BPDFamily.com

I've been seeing a T for a few weeks now, and it's going well. It's a return to T for me... .the last round was 8 years ago before I ever met my husband, and was mostly about issues in my life at the time. Now, I'm seeing a T who specializes in PTSD and behavioral disorders. So far, it's a good match. One thing that my T has said to me, now twice, is the importance of talking to my husband about seeing a marriage counselor together. He is not pressuring me by any means, but he has emphasized that based on what we've talked about so far, seeing a T may be the only way my husband will understand that I am not happy with the way things are in our marriage. My T admitted that MC doesn't always work (as I've read on here), but it's a foot in the door. I agree with him, but I'm scared/nervous to talk to my husband about seeing an MC. I could use some help.

Things I am anticipating:

1. Admittance to "communication issues", but refusal to see a T. I've talked to my H before about seeing someone (both together and just for him) and he has refused. He maintains that any problems we have, we can solve by doing xyz (fill in anything that won't work and won't even be tried.)

2. Questions that, to me, are a trap: i.e., "What problems do you think we have? What do you think a T can do that we can't do on our own?" I know that if I attempt to answer these questions, no matter what the answer, he will refute it and find a way to make it no problem at all (or all my problem).

3. Not taking my request seriously. Invalidating my feelings, and trying to make me feel like this is all my problem.

I don't know if giving him an ultimatum is a good or bad option. I'm still working out what I'm prepared to say in the even that he absolutely refuses with no wiggle room. One thing I am prepared to say is that I'm not willing to try to get pregnant (we've been talking about trying for a while now) until he agrees to see a T with me. Other than that, I haven't really solidified my "if you don't agree, I'm doing xyz".

Can anyone shed some light or offer some strategies?

Hi Cat21. It is definitely not easy to convince someone who does not believe there is a problem to see a T or MC. For my uBPDw, it came through ultimatum which I am not suggesting. I was open with her about considering divorce unless we saw a T together.  Our T let me know after a few sessions that my wife was BPD. You might want to read the tools on SET on this website and try to talk to your husband during a calm time using SET. The truth portion being that you both can improve your communication skills with an impartial third party. May I ask if your husband has been diagnosed with BPD or is not diagnosed? Hang in there. If respectful communication is a core value that you hold, you are going to need to develop a strong boundary so that you can validate your husband's valid expressions but also know and speak your truth. I am learning all of this the hard way right now. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Hope this helps.

Thanks, takingandsending. I have definitely been trying to improve using SET. I think you are right; in order for my uBPDh to potentially (begrudgingly) agree to see an MC, SET is probably the way to go. He has not been diagnosed. I started seeing a T on my own because I think he is BP. My T agrees that he shows traits, but of course cannot make a diagnosis.

It's funny; when we have a good couple of days or weeks, I am confident about him wanting to get help. But the moment he starts "acting up", I feel like hope is lost. I'm still working on the confidence to talk to him.

Thanks for weighing in. It's so tough and every little bit of insight helps!

Cat21, it's a roller coaster ride of hope and let down (or sometimes crash down) for sure. This morning, my wife and I were having a good talk about the lack of self definition and the feelings of loneliness and abandonment that ensues. I was thinking wow - she's right there ... .maybe. Then she mentioned how her friend told her she doesn't need any T and is fine. From hopeful to hopeless in a heartbeat. If I can still laugh, I must still be alive. Honestly, there is humor amidst the sadness. I think we need both to get through. Please let us know how it goes for you and I am wishing you all of the luck, skill and perseverance possible.