BPDFamily.com

My heart is breaking. I made her cut off contact with the guy, but too late. We went to the doc today, to get her checked for STIs and for some birth control she didn't have to remember to take every day. And the routine pregnancy test came back positive.

Hi Seawalker

First let me say that I am really very sorry you are having to deal with this. 16 is very tough age to begin with, now add BPD and it becomes far more difficult, and now add pregnancy... .I get it, and I am feeling your pain.

The best advice I can give you right now, is to just have the most open honest conversations with your dd as you can. remind her that she does have choices, and that millions of people the world over are childless and would love to adopt a healthy baby. I don't know your beliefs, but termination of pregnancy is an option as well as birthing and raising the child.

Whatever choice is made, it will be life changing for all involved, so be open, be honest and be loving and supportive.

I am advising you as a woman who was once a pregnant 16 year old. I needed my mothers love and support more than anything else at that time in my life, and sadly I did not have it. We did come together eventually, and we have a great relationship now, but when I was 16 and needed her, she was too bitter and upset to guide and support me.

Whatever the outcome, I am thinking of  you and your dd. I am praying for the best possible results for all involved. My heart is with you right now, stay strong.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and your DD. I live with the fear that my DD14 is going to end up pregnant as well. We had a scare a couple of years ago and I was literally on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out; praying to God she was not after waiting for the test results to process. Thankfully she wasn't.

She's continuing to run off with one of the thugs as the RTC she's currently at and I know for a fact they are having unprotected sex. My DD refuses to be put on anything.

Anyway, Tristesse had some very good suggestions. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there. 

Dear seawalker

I am sure you are in a bit of shock and it will take some time to fully take this all in. I know I would be worried and concerned for my dd. My dd asked me recently what I would do if she became pregnant and I honestly don't know what I would do or say. I really don't think I would be angry but certainly worried. I think my dd thinks I would take care of the baby for her and even though I love babies I would have to distance myself a little so I won't just take over.

I think this actually this might be a good thing for your dd. Having her focus on her life and how she can improve for the sake of her child. I have read sometihing on this board and sometimes a baby can really turn things around. I think tristesse had a lot of good advise... .be there for your dd and let her figure out how she is going to manage with a baby if she chooses to keep it. Try not to let your anxiety and disappointment show. Try not to be judgemental... .be supportive as you can and loving. I know this is all so scary but sometimes things happen for a reason and this baby might be the best thing that happens to your family. Sending a hug your way.

Thank you. I'm not angry with her, I am angry with myself for not protecting her. I knew she is impulsive and much too in love to be thinking straight. I took her to the doc because I saw her pill cases, she was missing pills. But I noticed too late. I am hoping she will choose abortion, and I apologize to anyone here who finds that offensive and wrong. My own beliefs about beginning and end of life choices are that human life = conscious brain.

I can't imagine what carrying a baby would mean for her. She is talking adoption, which I am also a proponent of, but would rather her not take the physical risks of pregnancy.

My fear is that the guy will pretend to step up enough for her to maintain the delusion that they are going to have a life together. She wanted to tell him, they were skyping (on the sly while she was doing math homework) and I sat next to her and told her I needed to be present any time they talked. He claims he's visiting family in Tahiti, but I'm skeptical. He's kind of a drama queen, and he suddenly left the country when i told her she couldn't see him? Maybe.

Bit he already has an ex wife and daughter in Hawaii, and we are on the mainland. I don't trust him to stick around and "help". I think he actually cares about her, but he also lies and manipulates, he has some symptoms of pre-abuser, jealousy, isolating her from her friends, alienating her from her family. In their Skype conversation she told him I was taking her to the doc and he said she shouldn't let me control her, that I'm bipolar and she should stand up to me, that in his family they don't put up with that.

This from a 29 year old living with his mommy instead of his kids.

I am just sick that I let this happen. I knew better, and she didn't, obviously.

The only thing I feel good about in my own actions is that when the big stuff happens, I am very calm and supportive. I just wish I been more protective.

