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Question

I know it’s not my decision.  But I don’t know which way to steer her.  She always asks for my input and comes to me when it all falls apart.

In previous post I’ve described her father and brother whom I suspect have some sort of BPD.  They have overcome they’re disorder basically from not adaughterressing it and from the father’s inheritance and family business.  They just don’t have to deal with it.

My daughter is far from this.  Because she doesn’t toe the line to his expectation of what a daughter should be.  He basically writes her off until he feels guilty then checks in with her.  His will is all to the son.  He understands and has accepted him for what he is.  He’s moving to live with him and join the family business in another province.

This has devastated my daughter who was hoping to have a relationship with her brother.  She doesn’t understand why her brother gets everything and she gets nothing.

This is basically one of the reasons I left her father.  He uses currency as a form of abuse.  You don’t fall in line I give you nothing.  He once told me he’d give me $20,000 for signing an agreement that said I had an affair and that’s why we split.

I’m an adult with a good income.  I can walk away from that.  My daughter has nothing.  I help her but she has to learn that she decided to run away and make her own living (I’m not happy about OW).

I usually tell her to go into the relationship with a little control and meet them in a neutral place like a coffee shop.  If it gets out of hand she can excuse herself politely.

She’s thinking about going down there at Xmas.  I don’t know what to tell her because that would be walking into a lion’s den.

I want to tell her to make sure she has both tickers one open ended so she can leave if she needs to.  He father can be nasty if he has an audience and power.

Am I feeding her negativity or should I tell her to look at her own history and make necessary decisions?

PyneappleDays

Hello PyneappleDays,

I can see why this is difficult to make a decision about how much to say to your d19 and when to intervene... .if at all.

From the outside looking in, and based on my own experience with my daughter, I would take the opportunity to ask her if she would like to learn some skills to use to have a better r/s with her dad and 1/2 brother.  Coming in the back door sort of.  This has worked with my daughter in the past.

Does this sound like something you would want to try?

What your suggesting is a different approch then what I'm use to.  But that's the point.  What I'm doing presently is just leaving me exhausted.  

I'll give it a try.

Thank you