BPDFamily.com

My 75 year-old BPD mother came home yesterday from spending the night at the casino!She blames me for her losing money & blames me for making her a bad mother... .Here is the scenario.Mum is living on a pension-I work f/t & help her out whenever & wherever I can.She said that because recently I've been refusing to take money when buying her groceries & so forth, I gave her the opportunity to go gambling with the money she had saved.I'm aware of the fact that BPD sufferers usually have some sort of an addiction to compensate for the way they feel.This could be alcoholism,substance abuse,promiscuity,impulsive spending.With Mum-it's gambling!

It has been happening for years & years.Dad & Mum had their own savings then when all of that was gone my Mum started to target my poor brother.He has an upper management position in IT & earns an attractive salary whereas I work in luxury goods but only at a sales level.She has been able to emotionally blackmail my brother so many times in the past in order to get money to sustain her gambling habits.It's really like watching a heroin addict-she loses all logic & reason if she doesn't get her drugs so to speak.I'm sure many of you out there would be familiar with this.

Dad passed away 7 years ago & of course my brother & I were left with a massive conundrum.Who will she live with?We couldn't let her live on her own knowing how BPD sufferers are petrified of abandonment.My brother is married to an Irish wife & had a young son back then.He came back to Australia to help me for a year or so after Dad died but we all knew he had to go back to Dublin to live & raise his own family.So we had this naive notion... .My brother would buy a unit big enough for Mum to move in & live with me & my husband.It was like watching a car accident in slow motion!Psychotic episode after episode so finally after 7 months we moved out.I had to dig deep in order to find the courage to do this to Mum-something I had many years ago in my early twenties when I went through my own major personal challenge.

Anyway,since we moved out my husband & I have been able to breathe again but the financial burden on my brother has become heavier.You see,we paid rent to my brother monthly which helped him with the mortgage of the unit.But since we left he had had to pay his own mortgage because we simply cannot afford to pay rent at both places simultaneously!Not only that, my brother's oldest son suffers from autism & so many finances have been spent on my poor nephew's condition.Despite all of this,Mum still asks for money from my brother.He actually used to give her $1000 monthly to support her gambling habits.This is nothing for an addicted gambler but my brother was already paying for her rent,his own mortgage & looking after 3 sons(the oldest with autism).My husband & I are both in retail so our salaries are quite average.However,I still try to contribute with groceries,bills,taxi rides & whatever else Mum needs... .

Now all Mum has is her pension but she still goes to the casino simply because she cannot help herself.So when she has a bit of savings because I've been paying for things,she goes to gamble & when she loses(10/10 times)she blames me because I gave her those savings.With BPD,the love you have for the sufferer is covered in multiple layers of confusion,fury,resentment,despair,frustration.BPD is a cruel disease because not only does it originate from a childhood of abuse & despair- it continues the cycle with the person the sufferer marries plus the children they have.BPD kills happiness in families & takes away their sense of hope.All involved are emotionally & psychologically crippled & stunted.This all sounds melodramatic but we all on this website know it to be true.Sad & tragic.This is my second post & it's starting to feel like when a depressed person cuts herself to release the pain.I post when I feel the need to release the pain.

Hi Georgette.  What a difficult situation to try to untangle.  Gambling is a tough one and so very damaging.

I wonder what would happen though if you simply told her you can no longer support her addiction and that she will have to pay all of her living expenses out of her pension?  Is it enough to cover what she needs to keep a roof over her head and all the other necessities?  If so, I think it might be best to just leave her to her own devices.  It sounds harsh and it will be difficult for you, but it does not seem like she will ever reach the point of getting help if she never really needs to get help. 

Keep posting here.  There are lots of people who can listen.  There is no reason to hurt all alone.   

Hi, Georgette,

Addictions can be very difficult to overcome, and are hard on the whole family. Have you ever considered looking for a support group for family members of people with gambling addictions? Perhaps Al-Anon could help. It sounds like you and your brother may both be enabling your mother to continue gambling. This may help also: SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0;all)

Wishing you peace,

PF