I am afraid that he is going to give her just enough positive feedback that she'll want to keep the baby, and that is a choice I do not support. My first daughter was unplanned,  but I was 21 and my ex and I got married and started a life independent from our parents. And my ex is not a liar or a flake. My daughter is still struggling to get through one college class at a time. And I do not want to raise another child, I'm ready for an empty nest.

I'm scared that if she chooses adoption, she won't go through with it, especially if she has hope he will be in her life through the baby.

I want to tell him to back off, to back out.

If there is one thing I've learned Seawalker, it's that not matter what we do, they will find a way to get what they want. Try not to blame yourself.  We are here for you.  

Edited to add:

I wrote on another thread how that if my DD gets pg I will not allow her home. I can sit here and type of say that all I want. The truth is, I would be there for her as hard as I know it would be. She is against abortion and she is against adoption. I am not against neither personally... .I HAVE heard too that women with BPD sometimes turn their lives around after having a child. So who really knows - right? It could possibly turn out to be a good thing. But no matter what, you did nothing wrong but love your DD and try and protect her. Do not blame yourself.

I'm so sorry about this SeaWalker. Please don't blame yourself 16 year olds are almost autonomous and you cannot completely protect them only guide them.

Take a little step back to gather yourself and be very careful what you say-it will always be remembered.

What she chooses to do needs to be completely her choice-can she talk to someone independent about her options?

Please tell her that you will support her whatever she decides to do but ,although you would help, the baby would be her baby and mainly her responsibility.

I am sorry for the situation both you and your daughter find yourself in

Seawalker,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Morals aside, statistically giving birth  and giving the child up for adoption poses less of a health risk then abortion.  I would have an open conversation with your daughter and bring her to a local crisis pregnancy center to see what support and help that they can offer you and your daughter. The truth is that no matter what we do, our kids can make choices we do not agree with... .it is of no use to blame yourself. I have a found that the higher I build fences, the higher my daughter jumps. There really is only so much we can do. :'(

I have known so many women whose mental health suffered from the overwhelming guilt and loss of abortion. I would imagine that going through something like that would not help your daughters sense of self if she would prefer to give the child up for adoption. Just another take.

please be kind to yourself, and rest assured that you did the best you could with the resources and knowledge you had at the time.

love and hugs. I cannot imagine all the emotions and heartbreak that you were going through as a mother. please keep posting and this is a safe place no matter what the decisions are.

The health risks of abortion depend on whether the procedure is performed safely or unsafely. The World Health Organization defines unsafe abortions as those performed by unskilled individuals, with hazardous equipment, or in unsanitary facilities.[51] Legal abortions performed in the developed world are among the safest procedures in medicine.[2][52] In the US, the risk of maternal death from abortion is 0.6 per 100,000 procedures, making abortion about 14 times safer than childbirth (8.8 maternal deaths per 100,000 live births).[53][54] The risk of abortion-related mortality increases with gestational age, but remains lower than that of childbirth through at least 21 weeks' gestation.[

Morality aside.

Abortion is the right call.

Getting her away from the guy was the right call.

The toughest part will be damage control once her friends find out. Teenagers are mean and there isnt a way to downplay what she's done.

I believe everybody here has given the advice that they deem as  whats best.

I believe that you are an intelligent caring mother, who only wants what is best for her child.

Based on that alone, I think you will manage to get through this situation, no matter what choices are made.

I am saddened by the fact that she is so young and he is so much older than she is. She is almost like his prey. It bothers me that he has taken advantage of such a young girl, they are easily manipulated at that age and are easy to fall in love. He is either lacking in maturity and self esteem or is just the bottom of the barrel nasty scum.

I am sorry that your daughter has to make such a tough life altering decision at such a tender age, and I am sorry that you have to live the hell and drama of this situation.

Take care and know that I am still keeping you in my mind and heart as you deal with what you must.

How are you doing?  I imagine you are all just getting over the shock.  I was actually speaking about the mental effects of being pressured into an abortion if she is opposed.  Adoption is a good alternative... .it really depends on how your daughter feels about.  There is a middle path between aborting and parenting.  Does that make sense? I would not be willing to parent my dd's child at this point, I am just too worn out!  I am wishing you some peace and comfort (somehow, some way) in this upcoming week!

