is bat crap crazy out of control and you are putting your life in her hands by letting her drive the car?  ZWOW. 

So what does this have to do with me?  Well, even though my parents are both dead and bat crap crazy, I obviously switched seats with them and have been letting them drive me around still. 

Crud.

Haha!  I just figured out what I am doing in this thread--->  Allowing myself a whine to get it out of my system.  I think I am done whining for now.  If anyone has anything to say I welcome a bit of direction.   

PS. Interesting profanity filter.  Frustrating as hell too.   

Hello Harri,

First, your humor... .very funny. I hink it's good to have a sense of humor about certain things. But wait... .my T called me out on it when I would lapse into it during our sessions. He never told me why I did that though, that (darn profanity filters). I figure maybe it's a coping mechansim I developed as a ray of light in the darkness, and it came from me. What do you think?

One thng that struck me from your post:


You still talk of them as if they were present. I guess they are present in your mind? Is an exorcism in order here? It would be nice if it were that easy, no, to have someone remove those  my-issues  my-issues from our minds? Nice as that would be, it's probably not going to happen.

So how do you proceed? How do you conduct a funeral in your mind, make peace, and put them to rest?

Nice catch and I appreciate you calling me on it.  Thank you.

It is definitely a coping mechanism but it is also a defense mechanism as well.  A co-worker once said "You know what your problem is Harri?  You take *nothing* seriously"  This was when I was in the midst of big health issues and dealing with a dead mom and having to move back in with my father and a brother who was accusing me of taking advantage of my dad, and realizing the man I fell in love with was ultimately just not worth the effort or the trust that I placed on him and was most likely BPD himself (Oh the irony!).  This co-worker had known me for years and felt quite comfortable calling me on it.  It was true.  I took nothing seriously at work or any where else because I was afraid I would break.  It was a way of keeping myself together when things were so insane. I remember thinking at the time that people would not be able to handle it if I got serious.  Who the hell wants to be around that crap?  Who the hell wants to hear about the fear, the anger, the rage... .who wants to hear my howls of grief and despair?  Who wants to hear about the flashbacks, the absolute confusion I sometimes still feel when I can't decide on what kind of freaking dinner plates to buy because I am afraid I will make the wrong choice... .or how I was afraid that my longing for my mother to die would affect the choices I had to made when she literally was dying?  or the fact that I wanted so much to beat the crap out of my father, so very fragile when he was old and forgetful, yet so twisted and sick when I was younger that he let my mother do unspeakable things to me?  The man who used to lie in bed and cry, telling me he could not take living with my mother and wanted to die... .and I was just a little kid.  Who wants to hear about how scary that is and how terrifying it was to know that he might go away permanently... .and the next time my mother walked out and took off because she was raging and I was so terrified she would never return that I might be left alone forever?  Who the wants to hear that.  So I laugh.  I laugh at everything.  The more insane things get, the sillier and funnier things become.  And the more I die inside as the poison builds and then spills out.

Turkish, you asked how do I proceed... .what do I need to do to have a funeral in my mind for them.  I have no freaking clue.  I am too hurt and angry and so very terrified of my future right now.  

I can't see through the tears right now.

Thanks for helping me get there, Turkish.  

Harri

More of a rant:  clearly I need to check my quotes

and I really really really hate the damn profanity filter.  hell and damn just don't cut it.   

I am realizing now (duh) that i shut down several years ago, though not completely, but enough to still have rage, hurt and grief bottled up inside of me.  I keep going back to the fact that high levels of stress and fear are not sustainable for a long period of time.  Something gets shut down and or shoved aside and it is just a matter of time before things bubble up to the surface.  My health has been beating my butt for a while now.  So has depression. 

It's time for me to get this stuff out of my system and I do not care if I do end up talking mostly to myself.  I have the answers and understanding within me, I just need to keep digging.