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hello family. i have been doing better. for the last 2 to 3 weeks, i have been off this board, beginning to get busy and i was doing fine.

the point is i am beginning to forget the abuse, the bad behavior. from a good point of view, the details are not remembered now and the emotional pain is not here anymore. from a bad point of view, i am beginning to miss her and forget all she has put me through. i still can remember that the pain after the break up is the worst pain i have felt in my whole life. i am forgotten anyway with 5 months of NC (initiated by her and kept and maintained by me).

i do not know if missing her at this point is a good or bad thing. it can be bad cause i should not be missing her as i now "love myself and take care of myself" (trust me i am trying to begin to). it can be good if this indicates that i really do not feel any pain regarding what she did to me anymore.

any experience from a member that has maintained NC for long ?

AJ -- I'm glad you are feeling better.  It's a very positive step to be able to desensitize memories and emotions, even if sometimes we "miss" our ex-partners.

I once heard a quote -- "nothing never leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know" -- and I have applied it to my healing experience.

You can allow yourself moments of missing her, AJ.  It's not a toxin.  It's merely a feeling, and often one that passes.   You can wish her well in your mind, and remind yourself that you are healing too.

NC is a tool for us to have a safe space for detaching & grieving... .detaching happens by feeling that "missing" you are talking about.  It is grief - the same grief as if someone has died.

I have been NC 2+ years and was very, very limited contact the year before with divorce stuff.


"Should" vs. "is" - missing her is ok - so miss her.

The book Eat, Pray, Love has a really good scene about missing and loving an ex.

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

So miss her AJ - and keep moving forward  |iiii

Seeking Balance-- I am crying-beautiful, quote: I think it applies to so many of us. We each have a God vacuum and keep filling it with other things (and addictions). I'm addicted to pwBPD-- not healthy for either one of us or those around us. Thank you,

If you don't feel pain anymore that is freakin amazing ! I am happy for you |iiii

Grieving comes and goes in intensity. I find it best to concentrate and relax. Deep breaths, regroup, continue. There will be better times, and bad times. Today is today. Look at who you really are as a lighthouse in the direction you're supposed to have been going all along. The FOG will be thick, especially at first, and it will also fade away. It might come back sometimes. It's unpredictable. But who you really are is constant. And if you need to you can change it. Moving on means we're accepting who we are right now. We probably won't forget but we can choose a better fork in the road this time.

This is actually happening. Yesterday, i felt that "i just miss her." I accepted the feeling and did not judge it. Just said "it shall pass". Today i feel obligation. I blame myself for " not containg her". Of course, i know that trick cause i have been through two major downs during the last five months since NC.

I am stressed at this phase as i am preparing for a very important exam for my career. The stress periods trigger the memory of her. How would she encourage me and be my side during these stress periods (no wonder these relationships are parent child ones with the change of roles sometimes. Maybe i am overreacting. Who would not like a companion to be on his/her side during difficult times )

I just want to focus on what i should do cause what i am doing will affect and last in my life long but she will vanish from my memory in time.