Im so sorry seawalker

I understand the panic you must be feeling. I have 2GC and my dd is still only 19yo!

She is leaning toward adoption. She says she knows she can't raise a child. She's at her dad's house, coming home tomorrow.

She skyped with the guy, told him what was going on. Then they had a Skype conversation after her dad went to bed that I read later. (I'd told her all conversations with him were on front of parents, we need to be involved). She told him she was leaning toward adoption but considering abortion. He kept saying they could raise the child, that he could keep it til she was old enough.

I wrote him a vaguely threatening note, that he needs to back off and stop pairing her when she was very clear neither of them are ready for a baby. I pointed out the penalties for possessing explicit photos of a minor and contributing to the delinquency, and that the military likely has a code of conduct as well. I told him I appreciate he's trying to man up and do the right thing but that the right thing is to respect her choices now.

If he wasn't such a lying jerk, I'd have more respect for his desire to keep the baby. But he has a daughter in another state, and he was two timing my daughter. He's a disaster.

First he wrote a long rambling list of excuses, all of his personal trauma. I told him I didn't care about his trauma, but that as long as he stopped trying to confuse her about the pregnancy and stayed away from her while she's a minor, we would not have a problem, and he said "ok".

DD has an appt at a private women's clinic Tuesday to find out how far along she is and talk about options. Up to 9 weeks they can medically induce a miscarriage.

I would feel better about adoption of I wasn't afraid she would end up keeping it, or wanting to keep the bond with the guy over the baby. I do not want to help raise a child!

Pairing = pressuring

This is a difficult dilemma, SeaWalker, I am so sorry you have to deal with this... .


These are all very valid concerns. Whatever happens one way or another, she will have to live with her decision for the rest of her life... .

SeaWalker

I know it is a bit late, but why is a 29 yo man, ex-husband, and father interested in a 16 yo child?  Was he two-timing her with another minor girl?  If he is in the military, he could face serious consequences and legally could ... .and probably should... .be charged with statutory rape.  For all you know, he may be a pedophile, which would explain the explicit photos, etc. and dd would be considered by many to be the victim of criminal behavior even without the pregnancy.

Regardless of what your dd decides to do, there will be emotional, physical, and financial consequences for her, and he should bear legal responsibility as the adult in this relationship. I hope he is not allowed to just "disappear", leaving you and your family to clean up his mess which will, in all likelihood, be a life-long process.

Do you really believe a word he says?  He knows what to say to save himself. 

I am sorry all of you are going through this, but he is responsible and he needs to "man-up" or be prosecuted.  Yes, your dd needs your love and support more than ever, but he does not deserve any consideration.  Responsible adults do not sleep with children.  

 You are right on target by threatening this loser. He has participated in child pornography, and that is reason enough to keep him away from your daughter. I would make it very clear to him that you are willing to prosecute and pursue the matter legally if he makes any attempt to continue in a relationship with your child, pressure her regarding her pregnancy, or if he attempts to gain custody. You have a lot of leverage and power here. I am so glad you are standing up for yourself and your daughter and not accept ing his excuses and nonsense. With an immature person like that, I think you just use the broken record technique. State your boundary and truth and repeat.

My heart just aches for you and your daughter. Thoughts and prayers going up for you.  I can sense your strenghth and resolve rising! Sending lots of Mama energy your way! I apologize if my post sometimes looks goofy, it is this silly voice to text!

I hope the clinic appointment goes well and that they give good advice.

Even though she is young she needs to be comfortable with any decision she makes over this or her mental health will suffer.

I hope you have managed to get her partner to top pressuring her-its the last thing she needs at present.

Such a stressful time for you, hope you're okay

Mamamia,

incredibly, in most states it is perfectly legal for a 29 year old to have sex with a 16 year old. However if you take or receive picture, it is a felony.  The law gives no consistent protection for minors who are taken advantage of by older, more mature parties.  As parents, we are on our own. Since law enforcement will not support parents, we have to either take matters into our own hands or allow access. I have found this out the hard way, believe me on that!

www.aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/08/sr/statelaws/summary.shtml#Sexual

There are special circumstances defined by states.  See the above link.  I do not know where SeaWalker and her dd live.

