BPDFamily.com

Okay. I am back to the drawing board with SET. My uBPDw and I had a simple dinner/together date tonight to celebrate our 15 years of marriage. She offered the possibility of cooking some salmon we had, watching a movie and doing an art project. I agreed to a simpler is better approach, as we just got back from a 1.5 week vacation with kids. But over dinner, things began to unravel.

She recently completed a life coaching/retreat and asked me what I wanted to see for the next 6 months. I started with my own needs for growth, more friends and sources of communication, then moved on to our family with less conflict through more open communication. She expressed that she had meant what I wanted for us. I expressed that I wanted us to have less conflict and more easy communication. She wanted to use her coaching tools to get at the essence of what that meant for me. I am uneasy with her trying to facilitate because generally, if I am honest, it will spin her off into a host of projections. And I really don't fully embrace the methods that she learned and wants all communication to be formulated just so. I did SET, but I think I didn't get the empathy with her frustration and unhappiness very well. Of course, I do now. I did get to some level of empathy and stated the truth that we do better with this sort of work when we have a facilitator. Too late. We were off to the races. I caught myself JADEing several times and stopped. I tried to stay engaged, caring, connected. The blame and projection started amassing. At some point, my stomach started to hurt, so I did say that we probably weren't going to get the results we wanted and set a time limit to conclude. Of course, she said I had already abandoned her emotionally, etc. etc. and huffed upstairs.

Now we are both licking our wounds. No movie. No art project, Upset stomach and no fun. I really have to stop trying to follow what she is saying and just go straight to SET. It's just that she loves to be "authentic", "speak to the essence" and a whole lot of other stuff that would be wonderful if she actually could do any of it. And I get blamed for all of her frustration at not being able to be herself ... .because she is afraid of who she is. I hate this. I just wanted to watch a movie. :'(

I am trying to take away the positives. I did set a boundary, albeit late in the game. I did catch myself from defending/explaining. I did remember not to take it personally. But I still had no fun. Cripes! I have to get my values front and center for me, or I am never going to learn to take care of myself. I realize I need to rehearse this boundary stuff with my T, or I am going to get eaten alive by this RS.