BPDFamily.com

I probably had the best therapy session of my life yesterday. The few other times I had gone for therapy in last 3 yrs, my therapists were 5th grad students, and I felt they didn't really understand BPD.

My current T is an elderly lady, and yesterday I started telling my story. In 45 mins I could only tell 6 months of stories, with years still to go. But for the first time I felt that someone believed me. People around me refused to believe that a human being can do stuff like she did repeatedly. She is high functioning, a dentist, appears all charming on facebook and if you meet her for a few mins, and no one could believe my horror stories over the past many years. This lady finally did. She pointed out stuff even I missed, how something was manipulative or disrespectful. It was a validation I had never received. She knew because she said she has met children of borderline mothers and has heard their life long horror stories. I finally felt someone knew these years of horror really did happen. And after two weeks of not being able to cry and getting dizzy and chest pains, I could finally cry when she agreed that the things that my ex did to me is within the capabilities of a borderline. I have loved this girl since I was 15 years old. I have spent 14 years dreaming about her and defending her abusive behavior because of the abuse she has suffered all her life in her home, but for the first time I felt that it is a good thing she is not in my life. Still coming to terms with it, but maybe I am accepting that I won't be with my first love. I don't know if I will be with anyone else, but it is okay not to be with her. I do not deserve what she does to me.

Wow elessar,

I can relate to having a good P.  I lucked out in many respects as mine has been co-parenting with a BPD S/O for the past 23 years!

He has pointed out things I wasn't aware of either.  I'm now told I have more BPD knowledge than him however he keeps raising different points constantly.  Highlighting behaviours to me. 

It is so liberating talking here and having others 'get' what you have been through.  I'm glad that you have found a good person to talk to, keep going and keep talking!

Isn't it infuriating when they are 'high functioning'. My ex went to 2 therapists and told them that he felt he might have BPD both times he came back telling me they rolled their eyes as if they didn't believe him. He only saw them for 9 sessions max so there was no way the BPD behaviour would show in that time.

I think anyone involved with someone with BPD needs to see a therapist who has extensive knowledge of the condition. It is virtually impossible to explain to anyone what it is like to be in that relationship without it sounding either over exaggerated or completely skewed. Thankfully my therapist does know about BPD and she was the one who suggested it could be what I was living with.

I'm so pleased you have found someone you can trust to tell your story. Take your time and process it well with you therapist. You will then find your self again.

Hang on to that T elessar.

Thanks Aussie and Mutt!

And Pavilion... .the high functioning part drives me nuts. When my ex came back to me 4 years back, for a year and a half she told me she needs help, she is going crazy, she is suicidal, please take her to a therapist. the white knight in me was ready for it. but she would always cancel at the last moment. after i had finally come across BPD and done my research in early 2012, i told her about it. she took it positively, read about it, took the self-diagnosis quizzes. in june of 2012 she met a therapist believing she has BPD and needs treatment, and after the first session told me that the therapist told her "there is nothing wrong with you. you are just stressed/depressed because of the abuse you face at home and childhood sexual abuse". 3 weeks later I went to that T with my ex. as soon as I sat down, that lady told me "so lets talk about your gambling problems". what the heck? i used to go to Atlantic City couple of times a year for two years, play for a few bucks... .have won in the hundreds... .my Ex had portrayed a picture of a gambler. after the one hour session that lady realized what kind of stories my Ex had woven. her words to my ex were "looks like the  issue is your parents". that was truth. that was the last therapy session. since then my Ex blamed me for calling her a PD person when there is nothing wrong with her. and since that session she just became a horrible human being. she was a raging BPD/NPD child before that, but i felt sorry for her. but since that summer, she has turned into a narcissist, BPD, histrionic, utterly selfish and inconsiderate person.

having a good therapist and an inexperienced therapist can turn a life upside-down... .

elessar,

I always look forward to your posts!  If not for this recent one, I would have assumed you have been through years of excellent therapy with an ideal therapist who fully understands the disorder.  haha.  Good for you!  This part of our journey has been such an insane train wreck, I fully believe we ALL need as much validation as possible.  It truly feels like trying to convince the land of Oz that there really IS someone behind a curtain, we're not just making it up.  One of the toughest things for me is how many munchkins in my land have and will NEVER have any true inkling of who he is behind the curtain (aka the walls of our home, or when trying to love him).  Mine isn't as high functioning as yours, but has been able to establish an online persona to "appear" much more high functioning than he is…thus amassing a fan base to feed the insecure narcissist on a 24-hour basis.  Crazy!

Anyway, my 6th grade students are my secret therapy as well and I will see them soon.  I'm hoping I get through the days a little easier.  I truly hope you find it in yourself to love again and give of yourself fully because we all deserve it.  I have to force myself to believe that instead of remaining jaded forever, that I can look back at this time in my life and know that it was this knowledge and experience that made me stronger and more capable of appreciating authentic love.  That is my wish for all of us here.

Congratulations friend, that must feel pretty good :)

Mine was also my first and (so far) only love. It doesn't make it easier hehe. But glad you are able to accept that you will not be together! Such an inspiration to myself to see when others on this board is able to accept and deal with it :)  Wishing you the best.

Agreed! I recently came across one who knew all about high-functioning BPD and helped me tremendously.

So, SO much weight lifted off me. Incredible. I know how you feel!

Keep going to see this T! They're rare, but God knows we need more like them!

Thanks all!

I know this isn't a quick process. It might take years. I will go down, come back up, miss her and defend her, hate her and feel pity for her. It will be a process. But I am trying to understand my role in allowing it. Looking back to school days, I was quiet shy. She wasn't the most hot girl because she used to be fully covered up like a Muslim girl. I respected her intelligence, kindness, and sincerity. Same thing in college. I always called her a "just" person, who is never unfair. And she really wasn't. But whatever happened during the 4 years she was gone for dental school... .she came back a different human being. I am trying to understand how I allowed that abuse to continue for another 4 years. Did I love the pain, or was I pining for the girl I knew in high school and college? In these 4 years she committed to me twice... .for a period of 75 hours. Yet why do I feel guilty. She has gone out on dates, she is supposedly getting married. Yet I feel guilty that I am abandoning her if I even think about moving on. Those are the things to work on.

And if the NPD part of BPD wasn't bad enough, facebook is their supply. I am starting to question the good qualities of social media. Haha. We haven't been FB friends for over 1.5 years, but man when we were, it was her uploading selfies or photos of her face nearly every day. There is an unending supply of adoration which allows her to escape from her inner turmoil.

I feel your pain.  Mine uses FB exactly the same…except he uses animals (due to the nature of his work) as part of his front and that makes me extremely sad.  The adoring, blinded fans.  I have deactivated from FB until I feel a whole lot stronger and less concerned with what nonsense he's posted.