All in all, you are correct that our children are not protected enough by law.  A 16 yo is rarely mentally able to function as an adult.  This is especially true of pw BPD and other mental illnesses.

Thank you for the support... .As you can imagine I've spent a lot of time researching the applicable laws.

We are in a state where 16 is consent, with the only exceptions being your boss or your teacher.

But child porn is 18 by federal law, no matter what the age of consent is.

Military law says age of consent is whatever the state says, surprisingly it doesn't follow federal law from what I could find.

So the photos and the drinking are my levers.

And yes, its her choice, I wouldn't make her have an abortion, even if I could. But if she does have a baby, I don't want him anywhere near, confusing things, talking her into keeping it.

If she chooses adoption, I'll do everything I can, including recruiting intimidating friends, to keep him away, and get her involved with an adoption service that will hook her up with an awesome family who wants to adopt. We have a lot of family and friends who became families through adoption, so she has a very positive view of it.

Im hoping she is as early along as she thinks, it means abortion is easier emotionally and physically and that if she carries it, the odds of it being healthy are higher. I don't know how much she has been drinking, smoking, etc, so that is a factor in my desire for her not to carry it.

SeaWalker

Prayers to you and yours.  I really hope everything works out for the best.  Take care.

Head down to the police station, ask to meet with an officer. Tell him about the underage nudes, the guys age, and her mental illness. Bring proof of everything. Ask for help.

They won't NOT do something.

Hi Seawalker,

I have been thinking of you and your dd, and just wanted to let you know that I care. I know we have never met personally, and we know nothing of each other except what is on this board, but I do care about you and your dd.

Take care and know I will be praying for you.

So sorry you and your dd are in this situation, Seawalker. Both of you will be in my prayers, as well.

Thank you all... .

We went to the clinic today. They said she is very early, maybe 5 weeks, which is good news whatever she does.

They gave her information on both abortion and adoption, and we bought prenatal vitamins at the store to start taking.

We talked about who to tell, if anyone, and how until she knows what she's going to to to only talk to people who she is sure are pro choice and won't judge.

She is still leaning toward adoption, and she has been reading up on adoption groups. She found one who works with a number of same sex couples, and she really likes the idea of that.

If she is going to go through with this, I suppose getting very attached to the idea of choosing a good family reduces the risks of her changing her mind and keeping it? I told her I'm behind her 100% if she carries the baby, I'm just so scared for her.

She's not the raging style of BPD, she's the self destructive type. When she gets emotional and feels bad, she lies and makes dangerous choices and cuts and becomes suicidal.

Carrying a baby could help her to become more responsible, or the hormones and responsibility could crush her.

On day at a time right?

Oh Seawalker! 

I just saw your post today and read through the whole thread.  Yikes!  BPD Teenage pregnancy = my worst nightmare too.  :'(

It's good your DD recognizes that she is too young and immature to raise a child.  Teenage pregnancy presents the entire family with a life-changing permanent decision about how to handle it.  What scares me is that single decision rests on a young woman whose brain isn't fully developed, who is impulsive, and who is in no way able to care for herself, let alone a child.  She is so lucky to have you, such an intelligent, supportive mom to guide her! 

I remember one of your first posts on this board when you discovered your DD had been secretly seeing the BF29 on the side and that she was already "in love with him" when she finally told you.  Do you remember that?  I think you handled the situation in the best way you could have at the time.  I understand your guilt and regret that you didn't stop it when you first learned of their relationship, but I believe that by NOT forbidding her to see him, you have preserved your supportive relationship with your DD, which is extremely important now.  I just hate that YOU have to live with the consequences of HER behavior!  That's one of my biggest pet peeves with my DD.  But, that's why we're ALL here, isn't it?  Because we are ALL affected by the behavior of our BPD offspring.  And we ALL have to live with some of the consequences of their behavior.

