BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, apologies for this long waffly post, but had so much going on after having posted as a newbie several weeks ago, I have been doing a lot of reading up and trying to get my head around the likelyhood that my inlaws are BPD/npd. My hubby has been ok-ish about considering these possibilities (still in denial for things in the past) and have tried the approaches together suggested on these boards with some success in protecting ourselves but not changing the situation.

As it turns out, my mil turned up on our doorstep out the blue for hubby's birthday at the end of June having had little contact since last Sept, and has been extra nice... .Charming me with flowers, cards and nice comments on my facebook (another issue I know... .They are going to have to go... .) etc.

During this visit, she followed me round the house asking could she still see the kids which I agreed to several times to keep the peace. Just as she was leaving she asked again so as hubby was by my side, I told her they could come to see the children at our house if she contacts hubby to arrange when. Of course they never came for weeks but text him end of July to say she was waiting to be invited round again... .We were on hols at the time so hubby replied to say he would text when we were back and she needs to let him know what day is good. Mil then bombarded him with texts about going back home to meet with a social worker at their house ASAP, everyone else would be there etc etc. We had no idea what all this was about so didn't reply until we got home the following week.

It turns out that npd mil has applied to become a foster carer and needs a reference from him for the social worker   .

Hubby has refused to visit for this meeting but did speak to the SW on the phone without being asked any further for detail about any of our concerns re the dogs, lies and silent treatment. SW just needed to tick a box it seems. The SW then said fostering would affect the time and input they could have with us and kids... .Prob a good thing for us!

Mil then turned up unannounced again demanding to see the kids, giving money to my daughter, still ignoring my toddler me and hubby this time, then later more 'nice' comments on my facebook.

It seems clear that this recent contact was in order to get what mil needed for her application and clearer now that our relationship with them as inlaws and grandparents will be at rock bottom which is sad and frustrating having thought we may be able to maintain some kind of controlled contact for the kids.

My question then is for some perspective and any help/advice to tell our kids (7 and almost 3) in an appropriate way a)why nana and grandad are with other kids and won't visit us, b)why we won't go and see them or keep contact.

Accepting that my inlaws are this way has been eye-opening, explains a lot but frustrating and soul destroying and I am finding it difficult to deal with my thoughts and emotions where my own children and other vulnerable kids are involved. I don't want my kids to suffer by me mishandling things.

I am sure there are a number of perspectives here, but I will offer one as well.  "No contact" is a tool for you to ensure your family's safety and sanity.  It is something you and your spouse can discuss and agree upon.   Children are very present-minded, paying close attention to what is in the present moment, and it may not be necessary to give many details about the circumstances.  If they ask, a gentle acknowledgement of the absence may be warranted, without much detail.  As they grow, and circumstances evolve, it may be appropriate to discuss; however, I think that they will follow the lead of you and your spouse, which sounds rational and considered.