BPDFamily.com

I went to see my therapist today.

I started by telling her that I have learnt a lot about BPD and as she suggested before my ex probabely was one.  Then I told her about a dream that I  had recently in which my ex seemed to have moved on and was happy. I on the other hand was very ill and weak.

She said to me : " Caramel, on the outside you are saying that he probabely had a disorder. That he was mentally ill and he was no good for you. But inside, you still love him.  You want him to be happy. That's why in your dreams you are the one with the illness and not him. You don't want him to be ill. Do not resist your feelings. Whatever you feel, let it be. What's wrong with still loving him? Take your time.  Give yourself enough time to grieve your loss. You have lost someone you loved dearly. Doesn't matter if it was someone with a disorder or not, it is still a great loss!"

I felt much better after the session. I think she was right. What we resist persists.

This is a lovely insight. And, as always, the message is: turn your attention inward.

i love this sentiment. it is indeed a loss. many of my friends and family say it's not a loss at all because i am better off without him. while that may be true, i am mourning the loss of my relationship and the future i thought we had. it feels as finite as death.

We mourn the loss of the person they pretended to be... .but remember, that amazing person was a reflection of us and what we wanted. Not what they are.

At the end of the analyzing, what we have left is the grief of a loss, whether the person was real or we perceived them to be something they are not - our love and our loss is real - and we need time to process the loss.

I am glad you are giving yourself the time and space for grief - it is a great gift to give yourself.

Peace,

SB

Very well stated, caramel.  What I realized ultimately is that the love I had remained within me.  I did not lose it, or have it stolen, or have it damaged.  It was generated within me, and it was mine to own.   Truly, we share a journey inward -- and through -- the pain.   This is healing.   Thank you for sharing.

I was trying to explain this to my mother earlier today. She is pleased to see this dark entity gone from my life, as am I, but the "you're better off" argument is over simplifying the whole experience. The poison may be gone but the pain remains. It will for a long time.

i have nearly given up trying to talk about this with my friends or mother. my friends just say he's a jerk or something of the sort. they don't understand the root cause of his behavior - not that it justifies it, but it helps with processing the events that occurred. i have found my most comfort on this board.

i am not sure the pain will ever really leave. i feel like BPD is a ghost that will haunt me forever.

Only a therapist/psychiatrist understands what we went through, and the fact that it is a loss just the same. Friends, etc. will never understand, unless they invest the time in researching the issue, which they probably won't. I spoke with my psychiatrist about borderline, and he just shook his head and said that very few professionals will deal with them. I'm trying to get into a borderline spousal support group I heard about and will soon be speaking with the husband of a person that was a borderline. They're now divorced and he wants to help me out with his experiences. To acquaintances and friends I just say that she became mentally ill and violent. To close friends I give more details. Those that hear the details just shake their heads and ask why I stayed so long. I often ask myself that question too.

my friends say, "haven't you had enough?" or "well, i hope you are done with him this time!" it is hard to explain why i stay... .and why it is so hard to leave.