Title: Am I just imagining things? Post by: Entropy1 on August 14, 2014, 01:51:58 PM "Am I just imagining things?" I wonder this sometimes with my uBPDw since she is very high-functioning and generally a well-respected person. Maybe (as she frequently suggests) the problem lies as much or more with me as with her, and if only I would change then we would be like this: .
Do any of you experience doubts like this? I know this may sound ridiculous for many of you given what you suffer. As I was lamenting the other day how my needs don't matter, I thought "if I were to even try to share a struggle of mine with her it would only trigger her contempt of me." Ahh, but how can I know if I don't even try? So I decided I would try. Background: I have a problem with following through on things. My wife has difficulty making requests. So frequently we have conflict where I hear "you should have known to do [something] and you didn't do it." "If you really cared about this, if you really cared about me, you would have done this, etc." I choose this example because I really do have a significant part in the conflict, so it's one where I am prone to take all of the blame. Conversation summary:
The conversation went on for awhile in a sort of cyclical fashion. She admitted a couple of times that she saw what she was doing (attacking my character), and then would be back doing it again literally within a few seconds. Toward the end, she'd see me smile and say "Am I doing it again?" or "I'm doing it again, aren't I?". So, I concluded that I am not just imagining things. At the same time, I was left hopeful that with time and help (from her T) she might be able to improve. Title: Re: Am I just imagining things? Post by: DreamFlyer99 on August 14, 2014, 06:27:35 PM i know I've read about this elsewhere on the site--where often the pwBPD uses what sound like attack-bites but actually aren't about the exact thing they seem to be attacking, like your irresponsibility for instance. So the validating looks more like: "I can hear your frustration--" by answering their emotion with a question about that emotion.
I suppose all communication depends on how willing each person is to hear the other person and remain respectful. i wonder if your wife's non-specific overall character blaming speaks to her just feeling generally agitated, and not wanting to hold whatever blame she might have in the situation herself. i know it's exceedingly important for my uBPDh to not be to blame, or to at the least share blame. And that's where our skills come in where we can hopefully learn to be less triggering. Your wife does take in new information. That just angered my h. Is there any way the 2 of you could see her T for the purpose of setting up particular things to work on? I'm curious too to see what answers you get on this question. I've had to go over the validation info a number of times to keep it fresh in my brain, otherwise i end up validating all the wrong bits! lol |