I have never been successful at forbidding my DD17 to do anything.  She would simply run right back and do whatever I forbid with a vengeance.  Appealing to her intelligence works better, though that isn't perfect either.  Please let me know how that discussion goes.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Is your DD on meds like anti-depressants or anything for ADD?  If so, what will happen if she goes off her meds until she gives birth, should she choose that route?  Is it safe?  And what about afterward?  I personally had terrible post-partum depression that lasted over 2 years.  It took my body a long time for my hormones and neurotransmitters to get back into balance and my thyroid never quite came back.  I was 31 though.  At 16, she's likely to bounce back more quickly.  But, if she's on meds, I wonder about the safety of pulling her off her meds during the pregnancy.  The mother's health and well-being also needs to be considered, as I'm sure you're aware.

You are incredibly intelligent and wise, Seawalker, so I'm sure you're taking everything into consideration and weighing all the options.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

Thank you healingspirit! She went off her meds, I think the guy convinced her that she didn't need therapy or meds. 

When I read her Skype (with her knowledge) conversation with him, there was an interaction before she went to the doc. She told him that she was going in because I wanted her on different birth control because she wasn't consistent with her pills. He replied that he couldn't believe how controlling I was, that no one in his family would put up with that, that his aunt thought I was bipolar for how I was acting. And so on. He's kind of nuts.

I think he's been doing stuff like that all along, egging her on to rebel and separate her further from her family. Not hard to do with a BPD teen.

She finally started calling him on his lies and inconsistencies, and he thought she was me posing as her on Skype messenger, probably because she'd never questioned his reality before.

I just want the past month back, so I can get her on different birth control before its too late. And now everything is different... .she can't take it back.

But, that was a long ramble, I meant to say she's not on meds now and seems reasonably stable. I had post partum depression with my first as well, I've been worried for her about it as well. Maybe I should get her in with the psych while she's deciding, to talk about the depression issue.

Ugh!  Oh no!  She's already off her meds too?  My DD quit all her meds and informed me that she is fine.  She doesn't have BPD and she doesn't need therapy.  She's just lonely because she misses her BF. 


My DD's BF accused DD of this too!  I actually took it as a compliment that my DD really sounds like me when she's trying to be logical about an issue with him.  LOL!  But, still, it's scary that the BF has so little trust of we mothers who raised their precious GFs.


  Oh, if we could wave a magic wand, think of all the good we could do!  I really feel for you!

Yes Healingspirit, I had found a really good group skills class for her, and she got mad, said she didn't need a "program". Stopped taking her meds without telling me. His influence I believe. She says she's fine, even though she acknowledges she has issues with anxiety and depression (we've never talked about BPD in front of her, but her counselor was using dbt with her)

It does look like she tries harder to hold it together so that she doesn't get sent back to therapy, I just hate that she's decided therapy is bad. She used to say she got a lot out of it.

It did make me happy that she was sounding assertive enough to be mistaken for her mom. Even with the text shorthand that I don't ever use.  |iiii

I think we have the same daughter. Well, except for the pregnancy. I'm still half in denial sometimes. 

SeaWalker

I beg to differ... .this is not YOUR problem, it is HIS.  HE is responsible for dd's pregnancy.

Someone needs to confront him and let him know that if dd elects to keep the baby, he will be paying her medical bills and child support.  When possible, get a paternity test and be sure his name is on the birth certificate.  Once you can prove he is the father, you can prosecute.

If dd gives the child up or has an abortion, you may wish to consult an attorney about options.

If the bf refuses to help or walks away, being in the military will actually help you locate him.  If he does this, get a restraining order and prosecute for the other charges.

When you play with fire, you are going to get burned.  It is time for the bf to accept his share of the responsibility.  He is a grown man.

I don't wanna defend the guy, but my ex was your daughter's age when she fed me numerous fictional stories about her mom & dad that painted them out to be monsters. I had no choice but to go along with it; I didn't want to risk questioning her and leaving her family to deal with the inevitable outburst and self-harm afterwards.

It's entirely possible that on top of the challenges you're already facing, she's feeding him a totally different version of events that are taking place in your home - again a result of her disorder. Don't take it personally.

Double check the guidelines on the age of consent is 16 thing.  I live in Maine, and the age of consent is 16 here, except if the age difference is greater than 5 years.  I had a pregnant 16 yr old as well, but the father of the baby escaped prosecution because he was only 21 and just fell in that 5 year range. 

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

www.aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/08/sr/statelaws/summary.shtml#Sexual


Elbry, you are correct.  Above is the link to current prosecuting guidelines as they relate to the age of the father by states.

I also wonder if BPD will contribute to SeaWalker's dd being considered "vulnerable" by law,

even if she meets the age requirement for sexual consent.

lol  Mine has PCOS, which may make it harder for her to conceive someday. Even so, we will not let her go to the Midwest to see her BF unless she has Norplant.  She has an appt for that tomorrow. Yay. I don't want her following your DD's path. Yikes! I'm sure I'd be in denial too. The truth of such a life-changing event can only be processed in small segments. 

@ cup.car, MammaMia & Elbry,

You are presenting great information.  With everything there is to consider about this issue, it's making my head spin.  And it's not even my DD!  But it easily COULD be any of our DD's.

Same thing up here in Canuckistan.

The photos are illegal - not saying I didn't do that myself at that age (let's be real, all teens have smartphones and it happens), but the fact that he's 29 and his background is shady could sway things in your favor.

I'd say meet an officer after-hours (you can call and arrange an appointment with a night-shift officer at the station) and present everything like this:

>My daughter is 16 and involved with a 29 year old man with a military background (give his exact info)

>He does not have a job, lives in his mom's basement, and has a child with another woman (give info)

>He has possession of nude photos of my daughter, I am unsure when they were taken

>My daughter was diagnosed with BPD, a serious mental illness that greatly affects her decision making

>I'm afraid he's going to spread the photos of my daughter to damage her reputation

>I'm afraid he's used my daughter's mental illness to manipulate her for his own personal pleasure

>I'm unsure how to protect my daughter from this man, as her disorder causes her to swap between wanting to see him, and wanting to get away from him

Print out everything incriminating from Facebook/Skype (this won't be easy if you're not comfortable with computers). The more you have, the quicker the police will do something.

In my state, the age of consent is 16, age difference does not matter.

I've told them both they don't want to see each other because they don't want him to go to jail (photos and alcohol plus whatever the military does.)  I am not going to pursue charges unless he tries coming around again, or she tries to see him.

If he's worried about the police, he'll delete his photos and stay away. If he comes around, then I will get the law enforcement involved.

I don't care about proving paternity as long as she isn't trying to keep the baby. That's a bridge we can cross later, if needed but I'm still hoping not. She seems pretty attached to the idea of adoption.

Saving the most recent Skype convo is a good idea, it shows his intent. If she hasn't deleted it I can grab some screen shots or something. I also have photos of them with the alcohol. The explicit photos are trickier, since they are just her, I deleted them off her phone etc. I didn't want them getting out anywhere.  It will depend what the phone records and/or his phone or computer show. If he has deleted them, and computer forensics can't find them, at least she is protected from anyone else seeing them.

Oh no oh no oh no... .

She's flipped, everything seemed fine, I left the house with family, she was here with a girlfriend, I came home, and now she's now "keeping the baby" and "has to get out of here".

She's going to go raise the baby with the guy.

I'm going to the police station with all my info in the morning to see what they can do about the guy.

My daughter "will never forgive me" she says.

First she said she was talking to him today on a texting app, then she wasn't, she was talking to his cousin, who was trying to find him (drama drama drama). The cousin is married to her "man" who she met when they were 15 and 27... .and she and her mother are still not speaking according to her. So the family is... .like that.

My daughter is moving out in the morning, no plan, she doesn't know where, but she can't live in this toxic environment.

I ask her what's in the best interest of the child, and she can't get past "I want the baby".

Oh no, Seawalker.

This is the catch 22-if you try to tell her what to do she will blame you for ever for the consequences of the decision whatever it is-yet she is irrational and just reacts on her emotions rather than thinks things through.

I agree-go to the police and see what they can do-you need outside authorities involved.

The law seems more flexible in the US.

Here in the UK it is just a straight 16 is the age of consent and there is no "age difference" component. Also I don't think the other things are an offence here unless its definitely without consent.

I am so sorry about your situation, I really am. I hope the police or child protection can help you.

Oh Noo!

I understand your panic! AHHHH!

I feel the same way every time my DD announces she is moving in with her BF in the Midwest.  They just broke up last Friday, and on Monday, they were "back together" as if nothing happened.  I agree, go to the police to see what your options are.

But, I also recommend BREATHE!  And try to stay calm... .she may change her mind again.  My DD does not like to listen to logic from me, but I have been successful once in a while from simply showing her how much things cost.  Maybe you could try a similar tactic.  Appeal to her adult logic.  Take her "window shopping" for baby products, furniture, and accessories.  Do you think if she sees how much 1 package of diapers costs, and that she will be supporting this baby on her own, would it get through to her?

WOW!  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!

HS 

Oh Seawalker,

I'm so sorry that the tides have changed and things have gone downhill.

I am hoping that your trip the police station helped at least a little.

Hang in there and know that I am thinking of you still.

What a stressful night... .

How are things going today, SeaWalker? Were the police helpful?

I'd try to keep it as two separate issues:

1. DD's decision about the baby is one thing - that can wait (even though - things being what they are, some input from the authorities would be nice - knowing your own options and rights etc.)

2. DD "moving out" might be out of the question if you want her to stay home - she is still a minor (pregnant or not... .)

I don't know about the police yet, I have an inquiry in by no response yet. She has bags packed and is waiting for him to pick her up, she is so sure they are going to be a family, she's been wanting to move in with him and I'm pretty sure this pregnancy was only partially an accident.

I've given up. The door is always open... .But... .

Does she have any friends that would keep her in line?

Teenage girls tend to frown upon hooking up with men twice their age who live with their mom. What do her friends think?

Seawalker im so sorry things have taken a turn for the worse... .

Your dd will probably change her mind many, many times during this pregnancy if she goes through with it as my dd did. it is early days and there is still room for her to change her mind again, so all is not lost but i do understand your immediate panic

I think pessim-optimist has given you very good advice to try to keep the 2 issues separate.TRY to take the emotion out of it.Is there someone you can talk to to relieve some stress... .a dh, a T, or a good friend perhaps?

From my experience If you make it all about dd's bf age, or how no good he is, she is sure to run to him.  All your dd can probably see is that you are trying to tell her what to do and to control her.b/fs  age will not change or his circumstances overnight and she knew about it when she got with him. Remind her that you want the best for her, and the baby if she decides to keep it.A softer approacher is probably what is needed right now.

Pregnancy hormones made my dds depression worse during her  pregnancies especially with her first... .so much so i was really worried about her mental health during this time.

so I think it may be better to keep communication open by keeping the focus on how realistically they will be able to raise a child... .where will they live and what will they do for money.

But even then be prepared... .even with all this information put infront she probably still wont want to see it.

SeaWalker

I am sorry to hear things have deteriorated. Of course, you are frustrated and angry.  Any parent would be.

If dd moves in with the bf (in his mother's basement), I cannot help but wonder how his family is reacting.  Do they have the financial means to support everyone?  This situation may be short-lived

when reality sets in.

Don't give up yet.

Prayers for you and yours.

I let her go, and left her with a typed list of things to work out if she is keeping the baby, like finding an OB and so on. All the nuts and bolts I could think of. I told her she always has a roof over her head here, and that her college fund is always available to her.

I told her the doors are always open here.

She is so determined, everything I do makes it worse.

She wanted to run away with him a month or so ago... .I'm pretty sure she got pregnant at least subconsciously on purpose so that they'd get started on their life together.

My h is supportive, her father (my ex h) is frantic. Her older sister thinks she's a selfish idiot.

I should say, my h is supportive of me, and whatever life changes this brings our family, and helping her however we can. Not that he thinks she's doing the right thing.

Oh SeaWalker!     

I am so sad for you!  I think as hard as it is, I would have done exactly the same thing in your shoes.  Your DD set up a no-win situation (the old double-bind), so I think the only sensible thing you could have done was to step back and let her go.  Anything you do at this point would backfire against you.

Of all the ways you could have handled this, you chose a response that preserves the open communication and support, should your DD change her mind.  I think ya' did good! But I feel the pain and disappointment you must be experiencing! 

I just hope and pray that she doesn't come begging for her college money in a month or two to help with all the expenses her BF just took on.  If it were my DD, I would tell her that money is ONLY for her college education, and it will not be given for any other purpose.

I'm glad your DH is supportive of you.  God knows, you need all the support you can get!  Maybe your DD's father will be the "bad guy" and go report the BF to the police, or maybe he will try to crack down on your DD, which will likely drive her right back to you. 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! 

Hang in there and go have your favorite cocktail!

If it means anything SewalkerI think you did the right thing.

Ive been where you are and sometimes letting them go and allowing them to learn from consequences is the best solution in a situation like this.

It is still early days... .and  i can bet that give it time and your dd will see that not the grass is not greener over there living with b/f and his mom as she thought.

Im just wondering... .are there conditions around your dd having access to the college fund? If your dd is anything like mine she will have already have bragged about it it will become an issue as she will feel entitled to have it to spend... .

like  NOW!

Fortunately the college money is in the form of prepaid tuition and her grandpa owns the account. It can only be used for direct educational expenses, per IRS rules and regs. Or her grandpa can take it back out for the cash value minus fees and tax penalties, and the money is his.

She can't access it directly either, she has to ask me for it and I submit the reimbursement request.

Big Hug to you seawalker. Im not going to say I would have done exactly the same thing because It have no idea if I would have, that is hypothetical. I will say that I am sure you made the choice that was best for you and your family, and I can do nothing but support that.

Remember that you have friends here, and to take some time just for yourself. You are important too.

Thinking of you Seawalker.

I don't know what else you could have done and you have left the door open for her and kept your relationship.

It will be difficult for her to turn the blame onto you.

My daughter was older when she had her first child but if it is any comfort to you she made a lot of improvement when she had the baby to focus on.

If the law there is the same as here you could not have stopped her anyway if she was determined to go.

I have to be honest and disagree with the rest of the board on this one.  You are still her legal guardian, and you had boundaries set in place.  It will be next to impossible for you to set boundaries with her if you cave when she badgers and threatens you, or if she uses emotional manipulation.  I would hold my ground.  You are the adult, and she is 16, and vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.  It is legally irrelevant that she is pregnant. I would stand by the boundaries I have set, as we cannot live being held hostage by our BPD teen's whims.  I would not let my teen move in with a thirty year old under any circumstances: love, threats, preganancy, or the illusion that they will learn from their mistakes.  They don't learn from their mistakes at this age; they simply can't see around the corner and need guidance and limits.  Are there any other options?

I'm open to suggestions. I cannot make her stay in my house. Every boundary I've set over the past 3 years she has snuck around. She will work for what she wants, so she'll mow the lawn to be able to go on a date. But if the activity is against the rules, she finds a way past it.

She needs internet for her online class, so I take away the phone and she installs a text app on the computer while she's doing homework.

The rules have never been unclear or arbitrary. And she still has a need to sneak and do the wrong thing.

No unsupervised time with boys? She has sex with her girlfriends. Or lies about where she is.

Use two forms of birth control if you are going to have sex? She "forgets" to take the pill and doesn't use a condom.

Don't lie or cheat? She has a threesome with a a girl and a guy who has a pregnant fiance, before she breaks up with her own boyfriend.

If you get pregnant, abortion or adoption. She's keeping the baby.

If I say it, she does the opposite. Every damn time. So far she is still, marginally, in school.

Her dad is talking to the police, we will see if there are legal consequences.

But if not, how do I keep her here? Here she has a car, a nice house, a family who isn't all that bad, two dogs. She left all that behind, I did let her take her phone for safety and her laptop for school. Other than that, a couple of suitcases. She would have left without those too though. She really doesn't care about anything but this guy, and their life together.

I can't physically restrain her.

If there are choices in not seeing, I  am all ears. Ok, eyes.

Oh SW, my heart just aches for you. No matter what you do, there is going to be turmoil. You may have to just step back and be a spectator, as hard as that is. I really don't know what I would do in your position.

I would have a very hard time not going after that guys who took advantage of your dd and stopping the call phone payment. If she want to live like an adult, then she will have to take the responsibility that come with that.

Prayers for you during this painful time.

*mod*

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit. It is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to begin a new thread to continue... .Thanks for your cooperation.